Christmas Gift Selection # 10 For 2017 – Tame Photographer

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Dwight Lutsey Photographer At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “go get ’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining and as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Favorite Son

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There is no disputing that a mother loves all her children equally. She will feed them, watch over them, defend them to her death. But occasionally there appears a young one that is first among equals. One that creates a special bond that is just outside the perimeter of her all encompassing love for each of the young she has.

This one fits that bill. There are eight siblings in this family of coyotes. The others are back at the den which is about 30′ away, where mom told them to stay while she takes a much needed nap. Coyote pups tend to mind their mothers and although they may test the limits some, they usually do what they’re told. But then there is this one. He has been the one from the very beginning that she frets over the most. He doesn’t do what he’s told. He goes off without the slightest regard for safety or his well being, he takes on the world as if it is his by some right no one else was aware of.

She disciplines him but it doesn’t seem to take. Where the other pups are reluctant to approach mom when she says it’s quiet time. “Leave me alone.” This pup will approach her fearlessly and say “Getup! Play with me. Give me something to eat. I found a dead ground squirrel, come see. Hey, come on!” She may snap and growl and even nip him but he is unfazed, and she loves him for it.

It’s hard to define what this special bond is. But it’s there. It will be there for as long as they’re together. And maybe longer if coyotes have memories. She will never admit it but this is her favorite son.

 

Elk Don’t Just Happen

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Many times while walking through Rocky Mountain National Park I have heard children ask “Mommy, where do elk come from?” and mommy would reply “Uhmmmm, Just a minute honey.” while she thought up a good explanation. But mommies, while good-intentioned, often have their facts mixed up. Especially city mommies. The ones that think that milk comes from the 7-11. So they reach out there and pull something out of their Mother’s Book of Tricks handbook they all carry with them everywhere.

She will often hesitate to answer for a while thinking that junior or junioress will get sidetracked or because of their short little attention spans will simply forget they asked the question and mommy is off the hook. However there is always that one little precocious child that will say “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!” at the top of their shrill little voices until mom has to choose between infanticide and answering and will come up with a plausible, if off the wall answer.

In this case her response was “well honey, elk just don’t happen you know…” as she launched into her tale of where elk come from. She began by telling about how elk were a natural occurrence in the park but occasionally due to accidents, murder, kidnapping, being lured away for better jobs at higher pay by some of the bigger parks, yes, we’re looking at you Yellowstone, or simply falling over dead from a heart attack, they had to be replenished.

This is done by a  process called “New Elk Appearing Out of Thin Air Kind of Magically” and is a secret way the park Rangers have of ordering up new elk to replace the ones that go away. “Remember how Flatus, your goldfish went away while HelloKitty was playing with him? Well it’s kind of like that.” But the Rangers have a way cooler process they use. They have planted special trees throughout the park so that when they need new elk they water the tree with some special water, and soon big pods form on the trees and when they’re ready, the pods fall on the ground and pop open, and guess what comes out? That’s right new elk! As you can see over there by that big green tree they have just hatched six new elk.

I listened in awe as this woman, whom we shall call Mommy, completely pulled this story out of her you know what and told it to the munchkin with a completely straight face. She was incredible and I was completely smitten with her intellect. When I had the chance I told her how I admired her ingenuity she looked at me and said “What, it doesn’t happen that way?” and walked away.

Now I’m not sure if she was kidding or telling the truth so I asked the Ranger about it and he said “Oh Yeah, that’s how we do it. ” then went off to ticket someone who was trying to feed one of the elk a pop tart. I’ve thought about this quite a bit and it all seems a little glib to me so I’m asking any of you Moms out there for your thoughts on this. Was she telling the truth or was this an elaborate mommy thing done to avoid having “the Talk”. Please send any responses to The Director, at The Institute as soon as you can. Thanks