The Institute

The Institute -A Worldwide Phenomenon

Many of our long-term readers have grown up as it were, with The Institute. They know the genesis of our history. They have seen us grow from a small imaginary entity to one of the largest imaginary entities in the country. It’s you, the tardy ones, or the as we like to call you, late-comers, that want the history of The Institute presented in an unabridged, unadulterated manner, so that you can clearly see why The Institute is the big cheese in the institute racket. From now on after reading this history you will know exactly what part The Institute plays in the scientific world and why the establishment hates us for what we are. And also why The Institute appears in so many of the posts on this blog. So here it is, the full story. The Institute – A World-wide Phenomenon.

The Institute is a world renown center for developing scientific knowledge of all types. It is both a physical brick and mortar center as well as an online presence in the academic world. There is no official or non-official study currently ongoing in the world today that we are not aware of and do not play a significant part in. Unless it’s one you’ve heard of that we haven’t then of course all bets are off.

Due to our extraordinary make-up of top-notch scientific investigators, other major scientific organizations both civilian and military, are constantly sending us cards and letters, even calling us directly on our bank of official Bakelite, desktop, rotary dial phones, which are all, even the extensions, connected to a secure landline overseen by Ma Bell. They all ask for our opinions or input on the various top-secret projects they have underway. Our mailbox down at the main gate is stuffed to the gills with postcards from the likes of the NSA and other super-secret organizations regarding items such as their newest more than super secret, like super, super extra secret encryption software for us to evaluate. We often have to put on extra staff just to put all the postcards in the proper order so we can begin to apply our special patented Code Busting Algorithms (CBA) to solving the problems they present us. Many of these proprietary algorithms we developed and which we copied out of the Hacking for Dummies paperback purchased legally from Barnes and Noble and reworked on our own IBM 8086 computers with internal read/write disk drives, have been used to solve a whole lot of the greatest threats to our way of life that you’ve never even heard of. That’s how secret they were.

We were one of the first civilian organizations to utilize some of the newest electronic devices in scientific endeavors. We supply each of our many researchers with the newest Palm Pilots and those cool four pound wireless bag phones with the simulated real leather look, that many have mistaken for leather-covered toasters. These huge but miniaturized phones are used to keep in touch with home base and to allow our researchers to be more efficient as they globe trot in pursuit of lots of scientific stuff. We have secret writing pens that utilize specially formulated ink that disappears after it is written, so we can convey our confidential information to The Institute and keep it out of our competitors prying eyes, but can be seen again by holding the confidential document up to a strong light, and other more amazing tools used in some of our more sensitive government work.

Our campus, known locally simply as The Institute, is located high in the mountains of Colorado on many acres of nearly virgin land. On the surface it looks like any other pristine mountain property, where elk and bears and the occasional scurvy mountain lion roams but it has many well-kept secrets. Buried here and there in secret underground holes are incredibly developed sites where lots of really secret, if I told you I’d have to kill you, things take place, such as our global weather modification program where we can make it snow in Canada if we want to, or rain in Seattle especially if they make us mad, which for some reason they do, a lot. And our incredibly top-secret Ham radio setup where trained operators talk to the world in nearly unbreakable Morse code.

It is this kind of attention to detail in the scientific, medical, dental, IT technology, electronic, fast food, reality TV, home health care, international diplomacy, auto detailing, welding, large animal husbandry, and divorce counseling that keeps us in the forefront of the scientific community. A feat of which we are justifiably proud.

We also have made public our Community Outreach portion of The Institutes Public Relations department so that you can keep abreast of the latest activities and news regarding our ongoing programs. This is our blog, sort of like a newspaper but with pixels and other interesting stuff in it, called It is available from anywhere on the globe just by typing in the address and pressing Enter, then holding your breath. I guess it isn’t necessary to hold your breath to see if it opens, it’s just that we always do.

This has been the barest overview possible of The Institute but we know that you have more questions so we have developed a Question and Answer format to further answer them. If the preceding amount of information about the Institute has satisfied your curiosity about us you are free to stop reading and go about your daily activities, but if you are a glutton for punishment, and I think you are, feel free to read on until your brain can’t stand it any more and you have to go and watch television. No one will think the worst of you.

Here are just a few of the many questions we know you have and some we’d like to know the answers to ourselves.

What is it, this Institute thing?

We’ve already answered that, please review the information above.

When and how did it start. Does it have a history.

Yeah, sure.

It all started from a small feeble hut, more of a lean-to actually, on a rocky outcropping deep in the wilds of Colorado. Decades ago, around January 2013, a great social upheaval took place and there was clearly a void in the Matrix that needed to be filled. It was then our Director took it upon himself to provide the nation and ultimately the world with the kind of information it had never seen before. Noticing the average citizens’ lust for facts about the world at large he went forth in an effort to satisfy as many of you as he could. It was a valiant effort but fell far short of satisfying all of you. Some of you were satisfied pretty good and for some of you he even went back to try and satisfy you again, just because you were so needy, for truth and facts about stuff and all. He then saw the need to expand the scope of this new operation and brought on staff and began enlarging the main Headquarters building as quickly as possible. The Institute went through several name changes over the years, some came about due to different philosophies emerging, others due to finding them unwieldy and frankly dumb. Soon the organization became known as it is now, simply, The Institute.

After years of scrimping and saving, using rocks for hammers and pine needles for nails, the complex that would become the world famous entity known as The Institute was born. It slowly grew out of its humble beginnings to become an organization that has its tentacles in every scientific endeavor on the planet. A large mostly fictional conglomerate of like minded academics and high school dropouts all driven to do something worthwhile, even if they didn’t know what that was at the time. Doing something, anything, even if it was wrong, was better than picking up cans along the highway for beer money. It was then that the incredible quest for knowledge came to fruition and The Institute was born.


What does it do.

Simply put, it collects knowledge. That’s it, end of story. It does this by reading, watching daytime TV, looking at old magazines, asking people stuff, sending out squads of highly trained researchers to check different stuff out, come to conclusions, write reports, all that scientific crap you have to do if you want to be taken seriously. It puts together scathing reports and publishes them on the blog. It takes pictures so it can prove it’s not just making stuff up and pocketing the grant money and spending it on massage parlors and pizza. It acquires knowledge and it saves it on big hard drives in the Data department under the heading ‘knowledge collected’ and it does really hard thinking, the kind that makes your brain hurt, so it can analyze it and send it back out to you, the lay people of America so you can understand it.


Is it legal

Well, yeah, sure, mostly, I mean yes it’s legal. We had a lawyer here once and he said “yeah it’s legal enough. You haven’t done anything really bad, lied a little bit maybe, gave that waitress in Gallup a false name, but she was of age and she’s the one who rented the .. yeah I’d say you’re cool” So yes we’re legal.


Who supports it

The Institute is a strictly a non-profit organization. Not always by choice. We apply for tax-free grants from various government departments to continue our necessary research. We never get any but we apply like crazy people. And we rely on the kindness of strangers to help us continue our work. If it wasn’t for the multitude of freewill love offerings and the pickled salmon and canned goods our good readers have sent in we’re not sure we’d have made it. We are always on the lookout for well-heeled donors who have little interest in ever seeing their investments again. If you’re one of the lucky few who have more money than sense, immediately contact The Director at The Institute. Keep in mind that we do not accept collect calls.


What are its primary goals

Our prime directive is to boldly go where no Institute has gone before. Knowledge, is the final frontier. This is the primary goal of The Institute. Its unending mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new knowledge and other new stuff, and as always to boldly go where no man has gone before. We put that in there twice because it just sounds so damn cool.

Other goals are to someday turn a profit, to get that recipe I’ve been looking for, for the best Shrimp Diavalo in a non-Italian speaking country, to open a half-way house for wayward cheerleaders, to meet Jason Statham just because he’s so damn cool too, and to have Steve McCurry call me up and say “Hey! That was a helluva picture”. And, this is a bucket list item, to seriously date Christina Hendricks. That’s a big one. I know we had more goals than that but I lost the Post-it note they were written on so we’ll just settle for these. But there’s more and they’re pretty lofty ones too.


Who runs it

Me! I do! The Director. With an iron fist too, but I am a benevolent dictator with nothing but love and concern in my heart for all my many hapless employees. Which are mostly contract laborers by the way so we don’t have to provide benefits like insurance, day care, food, safety equipment or hazardous duty pay. That stuff costs like crazy.


Who is this shadowy figure called The Director, and does he have a moustache

He was born like an Italian in a small hospital on the outskirts of Borgholm, Sweden. During the month of Ramadan a year later he and several other innocents were stolen by Germans from the 9th floor nursery and swept off into the darkness of a raging khamsin, or dust storm, never to see his natural parents again, not that he had ever, being little and having his eyes closed most of the time. It was an auspicious beginning to a rather common, pedestrian, and mundane life.

There ensued a number of unimportant periods where he was moved here and there, breastfed well into his early 20’s by dozens of women with no names, some of which he keeps up with to this day, to wind up finally on a desolate but windswept trailer park in the barren reaches of northern Wisconsin. There he remained for what seemed like days before he was finally accepted into his final home, which was of course, a Hogan built by the Navajo people on their large reservation in northern Arizona. Accepted fully as an outsider, he was adopted into the People With A Stick clan, born for the Smite The Newcomers clan, son of Large Elbows, his father, and Sees Nothing Bad, his mother, he remained there until attaining adulthood.

Years passed while he filled his time with activities such as being a sailor for a large global superpower, traveling the seven seas and trying desperately without success to not have adventures. It was during this turbulent and dangerous time, what with wars going on in the far East and trouble brewing in the Middle East, and chaos ranging throughout his homeland mostly in the East, that he began to grow a moustache.

Yes these were hard and difficult times. There was a feeling of discontent all over America, with Father’s either forcing their sons to join the military because they were sick of having them around the house, to Father’s forcing their sons to go to Canada because they were sick of having them around the house. These huge earth-shattering events made it more imperative than ever to grow a moustache. There was a need for moustaches unlike any other time in our history, a need that had been unfulfilled until this point in time. Now one had to grow a moustache for America and everything it stood for.

Later after serving his country and being honorably discharged in a matter of fact sort of way, he was able to enter into the business world and become a successful retail manager of a large conglomerate that admired his business acumen, but did not like his moustache. This eventually led to his leaving corporate life to become a full-time entrepreneur where he was his own man, a man free to have as many moustaches as he wanted. And he did. And he was proud.

Now a veteran, a parent, a business owner, and a man who had a moustache, he felt compelled to give back to his country for everything it had provided him. Casting about he realized that what was missing in America and in most other civilized countries, except Turkey, where they have incredible moustaches, was a proper Institute. Not a run of the mill Institute that was only in it for the free money that could be gotten by filing grants with the U.S. Government, but an Institute that would provide a real service to the scientific community at large and get some of that grant money too while he was at it. But the Nation came first. Which was a good choice on his part because he got precious little free money from that very Government he had served so nobly.

Now a veteran of another kind, a veteran of the Institute wars, where the dog eat dog daily life of cutthroat, backbiting, grant writing, day-to-day survival just to stay alive took place, he has gained wisdom and the heartfelt gratitude of tens of people who recognize his selflessness and lack of generosity. His moustache is still robust but with the graying of the muzzle that comes from years of unrelenting stress, he intends to stand at the helm of The Institute until he dies at his post or is assassinated whichever comes first.

He is The Director. He prefers to stay out of the limelight and let The Institute stand on its own for better or worse, and yes, he does have a moustache.


What does The Institute look like

Kind of like Oz, Hogwarts, and Lothlorien all rolled into one. It is an imposing structure, with turrets and towers and razor wire. Huge Great Rooms and hallways that run for miles. Fireplaces you could roast a full-grown Carabao in and spiral stairways that climb upwards to observation platforms where you can see straight ahead for two days, and a rookery where we keep one of the few flocks of trained hunting Golden eagles in the country.

There are out buildings where we house the staff and however many interns we happen to have on hand at the moment. A commissary, an infirmary with its own medical stuff, rolling beds, tongue depressors, sharp-like anything scalpels and tie downs, our own proprietary infrared machines that are far more accurate than the old x-ray machines used in most hospitals, and much more equipment we haven’t even unpacked yet that only trained medical personnel can use. We have a technology department with its own labs and machines, state of the art computers like the Apple Macintosh and Amiga and Atari systems, we spared no expense in outfitting this lab because we knew computers might just be the next big thing. Chemistry labs full of dead frogs and glass rods for stirring things, and things that sit on Bunsen burners and bubble, stuff so advanced that MIT constantly asks for the plans so they can replicate it.

There are orchards with exotic fruit down in the valley, herds of wildlife similar to the Serengeti roaming through the meadows and highlands, only with our own American kind of animals like deer, elk, pigeons, bears and hippos but American ones, ones that were born here and have the legitimate kind of birth certificates to prove it, nothing imported. We sponsor our own private group of indigenous people that have lived on this land since before the white man came to this country. It has its own roads, undeveloped but adequate for the half-tracks we use to get up and down the mountain to get the mail. A helipad without marking lights as we don’t want the paparazzi gaining access to The Institute’s grounds. We have many important celebrities and government bigwigs constantly visiting us that like to hob-knob with our trained diplomats and spend time here just relaxing and drinking tequila and Everclear, abusing our interns, while getting caught up on all of our latest projects and developments. In fact without sending our word of the day to the tower it is unlikely our defense system would allow you landing privileges. For security purposes we keep the actual look of The Institute private so don’t bother trying to use Google Earth to see it. That isn’t going to work, we got it jammed.


Is it multi-national.

No but it is global. This is kind of a yes and no type of question. We have outposts and offices in all the countries we’re not barred from. And we beam our message into every country in the world. So I guess it’s kind of multi-national and global too. Our crack IT department tells us that last year we had visitors from 66 countries visit the blog and some of those weren’t even trying to hack us. And who knows what’s happening out in the cosmos. From some of the comments and letters we’ve gotten it’s certain there are aliens among us.


Is it true The Institute practices Indentured Servitude

No! Absolutely not. Our employee contracts simply place our prospective employees under an exclusive binding, non-refutable non-releasable 17-year contract where we provide them with food, living quarters of some type, clothes of our own choosing all though sometimes due to conditions beyond our control we simply have them exchange clothing with each other, some medical assistance, lots of advice and guidance on how to live a clean moral life, and chits which can be redeemed in the company store for miscellaneous things, in return for their labor. Many of our employees, with the exception of our highly respected PhD’s are former redemptioners, persons kidnapped for that purpose, convicts and paupers that are grateful for the employment. That is nothing like Indentured Servitude. Although it seems like we have a high turn-over rate with our contract people, due primarily to malnutrition, disease, wild animal attacks, normal gruesome injuries from the hazardous duty portion of their employment, madness, depression, unexplained accidents, rickets, yaws and beriberi, although we’re making headway with the rickets. So we are constantly looking for new people to hire. If you’re interested in a unique, adventure-filled, dangerous but intriguing job, contact our HR division here at The Institute. We are an Equal Opportunity employer.


Where is it located

The location of The Institute is in the Northern part of the Great Rocky Mountains. Getting here is simple. Just cross the plains and watch for the snow-covered peaks to rise up over the horizon, then leap as hard as you can into the air, travel to the Second star on the right then straight on ’til morning. We put those directions in there because there are actually people who follow things like that and we’d really rather they visited Six Flags or one of the Disney parks as we get tired of them hanging around all moony faced and touching the trees and stuff. For those of you serious about coming here we have provided the co-ordinates to reach here via Lear Jet or your private helicopter. Simply set your GPS to Latitude:40.7394257 Longitude: -105.2047033 call in your landing request and prepare to take fire.


Who works there

This is an interesting question. I’ve also asked it many times. We have a huge number of employees, in fact it’s unknown if we’ve ever had an accurate census taken. We have many departments that are always over-staffed especially the unimportant ones. We have a difficult time staffing our really important serious-like critical departments, like our radar facility, our Medical units, (for supposedly trained medical personnel why are they always calling in sick), our Commissary staff, our HR department which is always top-heavy when we’re interviewing potential applicants to our cheerleading squad but set up a meeting with some dry old nuclear physicist who mumbles and is always cleaning his glasses and where is everybody, out sick that’s where, but they’re always there for Pasta night at the commissary or to watch the mud and jello wrestlers. This is something management is going to take a serious look at pretty darn soon.


Is it scientific

Is it scientific? Does a hobby horse have a wooden belly button? Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? Yes it’s scientific. Geeze.


How is it funded

This is a complex question with very complex answers. To simplify we have consulted with our teller down at the bank, she’s new, in fact it’s her first job since she graduated High School but she seems nice and intelligent, at least as smart as the Economic Majors we have on staff here. She provided this answer which ought to make it easy for even the thickest financial dull normal out there to understand. We know the Director immediately got it.

We subscribe to the policies indicated in the Net Capital Rule, which is as you know is set out in the following.

A 2004 SEC decision related to the net capital rule allowed USA investment banks to issue substantially more debt, which was when The Institute immediately began buying up 1st through 3rd mortgages on in-place mobile homes over 35 years old, which was then used to help fund The Institute’s construction bubble through purchases of these mortgage-backed securities. The change in regulation left the capital adequacy requirement at the same level but added a risk weighting that lowered capital requirements on AAA rated bonds and tranches. This led to a shift from first loss tranches to highly rated less risky tranches and was seen as an improvement in risk management in the spirit of the European Basel Accords.

Of course this put us squarely in the middle of the Sub-Prime problem which wouldn’t have been a problem if they had just left everything alone and let it ride it out to the end but NO, they didn’t. They had to screw around and fix stuff that was working just fine for us.

The value of American subprime mortgages was estimated at $1.3 trillion as of March 2007,with over 7.5 million first-lien subprime mortgages outstanding of which The Institute had cornered the market with its low-end trailer mortgages. Between 2004 and 2006 the share of subprime mortgages relative to total originations ranged from 18%21%, versus less than 10% in 2001-2003 and during 2007. The majority of subprime loans were issued in California, where The Institute had much of its investment centered, because we liked surfing and bikinis and you could sleep on the beach if you couldn’t make rent that month. The boom in mortgage lending, including subprime lending, was also driven by a fast expansion of non-bank independent mortgage originators ( read guys in old vans writing mortgages on folding tables at flea markets) which despite their smaller share (around 25 percent in 2002) in the market have contributed to around 50 percent of the increase in mortgage credit between 2003 and 2005. In the third quarter of 2007, subprime ARMs making up only 6.8% of US mortgages outstanding also accounted for 43% of the foreclosures which began during that quarter.

By October 2007, approximately 16% of subprime adjustable rate mortgages (ARM) were either 90-days delinquent or the lender had begun foreclosure proceedings, roughly triple the rate of 2005. By January 2008, the delinquency rate had risen to 21% and by May 2008 it was 25% and that was when things really went to hell.

Since then we have been writing grant proposals for practically anything we can think of hoping that some of them stick and we start getting some of those big Fed dollars. We also have crews combing the roadsides for returnable and cans and bottles, plus we do a brisk business in renting out interns for various jobs around the west. Mine reclamation, Refuse and recyclable Material Collectors, Migrant workers of all types and more.

Also we accept donations of old used School Supplies, canned goods, fancy clothing up to and including old furs and stoles, money, old used gold, precious gems, Faberge eggs, old antique automobiles, must be running, Steam powered vehicles, locomotives, gum, freeze-dried foods, iPads, Swarovski crystal, uncashed tax return checks, donations of livestock, unneutered, graphic novels, pictures of old people, silver certificates, passes to sporting events and lard. If you have anything that you think may be valuable and you need to donate it to us send a self-addressed stamped email to the Director.


Does it support WitSec

Why do you ask? Who are you? Are you looking for anyone specific? Are you Gus, or Vito, or their friend Thug? There is no one here that had anything to do with that thing in Wichita City. So don’t be coming around here asking questions. Does it support WitSec, we don’t even know what that is.


What about those strange reports we hear about it

As far as we know there are no strange reports about the Institute only strange people asking about them. It is our opinion that there must be another Institute in the area that is the topic of strangeness. We do responsible science here, we do not use divining rods, or fractured chickens waved willy-nilly about by mostly naked ex-coeds who should know better, even on the weekends when we have fractured chicken party night. Or even worse just make stuff up because you the average reader doesn’t know any better. We have to account to the government and when have you ever heard of the government accepting bad workmanship, or cost over runs on one of their projects, or accepting bad science and over paying for it? I know, it’s been a long time right?


Why do you employ so many down and out PhD’s

This is a really touchy subject and one that requires a lot of obfuscation to answer. Many times they are not down and out when we hire them. That comes later. Mostly after we have sent them out on some of the research projects where they may have undergone harrowing, life threatening experiences with little or no support from us as we had forgotten that we had sent them out there, or they may have gotten snippy about pay or something and we were just trying to teach them a lesson by withholding life saving assistance. But the question was why do we employ so many down and out PhD’s and the simple answer is we can get them cheap. Many of them are tired of the long hours and skimpy pay in the food service industry so they’re quick to grab any job that promises them the chance to work in their career fields. Once they sign our extremely long-term contract we’ve got them and that lends itself to depression and low self-esteem. For more information on this question see our answer to does the Institute practice indentured servitude above.


How did they get so down and out

Well as doctoral candidates, it begins near the time they have to defend their thesis. They drink a lot of Everclear. A whole lot. That stuff is 150 proof at least. As candidates they have been at this process for years, some for decades, working impossible hours, slaving under task masters that would have been drummed out of the British navy back in the 1700’s when they didn’t even care what happened to people, they’ve been fed poor food and made to wear hand me down shoes and undergarments, made fun of by tenured personnel that hated them just because they were ugly plebes. It was enough to make any one of them feel so low that whale feces looked like stardust. Yet through it all they retained enough humanity that they some how passed their tests. They made it at last, they were now PhD’s, but at what cost? Even though they had finally attained their goal they were broken human beings, pitiful shells of themselves fit only for the lowest rung on the food service industry ladder. That’s when our recruiters swept in and with outrageous promises and inflated stories of adventure and glamor that could be had working for the next 17 years for the Institute, got them to sign the contract and they were ours.. This has led to many of them finding the rock bottom they thought they had hit years ago.

Are they ashamed

Yes, to a man and/or woman they are.


Who is on the board of directors

Unfortunately under advice from counsel we cannot answer that question at this time. Sorry.


Does The Institute give refunds

In as much as The Institute does not as yet sell anything the answer is No, we do not. That would be like giving money away. That is not a good business practice. As has been stated many times before The Institute does rely on the kindness of strangers. So we do accept donations of high value items including American money and of course Krugerrands, so if you are one of those mindlessly generous persons that we need to hear from again, you already know that as soon as that item hits the steps it is immediately converted into cash and funneled off shore where neither you or any one else besides The Director will ever see that thing again. So no, no refunds. None. Not any. However those of you who feel the spirit and have that sense of love and can make that big free will love offering, dig deep brothers and sisters, find that cash, get those Krugerrands you stashed under the floorboards in grandma’s room and send them in. Don’t miss this opportunity to feel good about yourselves, give, give until it hurts, the pain will set you free and you’ll be a better person for it. Bless you brothers and sisters. But remember no refunds.


Can I seek employment there

Yes but we are extremely selective in our hiring process. You must be in perfect physical health, have an I. Q. In the high 4’s, we actually prefer someone in the 1700 to 1900 range, be able to speak eleven languages fluently, be able to hold your breath for 16 minutes minimum, have at least 3 PhD’s, 7 or more are preferred, be able to subsist on 80 calories or less per day, be able to follow instructions explicitly without question yet able to think and make critical decisions on your own without screwing up, and of course have at least one quantifiable psychic ability. However we also know that if you match any three of those requirements NASA will have already scooped you up and you are on your way to mars. Besides we can’t even begin to match what they’re going to be paying you, so we’re basically going to accept any prospective candidate that is semi-conscious, have the basic I.Q. of a summer squash, can make your own mark on our contract, and can keep from biting yourself when we talk to you. Please apply in person, without your parole officer, in an upright stance, be at least 18 hours from your last binge, and willing to have no contact with the outside world for 8 months until you are properly indoctrinated with The Institutes culture. We are an equal opportunity employer. Se habla espanol.


Who are some of the PhD’s that work there.

Ed, Billy, Emmanuel, Virgil, Clifton, Mr. Slippery, Big leg Kathy, Lil Liza Jane, A. Einstein Jr., Mistress Candace, Bambi, Alice and Brad, plus some others we can’t mention right now due to their WitSec status.


Are they for real



Does The Institute really have a fleet of top-notch research vessels

Oh my yes….We are a top-notch scientific organization here, not some schlock outfit that has to hitchhike to our various projects around the country. There is the Bokeh Maru our smaller research vessel that is able to maneuver into the more discreet areas yet still carries all the equipment necessary to handle a full-bore scientific expedition. Then of course is our newest acquisition, the Mothership, a full-sized completely outfitted research vehicle which is able to tow our shuttle craft which is also our scout vehicle, more of an extended rover if you will, for those times when we have to be away from our base. And last but not least we have our own specialized patented hand sewn customized footwear constructed from the Toughenized™ skin of free-range Monitor lizards from the interior of Borneo. Those are in case we have to actually get out of our vehicles and do a job of work by walking around unsupported by the cushy seats we’re used to and we feel we deserve, in the vehicles.


Are they paid for

Listen if you’re that outfit out of Salt Lake that keeps calling, we made that payment and we told you not to call here again. There was money in that account when we wrote that check. If you can’t cash it fast enough that’s not our problem. You need to get speedier accounts receivable people. Do not call here again.


Does The Institute break the code of Omerta

I swear to God and every holy fixture in the Vatican and surrounding 12 mile area that we have never, ever, ever broken the code of Omertà. Please on my sainted great -uncle ‘s second cousin’s wife twice removed, grave, we have never in word or deed broken the code of Omertà. Don’t even ask that as a joke. What the hell are you trying to do give me a heart attack?


Does The Institute have a good FICO score.

Yes. We regularly score in the high two figures. We have outstanding lines of credit at Ray Everett’s early paycheck cashing and liquor store, a substantial cash surplus fund at the coffee machine in the main lobby of The Institutes’ central building and we have just come into a windfall of an unsecured line of credit for over a million dollars at a bank in Nigeria according to an email we just got this morning. Miracles happen to those with good intentions. We have already committed a large amount of this money to infrastructure upgrades in the Directors private quarters but there is plenty left to continue the good work The Institute is known for.


Does The Institute support any Eco or green causes and why

No not really, we believe that stuff is a lot of hooey