Christmas Gift Selection # 10 For 2017 – Tame Photographer

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Dwight Lutsey Photographer At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “go get ’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining and as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Pop Goes The Marmot

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One of the amazing things about young yellow-bellied marmots that live in trees is their incredible ability to have fun. Many people don’t realize that marmots can and do live in places other than rocky outcroppings and boulder fields. This marmot family that consists of a large brook-no-nonsense female and her three youngsters known as pups, have been living in a tree in a meadow in Grand Teton National Park  all summer.

They have taken over a large fallen hollow tree that is leaning against a large boulder at a 45° angle at the meadow’s edge. The pups are large enough now that she leaves them home alone and goes out into the meadow to forage. While she is gone the pups spend the day inventing new games to play while they’re hanging around the house. The pup has learned a new game called “Whack a Marmot” and spent most of the afternoon popping out of the various holes in the tree trunk. In a day or so he won’t be able to use that hole as he will have gained enough weight from the females milk and eating the browse she brings back that he won’t be able to shove his chubby little head through the hole anymore.

Their home had made the list of places to stop and stare at wildlife and was constantly besieged with curious visitors that wanted to see exactly how the marmot family lived. After the female came home and found humans looking in the open end of the tree trunk and dumping Fritos into the opening in a vain attempt to get the kids to come out, she called a meeting of the family and told the kids they were bugging out. She sent them to the farthest inner reaches of the log with dire warnings as to what would happen to them from the humans and probably by her if they came out before she came back. Having been on the receiving end of the females emphatic instructions before they were much more worried about her than the humans who would bang on the outside of the trunk in an attempt to get the youngsters to come out.

It wasn’t long and she was back and after indicating to the visitors not to approach too closely she began airlifting the pups out of the trunk by grabbing them by the loose skin around their necks and carrying them off across the meadow to their new home. She managed to get two of the pups relocated and as she was returning for the last one it  could not resist one more look at everyone who had caused their eviction. In a few moments the entire family was gone and the meadow was quiet again.

Later in doing some research on this post an interesting discovery was made. Wanting to know more about marmots in general the Marmot-A-Rama page was accessed and it was found that Marmots are Italian. If you look closely at the chart below you will see that their Taxonomy clearly shows their origin and that each phyla entry is written in Italian. You can see this more clearly if you sound out the entries phonetically. Such as Chordata, pronounced ‘Chorrr dah’ taaa” or ‘mah may’ leeah’. Another way to prove this is to look carefully around the den entrance for old pieces of pasta or broken opera records. Anything with Pavarotti or the Three Tenors will prove this beyond any doubt.

Kingdom: Animalia

Phylum:   Chordata

Class:      Mammalia

Order:      Rodentia

Family:     Sciuridae

Subfamily: Xerinae

Tribe:         Marmotini

Genus:       Marmota

Yeah I know, weird right? But that’s Nature for you. In case you were wondering, the person who took this shot of the young Marmot pup was not one of the bad tourists who got too close to their home. We know better, we’re professionals here. This picture was taken with a powerful, long, telephoto lens from well over a hundred yards away. We know how to do this. Just thought you should know.