Christmas Gift Selection # 10 For 2017 – Tame Photographer

TamePhotographer4182
Dwight Lutsey Photographer At Work In Monument Valley

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The most unusual gift *The Institute has ever offered. Nothing like this has been presented since the days of Indentured Servitude. That’s right it’s your chance to purchase your very own 

**Tame Wildlife Photographer !!!

We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that likes to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you. You’re in luck as this photographer is available immediately as he is in between assignments at the moment. Please be sure to read the **fine print at the end of this post before placing order.

You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky free range grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut in full unfettered antlerhood but don’t like the thought of being gored repeatedly? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want (also known as Fine Art Images in the trade) of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory, simply by turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “go get ’em boy”. Then sit back and watch those pictures come rolling in. Note: a ratio of 3 “keepers” out of every 100 images taken guaranteed. Also each “keeper” photograph guaranteed to be “frameable and hangable anywhere in your home, gallery, yacht, doublewide, or stone structure of immense age. Hanging hardware available at small extra charge.

For those who crave a little more excitement in their lives you can attach a GoPro video camera, not provided, optional at small extra cost, to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair. A sturdy but svelte photographer’s assistant must be provided to tenderly care for any injuries sustained in the course of the assignment. Italian works best but any of the Nordic types or that special Irish assistant considered. Please see small print at end of post for details.

Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold weather gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.

Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 **

** Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Unless of course the purchaser is in fact Italian herself, then that requirement is waived. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but interesting and entertaining and as well. Twinings English Breakfast Tea must be provided each morning preferably before beginning assignment. This is essential to good mood of photographer and is non-negotiable. Other photographers request may arise and must be given full consideration unless Sturdy but Svelte Assistant ( Italian works best) can change his mind. This is a partial list of requirements, please see contract for further details.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

On A Rock

OnARock                                                             click to enlarge

 

Build your house upon a rock. The Anasazi took that advice to heart. Their buildings in Mesa Verde are still standing in nearly livable condition after seven, eight  hundred years. Well, not all of them of course. The ones built before they brought in zoning and building codes sometimes just fall down, but that doesn’t change the soundness of the advice.

People look at a scene like this and say “Where’s the rest of it? Where’s the rest of the building?” They fail to see the genius behind the Anasazi’s plan. This was never supposed to be a completed building. This is a stage prop. The Anasazi were incredible actors. They not only acted, they wrote their own plays, built backdrops, put on shows that would rival anything on Broadway today. It was why all the trails led to Mesa Verde, it was the Great White Way of its time.

There have only been fragments found of the marquees that trumpeted some of their greatest productions, such as dramas, like

Bringing In The Maize

Romeo and Juliet

My Metate, My Mano

and Mysteries such as,

Who Hit Lenny With a Stone

My Acorns Are Missing

The Case Of The Half Eaten Dog

or light-hearted comedies which were exceptionally popular, such as

The Encyclopedia Salesman And The Farmers Daughter

You Wanna See My Pestle

Don’t Do That Again, You’ll Get A Hernia

The comedies may seem a little coarse and unsophisticated by today’s standards, but remember these early people were living in a rock apartment building with no central heating or AC, kind of like they do in Detroit and parts of New York city. They needed some diversion.

The next time you’re visiting some ancient culture’s living conditions and you wonder “How come they did that?” or think “Jeez, I’d a never done that.” remember these folks were different than you. They were shorter. They pretty much only ate corn and the occasional dog. They got bored easy. They couldn’t just run over To Wal-Mart and get stuff, there was no Wal-Mart. Try and figure out the reason they did weird stuff. You may find out they weren’t so goofy after all.