Monthly Archives: December 2013
Announcement !
Raven click to enlarge
Due to the Holiday’s the Institute will be dampening the fires, closing up shop, turning out all the stock and letting all of our staff go home for the holidays. This is unusual for us because normally we don’t let the staff leave for any reason unless they leave something valuable enough behind that we know they’ll return for it. They have a distressing habit of breaking and running at every opportunity unless we hold something they will return for. This year however we’re trying a new policy, one of trust and the belief that right will prevail and everyone will return as promised because they love their jobs and can’t bear the thought of not being able to perform their duties. We have high hopes that this is a new beginning and will result in a much better rapport between staff and the Aristocracy. So to give everyone the maximum amount of freedom the law allows we won’t be posting from now until the first few days after New Years to give everyone time to get back safely and surrender their passports again.
I would like to thank every one of our erudite, literate staff members for doing an excellent job in preparing and producing the material we post almost daily and to you our readers, for risking eyestrain and brain damage by reading it. We are sure that your Christmas and New Years will be extraordinary. If not, you have only yourself to blame, you can’t blame us, we can’t do everything although we would if we could, so we hope you make the best of it. Please suspend your donations while the Institute is on holiday. We don’t know who will be answering our mail but we’re sure they’ll steal whatever they can, especially the cash you send. Make sure we’re back and open for business before sending cash. Also make certain those envelopes are opaque and marked “For the Director’s Eyes Only” in great big letters with a magic marker. Thanks.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Everyone!
see you next year.
Christmas Gift Selection # 10
Dwight Lutsey Photographer Monument Valley click to enlarge
Tame Wildlife Photographer
We’ve saved the most special gift selection for last. If you’re one of those people that like to take pictures but just can’t take a good one for love nor money then this gift could be perfect for you.
You could own your very own tame wildlife photographer! Are you uncertain about approaching those pesky grizzly bears, or apprehensive about running with the wolves? Do you secretly want to sneak up on two mammoth fighting bull elk in the height of the rut but don’t like the thought of being gored? Well, here’s your chance to have all the pictures you want of every kind of animal or landscape or Nature in all its glory by simply turning your very own tame wildlife photographer loose and say “go get ’em boy” and watch those pictures come rolling in.
For those who crave a little more excitement you can attach a GoPro video camera to your photographer and watch as he shinnies up a tree to escape that enraged buffalo. See the expression on his face as his expensive camera gear is reduced to a pile of trash. You can share in the emotion as you see those tears running down his face are real as he thinks about what is going to happen to his insurance rates, all from the comfort of your favorite arm-chair.
Your very own Tame Wildlife Photographer comes complete with all the accessories you see in the image above, including tea thermos and hat. Scenery varies as you can send him to any picturesque place you wish. Photography outfits vary according to climate changes. Low Desert cold gear is featured above but your Tame Wildlife Photographer can be dressed in a variety of outfits, except shorts and knee socks, of course.
Tame Wildlife Photographer 65.00 *
* Shipped to your doorstep complete no assembly required. Meals and lodging to be provided by purchaser. Italian works best. Must have own entrance to living quarters and access to purchaser’s Ferrari. Vintage Jaguar type B acceptable, however must be British racing green, or newer Ranger Rover but no domestics. 401k and stock portfolio to be established prior to any photography assignments and per diem to be established according to location selected. Health and life insurance for $8,000,000.00 will be provided prior to any assignments to Angola, Detroit or Somalia. Monaco will require evening clothes and a new pair of shoes. Italian works best. Must have appropriate time off to complete prior assignments. Must have three weeks time away to attend Cannes, although may be able to coordinate purchasers assignment requirements if necessary. All travel will be First Class or better and sturdy but svelte female assistant to be included in all extended assignments of 48 hours or longer. Italian works best. Photographer will never be sent to shoot weddings, children, bridal showers or octogenarian cuddle parties. Photographer will always be treated with respect regardless of his mood and purchaser will be required to find all of his stories not only delightful but entertaining and interesting as well.
Christmas Gift Selection # 9
5lb Ham
5lb Ham
This is a very special item for the next to last gift choosing day. You’ve all heard the old joke about the guy who comes to his boss and says “I have to attend a ( Polish*) wedding and I need the weekend off.”
The boss says sure and two weeks later the guy comes into the office and the boss says “hey, you asked for the weekend off to got to a wedding and it’s two weeks later. Where you been?”
The guy says “They had a drawing and I won 2nd place, which was two weeks in Hawaii with the bride.” The boss says “Two weeks with the bride! Geez! What was first place?” The guy says “A 5lb ham.”
Well, this is that ham! This is the original 5lb. ham awarded to that 1st place winner at that Polish wedding way back then and we got it! What are the odds? It was never opened because the winner knew that this was going to be history. That ham would eventually be enshrined in the halls of legendary humor. Our gift researchers found it on eBay and bought it just for this round of gifts. This makes Monet’s Bridge look like a stocking stuffer. There is only one of these and it’s only available here.
Man! You got to be excited about this one. That joke has had to have been told for 50 years. I remember snorting milk out of my nose the first time I heard it. It was in the mess hall at the Naval hospital on Guam. This is like one of those moments when someone asks you where were you when Kennedy got shot. You remember. If we seem a little excited about this gift choice it’s because we get a lot of stuff in here that is one of a kind, or really special, or unique even fancy, but this, the original 5lb. ham from that wedding, well it’s priceless. In fact you know what? I’m not even going to sell it to you. I’m keeping it. I just wanted to show it to you so you tell your grandkids you saw the original 5lb. ham.
So there you are. NO gift today, just history.
Original Legendary 5lb Ham NFS because it’s priceless.
Note from the Director: I would like to take this moment to let you all know that we here at the Institute, and that of course includes me the Director, the head PooBah, do not condone any Politically Incorrect humor at all. We realize that what may be funny to the majority of Americans may cause some individuals with a limited sense of humor to feel uncomfortable. If Polock jokes make you feel kind of weird like you might want to laugh when you hear them, but you think you really shouldn’t, we want you to know that we feel your pain. Just know that in some parts of the country like “Wisconsin” they tell Belgian jokes, but they’re not nearly as funny as Polock jokes. In fact in Chicago and other parts of Illinois they tell “Cheesehead” jokes but those are really not funny and should be stopped at once. The joke related above is simply a reporting of humorous fact as it was presented back in the heyday of humor, like when we were kids, when you could laugh at whatever you wanted to and it wasn’t meant in a mean-spirited way, which reminds me of another story about when A Rabbi, A Priest and a Duck walk into a bar….. but then that’s a story for another day.
* Insert the nationality of your choice here that you’d like to slander, I like Polish because I’m part Polish on my sister’s side, but you can use any nationality you think is funny.
Christmas Gift Selection # 8
Monet’s Bridge France click to enlarge
Monet’s Bridge
Here it is, the gift you’ve been waiting for. Monet’s Bridge. Yeah, the painter guy. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to own a piece of French history that coincidentally is architecture and also has utilitarian uses. It’s a triple threat all rolled into one big chunk of masonry beauty. This bridge is located on the Little Loire river near the small French village of Beau en Valle in the heart of the famous Loire valley. Paris is just a hop, skip and a baguette up the le road. Once the haunt of visitors wanting to escape the summer heat of Paris it has lately fallen on hard times with a greatly reduced tourist count.
This is the actual bridge that Monet and his friends used to jump off of, stark naked, to skinny dip when he was a kid. The bridge where he was fascinated by the reflected colors that blended and swirled on the surface of the slowly moving Little Loire river that led him to create a brand new art style. This architectural beauty is perfect for that garden pond, French inspired walking garden, Mall entrance, or simply used for access to that lower forty (wide enough for a John Deere model B tractor and hay wain to cross with room to spare). It can be yours if you move fast. This bridge in all its uniqueness is being sold first come, first served.
The Institutes antiquities department has been working on this deal for years, and now that the French government finds itself in a similar position financially that the U.S. is in, they too have begun selling off less popular items in their architectural catalog. So after many nights of wining and dining some minor French bureaucrats we got them hammered enough or as the French say “se soûlant” that they agreed to sell it to us lock stock and river water. Their loss is your gain.
The bridge is complete with included guard rails and natural patina you see in the image above. Another lucky break for us came when we discovered that the French, again due to budgetary constraints, were discontinuing the Little Loire river as well. Unfortunately we didn’t find out about this until the river was mostly discontinued but we were able to salvage enough of the actual river water to make a 5½’ diameter pond 4′ deep on either side of the bridge plus some flowage between the two. Also included but not pictured are two road signs, the round white ones with the red circle around the outside with the number 45 in the middle.
Monet’s Bridge 104,953.00 FRF *
Bridge is to be sold intact and must be moved as one piece, includes 50′ of roadway on either side of bridge. Buyer responsible for transportation and permits to allow structure to be moved through the French countryside to the Port of Marseille a distance of 904 km or 562 miles. Any costs of dismantling or razing of French buildings or rerouting phone and power lines to allow transport is the sole responsibility of buyer, as is damage to the French highway system and security to protect workers from angry French citizens. Buyer must post bond equaling $80.00 American and surrender passports until move completed. Buyer must sign agreement not to make fun of French language or make impertinent remarks about local food or culture. Buyer must adhere to strict three-day work week.
* $16,000.00 U.S.
Christmas Gift Selction # 7
Captive Golden Eagle click to enlarge
Bird of the Month Club
Here’s something truly different for that other fussy hard to shop for person on your gift list. Give them a membership to our exclusive Bird of the Month club. They’ll have you to thank as each month, regular as clockwork, the Fed-ex guy shows up at their doorstep with that months selection. All birds are guaranteed to arrive alive, healthy and hungry, with full documentation as to country of origin, quarantine papers, customs declarations and care and feeding instructions. Note: our birds are guaranteed to be alive upon delivery, unlike the parrots that were imported from England in the 60’s that arrived as, well, dead parrots.
This has been a very successful program for us with satisfied customers in nearly every state. Imagine the fun as you wait for the Fed-ex delivery of each new months selection. The kids will be excited, that’s for sure. We can tell you the types of birds you will be receiving during the year but it will be a surprise as to which individual species you get each month.
This month’s selection has already been chosen and as you can see it is the beautiful American Golden Eagle. Imagine owning your very own Golden Eagle! This bird had recently been flying free over the Rocky mountains, hunting its prey, the Snowshoe hare or the wily Hoary Marmot and through a special arrangement with the Department of the Interior we are able to trap them (using a patented humane Leg and Beak restraint system we developed here at the Institute) re-educate them and sedate them with FDA approved “EagleDown” a mild tranquilizer we use to make the birds manageable while we do stuff to them.
Birds arrive at your doorstep in a humane carton, ready to be unpacked and placed in their new surroundings. Simply remove the bird, dispose of the packing pellets and snip the zip-ties with heavy-duty wire cutters (not included), remove the eye patches and quickly but firmly stuff the bird in its new home. Note: on some of the larger, more aggressive species you may choose to reverse the unpacking order. Note: Allow 7-14 days for sedative to wear off before handling birds.
This years exciting selection of species include the European Wood Stork, the very one that delivers all those European babies, the feisty but lovable Caracara, a South American eagle, the Dipper or Ouzel for those with garden ponds, our choice of either a Great, Barred, or Barn owl, Sorry no Snowy’s this year. We were unable to come to an agreement with the Canadian government over our trapping methods.
New this year, the Black-Browed Albatross, usually a long-flier but we have modified their feather patterns so they simply loop around your yard in a delightful circle. Another new choice is the Snail-eating Limpkin another treat for the indoor or outdoor gardener. We’ve included the Vermillion Flycatcher, great for shut-ins and apartment dwellers. No more flyswatters for you!
A perennial favorite and recently brought back to our collection by special agreement with the Egyptian government, we proudly offer the classic White Ibis, long a favorite of those pyramid builders. Our new and improved variety no longer needs to be near major architecture. This selection replaces the Roseate Spoonbill we normally have on hand. Due to a diet change imposed on the spoonbills by the Florida division of wildlife the Roseate Spoonbills’ color has turned from its usual lovely rose color to a muddy dull maroon, quite below our standards.
We round out the selections with our usual, Western Tanager, Emu, African Bee eater, and the always popular, Scarlett Macaw.
Bird of the Month Club Membership 12.95 per month plus shipping and handling
Availability: In Stock
Note: Due to fluctuations in the world market, revolts, coups and general unrest, customs intercessions, organized disapproval of our practices, or lack of funds to complete the program we may at our discretion substitute a realistic life-like hand-painted reproduction of the common sparrow, or even a slightly faded photograph of same if our monthly choice of species is unavailable.
This is one of our least expensive gift programs selected this year but we’re sure you’ll agree it’s certainly one of our most unique. We can offer this program at such a low price because of the huge volume we do in the licit trade of relocating animals and birds around the globe. You may also wish to explore our trial program of “Ducks of the Month” and new this year “African Predators of the Month” this should be an exciting program.
Christmas Gift selection # 6
Rocky Mountain National Park Colorado Click to enlarge
Your Very Own National Park!
Here it is, your chance to own a National Park known the world over for its scenery and wildlife with no strings attached. That’s right, you would be the sole owner! Keep it like it is, Develop it, Scrape it and put up a better one, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. What an incredible gift this will make for that special person on your list. This National park has it all, towering majestic 14,000′ peaks, the mountains that scrape the sky, teeming wildlife populations that include huge free-roaming elk herds, black bear, owls, eagles, marmots and chipmunks, fish, 11 coyotes, some beaver, Bighorn Sheep, and a pika.
How can this be? you ask. Well what most people don’t know is that the Institute has a real estate division that often contracts with the federal government to dispose of property it no longer wants. We were contacted by the Department of Interior to conduct a sale of this National Park due to policy changes that no longer emphasized the focus on Nature and it’s attractions. Since the downturn and sequestering and the lack of attention to the American publics wants and needs it has been decided to liquidate some of our most popular Natural attractions to show our willingness to be fiscally responsible. While this may be disturbing to the few who actually like Nature it is an incredible opportunity for one of you, or a group if you decide to pool your lunch money, to own a huge part of American history, not to mention acreage.
This National Park, which we can not name at this time due to federal regulations, but whose initials are Rocky Mountain National Park, will be offered for sale beginning this week by closed auction. Opening bids start at $20.00 and will continue until we decide that’s enough money and close the sale. Since the Director will have the final say and this is a private sale open only to people we like or that have an impressive amount of money, foreign governments welcomed, any considerations made to the Director personally will be taken into consideration ( for clarification contact the Director at his private number, all offers confidential ) in deciding when to close the sale.
This sale includes the National Park, all 265,761 acres, it’s infrastructure including all buildings, roads, water rights, lakes, ponds and puddles and necessary fencing, any personal effects left by departing staff members, all wild life including any offspring born to said park wildlife outside the boundaries of the park, the food service court located at the visitor center on Trail ridge road, all other concessions connected to the park, anything with the name Rocky Mountain National Park on it, the right to charge admission to enter and set regulations regarding that visit, if you desire to continue allowing access by the public that is, the ability to retain any proceeds from the sale of items left in the lost and found department and other perks to numerous to mention.
Bidding begins at noon December 24th and ends at 12:00am December 31st. Winning bid will be announced January 15th, 2014. All bids are to be in cash or bearers bonds, presented directly to the Director of The Institute by the end of business on December 31st, 2013 and are non-refundable. The Director has sole authority to determine winner in case of tying bids. so here’s your chance to really suck up to the guy. Any inducements no matter how lewd will be entertained. Title will be conveyed by an act of Congress sometime in the future.
National Park bidding begins at $20.00
Take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and bid early and often. If you aren’t successful on this property there is the possibility that two more properties are on the block for later disposal. We can’t disclose which two but think Big Ditch and Geysers and you’ll be close.
Merry Christmas everyone!
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