Tis a sad day in Wichita. A funeral generally is except if it’s for a low down, miserable, no account, needed killing, degenerate low life, which was about every other funeral in town in Wichita during the 1860’s.
Not so for this one however. No, this is the funeral for one Klimson J. Staunchbier an unfortunate soul who never had much luck in this world. In fact some say he was so bereft of luck that if he had a duck it would drown.
He was known for attempting several get rich quick schemes that never panned out, such as his idea to make blacksmiths and of course himself, rich by developing dissolving horseshoe nails for horse shoes. The idea being that the nails would dissolve in short order, and the horses shoes would fall off, requiring the horse to be reshod frequently, sometimes before the horse had even reached the edge of town. This didn’t sit well with the horses owners who were out the cost of shoeing said horses with the faulty nails, not to mention the inconvenience and aggravation of the situation, who paid a visit to Klimpson for restitution and satisfaction rather than the blacksmith who was a burly 380 lb. fellow who was surly at best and downright nasty at his worst. That was why some said it was the cause of Klimpson’s left eye being bigger than his right by about a third and his right leg was bent so funny.
Mr. Staunchbier’s lack of luck held right to the very end when the less than lovely but extremely friendly Ms. Big Leg Kathy, an employee of the Better Don’t Go There Social Club and Dance Emporium, accidently dropped a large Blue Willow ceramic pot made in England, but ordered direct from St Louis at some expense, off her balcony. Her statement said that she was in the act of dumping the container off her balcony as she was wont to do when her hand slipped, dropping the pot, striking Mr. Staunchbier dead center on his bald but hairless head and completing his worldly journey on this sad and unforgiving coil. There had been some loose rumors floating around town that Klimpson had owed her some money from a previously completed business venture, though those rumors were never substantiated. However those that witnessed the accident said it was a spectacular sight.Mr. Staunchbier’s funeral was lightly attended, in fact it was only the long suffering Mrs. Enid Flowerless Staunchbier, the bereaved widow, and the acting Funeral director, Mr. Callow T. Sunday paying their last respects. If the truth were known and it often is, Enid stopped by to check that it was indeed her husband Klimpson in the box as he had a habit of not being where he said he was going and often missing supper, something that stuck mightily in Enid’s craw. It is unknown who or how many mourners were at the gravesite but it was assumed not many, as everyone was pretty busy that day.
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