Dancing With The Bulls

A lot of folks who live on either coast think that entertainment and the civilization to appreciate it only exists on either coast. Of course they live on either coast and tend to forget or not even realize that there is an entire country between those two coasts. A big country filled with people who occupy that entire space here in the middle of America and are just as sophisticated and worldly as any stuck-up but arrogant, think they’re cooler than us, coastie.

Take TV for instance. Sure most of the shows we see here in the hinterland are produced on one coast or another but did you ever stop to think where the ideas for those shows come from. Like “Dancing With The Stars” for example, that’s the show where famous couples perform various dances in front of America ,whether either of them knows how to dance or not, and are judged by a panel of people who decide just how good or bad those dancers are because we’re not smart enough to figure it out for ourselves, and we’re supposed to like it. They wear fancy clothes you’d  never go to Wal-Mart in, and prance around doing dances we never even heard of. If you danced like that down at Tony’s Ball room and Beer Bonanza you’d get asked to leave pretty damn quick.

Now smart as those tv show producers want us to think they are we have it on good authority that they don’t think up those shows their ownselves. Nope they get ideas from us out here in the flyover zone and want us to believe it is original thought on their part.

What you see in the photo above is a prime example of what we mean. It’s a show put on by us locals here in the western part of the US and it features a talented bunch of individuals that really know how to dance. The show is called “Dancing With The Bulls” and has been in production for a long time, way before TV was even invented in fact. We’re the real deal here, no kidding around. This dancing couple was just introduced during the show’s performance. Never having met before this show, they didn’t have weeks of rehearsals and practice. They simply walked out on the dance floor and got it on, so to speak. All of the choreography and costuming is done by the contestants themselves and their routines include a lot of free form interpretation of the music. The more spirited the performance the higher the marks.

The bull, named “GonnaKillYa” out of Hereford Texas, wearing a fashionable number 8 hand-twisted hemp belly rope, and the Rodeo Clown who wants to remain anonymous as he has some outstanding warrants, so we’ll just call him “Hey! Look Out!” are performing a never before seen performance to “Can’t Get No” by the Stones. The bull is pulling down some high numbers with his ability to twist and turn and shake it up baby with all 2000 lbs. of his tightly packed unground round in motion, and his ability to put his cloven hoof down exactly where he wants it usually pretty close to the Rodeo Clown’s head. The Rodeo Clown is no slouch either throwing in his version of The Twist made popular by Chubby Checker and The Fat Boys. This couple shows promise and is in the running to win this weeks contest so they can appear again next week and win big prizes. Buckles for the cowboy, new feed bag for the bull, a lifetime supply of frybread. We’re talking big money here.

But the important thing here is the fact that its us out here in middle America, the real folks that make up the bulk of our great country, we are the ones who are the creative bunch, who have the ideas and skill to bring entertainment to everyone. We’re the ones out here Dancing With The Bulls. The ones getting our ideas ripped off. And don’t even get me started on how they robbed us of our epic saga of older women in nursing homes called Game of Crones….

The Hanging

My name is Rafe McCleary and I’ve been running this livery stable here in Mothersell, Montana for the last 32 years. I’ve seen a lot of folks come and go, eager to make their fortune or simply to set a while and figure out what comes next. The story I’m about to tell you ain’t pretty and is one of the most heart breaking events ever to happen here in Mothersell and to this day it still makes me maudlin and close to tears when I think back on the dark deeds done that day. It involves a family of farmers from Sweden that stayed for most of the winter and the effect they had on the town and the effect the terrible events that happened to them changed us all. And the hanging. The hanging I’ll get to in a minute but first I need to tell you why we had a hanging. It is this story that is a dark stain on Mothersell’s history and one that makes us sad to hear recounted to this very day. It’s about a family, a wonderful family that was visited by the worst luck ever I knowed about.

The Olstrom Twins were one of those rare moments of beauty that occurred in the West occasionally. Twelve years old at the time Ansgar and Blenda Olstrom were part of an immigrant party that passed through Montana on their way to the wilds of the far northwest where they intended to begin farming in the hard dry earth in what is now the panhandle of Idaho.

Fair blond hair, startling blue eyes, pure white skin the color of the finest alabaster, they were a sight seldom seen in the tough hardscrabble mining town of Mothersell Montana. Blenda was particularly beautiful and was called Maj as a nickname which meant Pearl in Swedish, as her skin was the same color as one of those lustrous jewels. Since they were twins it could be said that Ansgar was beautiful too but back then we didn’t speak like that about boys. But he was sure a handsome young lad and sought after constantly by the few young girls we had here at that time. The miners that lived here were more accustomed to the weatherworn, wind scarred faces of those who had survived the brutal winters and scorching summers of the high Montana mining country. To see untouched innocent beauty like the Olstrom twins was a surprise and a blessing, showing all, that beauty was possible and still existed despite the hardships of their daily lives.

The Olstrom wagon was on its last legs as were their stock and the men that drove them. The trip so far had been as arduous as any journey can be and they needed to stop and repair their equipment and their spirits before completing the last portion of their journey. Mothersell seemed to be that perfect resting spot and as Winter was fast approaching they felt it prudent to stay and continue on in the Spring. While here the men helped out around the town doing handiwork and fixing things and being good with wood in their spare time they whittled things like animal figures and spoons and carving fancy designs into wooden plates, an art form not seen in these parts and sought after by those townsfolks who wanted to add some beauty to their severe dwellings. The womenfolk took in washing, baked marvelous pastries and pies and sewed and repaired clothes. All were an asset to the town and highly thought of.

But it was the twins that were the jewels that graced the mean unlovely town of Mothersell. Brighter than any gold dug up or panned out of the streams they were blessed not only with beauty but voices that could sing the wings off an angel. Pure, high, impossibly beautiful voices that could bring hard men to their knees in a fit of crying because they had forgotten how beautiful life could be. They sung songs about the glory of God, they sung songs in Swedish that nobody could understand the words to. They learned some of the songs the miners loved to hear and sung those. They just sang, It didn’t matter what. They could hum and people would cheer. Their harmony made the sound of their combined voices even more impossibly wonderful and there was never a time when they sang that they didn’t get the whole town to turn out.

And that was their glory, and due to the devil’s workings, their downfall. Like in all towns Mothersell had its share of unsavory people. Those that you just knowed was going to cause trouble and do a mischief if they got the chance. Such was Leopold Baron von Klesser, also known as The Kraut, a soiled little weasel that did not live up to his fancy name, which some thought was made up anyway. Slight, squinty-eyed, with a nasty disposition and behavior that got him shunned by anyone who ran acrosst him he was forced to live in a ramshackle hovel some ways out-of-town and subsist on the edges of people’s good will. And he was totally and obsessively smitten with Maj. Due to some of his previous behavior he was never allowed to get in arm’s distance of any of the young children in town and was watched constantly when he showed up to get supplies or whatnot.

Then of course it happened. The bad thing. The worst thing you could ever imagine even if you can imagine bad things. There was screaming and shouting and cries of terror and grief when it was found that the twins was missing. Both of them. Groups immediately formed and went out looking. The Sheriff went door to door checking every building in town. Mine shafts were checked. The river was scouted both up and downstream for five miles in either direction. Nothing. Nothing was found. No bodies, no tracks, nothing. They was just disappeared.

But as it has to be they was found. Dead, both of them. Their bodies totally mutilated and desecrated. The beauty that was them was gone and lost forever. It looked like they was taken by Indians. There had been some Blackfeet around lately and folks thought they had done it but that turned out to be untrue. Indians didn’t have nothing to do with it. They was innocent just there to trade and see how the whites was living. No it was that bastard Leopold. He done it. He snuck in and got Maj and made Ansgar come along under some guise or other and took them way out on the prairie where he did terrible things to them and then killed them to make it look like it was Indians.

The Sheriff went out to Leopold’s place and found some pieces of Maj’s clothing there and after an all night session in the jail Leopold confessed. To say there was a chaotic reaction to this unfolding was the understatement of all understatements. There was talk of moving Leopold to Bannack for safe keeping until the circuit judge could arrive but the Sheriff knew that given how people felt neither he nor Leopold would make the trip to Bannack, so he just ringed the jail with deputies and told everyone that anyone trying to lynch Leopold would  be shot, even if that was what that bastard Leopold The Kraut needed more than anything.

The City Fathers came together and decided that they would hold the trial here in Mothersell and preside over it as both judge and jury given as they run the place anyway, and the Sheriff, bought and paid for by them, went along with it as he couldn’t see no sense in getting his ownself killed by the angry townsfolk over somebody like Leopold. The trial was held, Leopold Baron von Klesser was found guilty of man-killing, or in this case, child-killing and was sentenced to be hanged by the neck until dead, dead, dead, the dirty son of a bitch.

Normally hangings were an almost joyous event. A bad person was made to pay for his crime, people felt good about the justice that was done and it was a chance to get together and see neighbors and friends you hadn’t seen for a while. Have a picnic, get drunk maybe. Not this time. What Leopold had done was so terrible and what he had deprived them of was so precious to their hearts that although it was one of God’s gifts to see this monster hung they could take no joy in it. He wasn’t going to be given the tumultuous celebration he craved so they all stood there in mute silence as the floor of the scaffold dropped out from under Leopold Baron von Klesser and he went to see his maker to be judged for his life and done with as God saw fit. One thing did happen. The father of Ansgar and Blenda quietly asked the hangman if he couldn’t make the noose a little loose, which was done after being slipped a gold nugget, which to his credit he refused that gold feeling much the same way as the crowd did and Leopold’s last moments were indeed terrible to behold as he didn’t have the quick clean death of that short fall and the snapping stop of a broken neck. Instead he had a very long time of dangling and kicking and gasping, making truly unholy noises until finally he swung slowly back and forth and the deed was done.

The crowd went back to their individual lives. Leopold was left to swing for the rest of the day before being taken down and unceremoniously dumped in a hole out near the landfill. No marker, no one in attendance except the undertaker and he didn’t want to be there either, in fact, in one more act of uncivility by the undertaker Leopold wasn’t even put in a box or given the courtesy of being wrapped in a shroud. Just thrown in a hole and buried like a rabid dog.

A beautiful bright spot and loss of an irreplaceable beauty was left in the town and it was a long winter indeed in Mothersell that year. The Olstrom party departed the following spring and are still raising potato’s in Idaho I hear.

So ends the story of a dark chapter in Mothersell Montana’s history. Like I said it ain’t a pretty tale to tell and the town isn’t proud of it. But it happened and as such it deserves to be remembered with the good and the bad even if it is a painful thing to recall.

He’s So Mean He’d Bite His Own Self

Rattlesnakes. That’s all you’ve got to say to give many people the Heebie Jeebies. And rightfully so. My old man, who I loving referred to as Dad, or Father if I’d done something really bad like wreck the family car or torn out the centerfold in his Playboy magazine, used to say about somebody he didn’t like much that “He’s so mean he’d bite his own self.” to make a point about the person’s character. Now biting one’s own self conjures up a picture of somebody that just couldn’t hold that meanness in no matter what and if there weren’t no one around to be mean to they’d just go ahead and bite their own selves just to feel good about being so mean.

Rattlesnakes are low down. That’s in the western, cowboy sense of not being tall, or in another way, not being of good moral fiber as in “He’s a no-good low-down snake in the grass.” meaning, well, he’s a low-down no-good snake in the grass. Stay away from it and don’t have no truck with it at all. Don’t do anything fun with it like go camping or maybe out to dinner, or even just have a friendly conversation on a hot muggy day. Because they’ll bite ya. Even if you don’t need getting bit. They’ll do it just to see that look on your face.

A really good friend of mine, a lady of good reputation from North Carolina, was one time jumping over one when it reared up and bit her in the foot. There wasn’t no need for it  to do that. She was just trying to get out of her garage and saw it laying there so rather than step on it, she’d been well brought up by a loving southern family and taught not to go stomping around on snakes, so she took a mighty leap in the air to avoid it, but that didn’t mean anything to that no-good low-down snake. It just up and bit her good while she was in mid-air.  She survived after using up most of the anti-snake venom in the western speaking world and to this day doesn’t think very highly of rattlesnakes. See that just illustrates my point. For a good southern woman who likes everything and is good her own self to everybody and everything to be made to feel that way is just not right. Rattlesnakes are just mean.

 “Why do they have to be so damned bitey all the time?” is a question asked by many snake bit or unsnake bit folks who happened to be minding their own business when coming close to one, who then experienced their meanness in one shape or another. “We wasn’t doing nothing to it and it tried to bite us. That’s low down.” See that’s the problem with the world today. There’s this feeling that everything in the natural world has got to be your friend. Well that flat is untrue. Wrong. There’s plenty of stuff in the world that doesn’t give a flat flying fig about you at all. Snakes, particularly Rattlesnakes don’t care about you. Politicians, and I almost have to apologize to snakes when I lump them together, don’t care about you. And I almost forgot, Badgers. Badgers are almost worse than snakes when it comes to not caring. For proof of that just type in badgers in the search box at the top of this page and you’ll see lots of stories about how mean and uncaring badgers is. The Thing About Badgers is just one story that proves my point. Great White Sharks is another. When is that last time you heard about a Great White Shark gently nudging a drowning baby back to the boat to be rescued. Nope you haven’t. Know why? They don’t like you. They is just mean.

The snake in the picture above is a case in point. It is currently doing life in a New Mexico, correctional facility for biting a god-fearing, but upstanding citizen who wasn’t doing nothing but trying to hit it with a stick. Unfortunately for the citizen that stick was too short and well, it ended badly. Now the snake is doing hard time for just being true to itself. Which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. They should lock them all up and it wouldn’t bother me at all. This one is participating in a new type of therapeutic rehabilitation where it is exposed to people by being placed on display in a glass cage where people can come up and bang on the glass to annoy it. The idea being that this will change the snakes attitude about people and it might, maybe could be, released back into society. It seems to be working as the snake has become pretty indifferent to people in general. But every once in a while a cute little kid will come up to the cage and raise their delicate little kid hand to smack the glass a good one when the snake will suddenly lunge at it, rapping its fangs a good one on the glass just millimeters away from burying those long teeth it that pudgy little hand. So I guess it needs a little more time in the box, so to speak.

I guess if there’s a moral to this story it’s not everything wild in this world likes you. So leave it alone. Don’t mess with it. And try to have good luck when all else fails. Because there are things out there that are so mean they’ll bite their own self just for the hell of it. Rattlesnakes is one of them. Or if you can’t do that make sure your stick is long enough.

A Moose By Any Other Name…

A moose by any other name, would it smell as sweet? That’s the musical question that’s been asked around the dinner table for eons. Bill Shakespeare asked it once about some flower. I myself just asked it the other evening when there was a lull in the conversation, remarking “Hey! Would a moose by any other name smell as sweet?” No one in the shocked silence that ensued ventured an opinion. It is a complex issue. I even overheard it asked at one of the sanctioned Cage Fighting events I attended. Eugene the Face Masher asked it of his arch rival Constance the Nose Ripper Johnson as they entered the cage to begin their bout. It made for an interesting match as they discussed the pros and cons of the matter until one finally collapsed in the sheer exhaustion of trying to come to some agreement. That and getting a Flying Backbend Screaming Roundhouse Kick to his melon.

Having heard rumors that he was less than sweet-smelling, as many of his peers would attest by running gagging into the woods upon his approach, and I need to tell you it takes a lot to gag a moose. Plus foliage as far as a quarter of a mile downstream was wilting and gasping, turning their little petals to the sky before dropping into the stream and sailing slowly face down towards the Pacific ocean, he removed himself to the nearest stream where he could complete his ablutions and perchance be allowed to return to polite society.

 It is Spring after all and normally a young bull moose’s thoughts would turn to love but not this guy. He’s too young, he’s just got little paddles, all his thoughts turn to is stuffing his big fat face. And like many a young man he can handle that problem very well. So far he has carpet grazed this stream bed, the meadow on either side out to a half mile, and left a trail of arboreal destruction through the woods to get here of everything even remotely resembling food and is on his way to the next movable feast a mile or so downstream.

If you would like to meet this fellow simply take the backroads through the high mountains to Vail, Colorado and watch along the creek as it heads down the mountain. He’ll be there if he hasn’t completed his scorched earth policy of grazing everything to the bare rock and gone somewhere else.