Every once in a while we are fortunate enough to bring you an up-close and personal interview with personalities in the animal world. This week we are fortunate to have the opportunity to talk with one of the most interesting characters we’ve ever met. He’s one that everyone is curious about but few get to meet before their time. Here is our in-depth interview with the Grim Raptor. Due to the importance of our subject this week our interview is being conducted by the Institute’s very own CEO, and President, the man we know mainly as The Director.
TD*: Welcome to the show, I’m kind of at a loss as to what to call you. Is it Mr. Grim, or Raptor, or Ted or GR. What would you prefer?
GR*: GR will work.
TD: Well to start off, I’m sure that our audience would like to know how you came to be called the Grim Raptor.
GR: Well, it’s because I kill stuff.
TD: I see, well that certainly is to the point. That’s all you do?
GR: Yup, hunt ’em down and kill them.
TD: I’m sure we’re all dying to know, how did you get this job. It’s not like you can go down to the Unemployment office and say “Hey Got any openings for a Grim Raptor?” Is there a training program or a guild or Union, what, how does this work?
GR: We don’t usually talk about this, the other Grimmers and me, I mean, this is stuff that is very secret hidden knowledge, arcane kind of stuff you know. But the truth of it was me dad was a Grim Reaper and his dad before him and my grandpa, it goes way back. When I was just a little Raptor fresh out the nest, me Mom and Dad were off at some kind of retreat or convention or something and me and me brother was home alone and we got to squabbling like young Raptor’s do and he said stuff and I said stuff, tempers flared and before long I just pushed him out of the nest. That was it. When the folks got home, Dad took one look and said “That’s it then Ted, you’re a Grim Raptor”.
TD: Wow. You pushed your brother out of the nest? How could you do that?
GR: Yeah, well, he was a whiney little twit, always trying to get up on nest edge so he’d get the first mouse that the folks brought back, always hogging the shade, hanging around with mom telling her stuff I’d do while they was gone, so I just got my head up under his wing and pushed and out he went. Simple really.
TD: Ok, well uh, moving along, you mentioned earlier that there were Grimmers. What are Grimmers? Are there are more than one of you who does what you do?
GR: Yeah, sure, there’s bunches of us. See, it ain’t that big of a secret really, every group has somebody who is the Grim Raptor of their group, they don’t call ’em Grim
Raptors of course, they all have their own names for them. I can’t tell you what they are because of the pact we made at the last get together but they’re out there. Even you guys have one. Death. He’s a scary bastard that one. I know we ain’t supposed to say his name but man, he makes us look like Sunday school teachers. Watch out for him.
TD: I didn’t know that. I knew about death of course, but I didn’t know there was one for every type of being on the planet. That’s amazing.
GR: Right, it’s a big job isn’t it, and the big guy can’t do it alone so he farms parts of it out, outsourcing like, and so that’s how this all gets done. Makes sense then doesn’t it, when you think about it I mean. Uh oh, Looks like I got to cut this short. There’s a rabbit over there that I’ve been looking for. Got to go, See you later, well it probably won’t be me but it’ll be somebody. Until then, Be Good.
TD: (Long Silence…) So that concludes our interview with the Grim Raptor. I’m sure you all found that informative, as did I, and I was going to say that I hope we’d have him back soon but on second thought, let’s do somebody different next time.
*TD The Director * Grim Raptor