Evolution Of A Fairyland

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In the realm of magical places you normally see the place as a finished project. You don’t see all the effort it took to complete the process. For instance Yellowstone appears to be a finished magical place. Yes there are still changes going on but they are minute and incremental so that you hardly notice any change occurring at all. Same with the Grand Canyon. The water still wears away the rocks surface but unless you have the ability to sit very still for incredibly long periods of time you don’t notice it. We consider these place “Done” and don’t expect any thing more from them. They’re perfect just the way they are.

There is one place however where you can still see the transformation taking place. That place is Bryce Canyon. The evolution from a beautiful and magical site continues right now at an accelerated pace and becomes even more incredible as the transformation occurs before your very eyes. Although this transformative process is taking place throughout the park there is one spot where it is occurring at a phenomenally rapid speed, geologically speaking.

That spot is Fairyland Canyon. Fairyland Canyon is a special area slightly removed from the main amphitheater area that Bryce Canyon is most noted for. It takes a little hiking to get there but once you’re there prepare to be astounded. As you can see in the photo above, the Hoodoos are changing from the beautiful deep red rock into a creamy white, icy frosting color, a rare shade in Nature. Eventually when this process is over Fairyland will be a small jewel box filled with towers and spires and rock formations of the deepest shades of white and cream that will gleam like polished ivory in the soft light of the sun and be impossibly beautiful in the moonlight. I would not go there unless you want to fall deeply, irretrievably in love as that would be what would happen if you were to see it in the light of a full moon. So be careful who you take there.

The Institute has observers that keep constant check on the rate of this change as we were the first to note it happening and they have noticed that it appears to be accelerating faster and faster. Their calculations show that at the apparent rate that this change is undergoing the entire Fairyland canyon area will be completed no later than the 19th of October this year.

That’s an astounding figure, geologically speaking, anyway you look at it. The geologists that we brought in for a second opinion were frankly skeptical but then we realized they worked for the government and couldn’t be trusted to give an impartial collaboration for fear of being out of a job. First they didn’t notice this phenomenon at all themselves, and secondly felt completely outclassed by The Institutes trained observers. Our people’s ability to come to conclusions and process this information in a lightning fast manner that made us look so good, was beyond their rigid thinking and inability to veer away from the accepted scientific approach to interpreting geological behavior. Their way takes so much time and we have better things to do than sit around for millennium waiting for something to happen when we can just formulate new predictions and hurry the entire process up.

So that’s what we’ve done. Using all of our expertise and lack of knowledge, not to mention our complete disregard for current scientific conventions, we were able to formulate, confirm, publish and be out of there with an entirely new way at looking at geological evolution before the other guys even had a clue about what was happening. But that’s how things are done at The Institute. We bring you the latest, newest, most unconventional approach to science and the world, so you are among the first to know “What’s Happening Now!” science-wise. Yes we know it’s incredible but you’re worth it.

Notice! Important Rodeo News Announcement

This post has been moved to OpenChutes.com. All future postings of Powwows, Indian Relay Races, Rodeos and Rendezvous will be posted there from now on exclusively. So if you’re looking for new images and posts for all those events attended this year, plus all the old posts posted on BigShotsNow.com check out OpenChutes.com. See you there!

For Immediate Release:

No NDA; Full Dispersement All TV, Radio and Print

© The Institute Public Relations Department

New Breed of Rodeo Bull available immediately

The Institute announced today the release of a new breed of bull to be used in all general rodeos both public and private. A member of the Sanga species of cattle, the Ankole-Watusi or Ankole Longhorn is a 1200-1600 lb. animal with rather remarkable horns that grow to 8′ in width and have been measured at 12′ across from tip to tip in the truly larger specimens.

We see them as particularly interesting in events such as Steer roping, Steer Wrestling, Bull riding, kiddie rodeos etc. We do not recommend them for petting zoos, carnivals or arcades that feature cows doing tricks, or as a replacement for oxen, carabao, or other domesticated breeds of working cattle. Due to their unpredictable tendencies towards mayhem and property damage we do not sell, rent or lend them to private citizens or countries hostile to the interests of the U.S.

They are trail-able in open top trailers with four or more axles. They do not respond well to cattle prods but can be managed with portable Arc welders set on high. Tig welders work best rather than the spool fed Mig welder as you can more easily drop the Tig welder assembly and run away when necessary, where as many Cowhands have become tangled in the wire feeder spool of the Tig welder and been tripped up letting the irritated bull “Catch” them and stomp off their legs.

Imagine the excitement of watching the “Big Loop” ropers as they spin the big hoop to catch one of these fast-moving bullet train bulls. Or the size of the biceps, not to mention the Juevos, on those heavy duty Steer wrestlers as they try to bring down one of these bad boys. Bull riders will be “backing up” when they draw one of these huge fellows. Think Mike Tyson when they draw one of these guys and hopefully getting an ear bit off will be the least of their problems. They’ll probably need an ear bit off just to get on one of these. These are not just your typical African cows. As you may have already imagined, being a product of The Institute, we have genetically modified these bulls to behave just a little more aggressively and be a tad more murderous and quicker to become miffed at any one who tries to ride them.

These new “Rodeo Ready™ bulls are only available from The Institute and can be rented by the hour, day or season (with acceptable credit) from our Rodeo-Ready™ Supply store here at The Institute’s Rodeo Training™ and Physical Therapy department. Note: Due to liability issues we can not rent out more that 150 bulls to any one customer. Please contact Clarence “one Eye” McThompson in our prosthetics and Ass-Sling department for more details.

End of Press Release. All news outlets run as many times as possible. See below for further information on these great new Rodeo Bulls.

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These animals were usually owned by African Royalty and were called the “Cattle of Kings” and the Inyambo, “the cows with long, long horns.” As this breed is also known for its ferocious, aggressive tendencies and a unabiding hatred of humans, and a desire and an ability to mash much of the royalty that owned them to a thin paste under their hooves, plus their inability to get along generally, they are considered extinct in many parts of Africa today. This bull is an adaptation of a much older African species of bovine mutilators used by many tribes to decimate, or at least wipe out, their enemies by sending elven or twelve of them into their neighbors Enkang (village) to wreak havoc on their Bombas (homes) by first leveling the village then eating the materials used to build their huts. Thereby leaving their enemies homeless, penniless and dung ridden and easy to subdue.

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This close up of bull no. 8811 or “Little Bill” as he’s known around the bull pen, shows one of the new characteristics of our genetic meddling with their DNA. Look closely at the rings circling their horns and you will see that there are darker and lighter rings circling them. Each of those rings are a permanent encoded marker, or record, of their victories in the arena. The darker rings signify the number of cowboys or anyone else goofy enough to get too close to them that indicates the contest resulted in a successful fatality. The lighter rings show that a permanent maiming took place rather than a fatality. This is a handy way to easily see the bulls level of meanness which is helpful if you want to bail when you’ve seen you’ve drawn one of these to ride. Given the patented lighter/darker formula of indicating the outcome of individual contests the completely dark areas at the ends of Little Bills horns show that he was one of the original dozen bulls sent into a village and the fatalities were too high to count. This resulted in the blackout at the end of his horns. Don’t mess with Little Bill if you don’t have to.

Let us know if we can help you with your stock needs at any of your official, private, or backyard rodeos and we’ll be happy to send you one sample bull to try out. If you think he meets your needs we’ll be glad to work out a rental program to suit your requirements. Rodeo season is just around the corner and as the fatality record goes up these bulls will be hard to find. Reserve your stock now while we’re making deals. Otherwise expect to pay top dollar when all your regular bulls wimp out during the height of the season. Please direct all correspondence to The Director at the Institute.

National Pretty Picture Day

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National Pretty Picture Day is a holiday we started here at The Institute to celebrate pretty pictures. “Don’t we have way too many freaking holidays now?” you might ask if you got them off without pay. But what would you say if every National Pretty Picture Day was not only a paid holiday but you’d get triple or even quintiple time for it. That’s right fellow workers quintiple your normal pay just because it was National Pretty Picture Day. Bet you’d like the hell out of it then.

That’s exactly what we’ve set out to do here at The Institute. Get you quintiple pay for a day where the only thing you’d have to do is look at least at one pretty picture hopefully here on the blog, and then send us one dollar via cash check or money order. We added the dollar to the bill that is rapidly dying a slow death in Congress right now, because we thought of the holiday first and it was hard work requiring a huge amount of time thinking real hard. And drinking highly caffeinated tea while looking out over the mountains that border the Institute grounds too. This caused a rapid beating of the heart muscle and blurred vision. A health risk to be sure but that’s how highly we think of you our readers that we’re willing to take some of the chances we take, just to bring you a better life.

Right now you are not allowed to submit your pictures for this holiday but that may change in the future depending on how this send us a dollar thing works out. If we got enough of those dollars and they weren’t that funny money from the monopoly game or hand-drawn pictures of dollars that are supposed to fool us, then we might change our mind. We have ex-bankers here on staff that are trained to spot that kind of thing, so don’t even think about it. If our National Pretty Picture Day bill can be snuck through Congress, a dollar will be automatically withdrawn from every living American’s paycheck and deposited in our overseas account in the Barbados to cover our costs and expenses. But look what you’ll be gaining. A day off. Quintiple pay. And most importantly a day filled with pretty pictures. Really nice ones that make it worth it.

We’ll be bringing you more information as we follow our bill through the Congress of the United States. Yes it is our great democratic system at work. Isn’t America great?

Don’t Be Sad Little Chicken

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Well then, OK… hummm. There are many problems both big and small that plague the birds and animals of Yellowstone. There’s freezing cold and wildfires and big hairy scary things that jump out at you and eat you. There is sometimes little food or else there’s too much and you eat until your size 2 is a size QQXXXL that is only made in certain parts of rural Russia which was the Union of Soviet Socialists Or We’ll Kill You Republic.

But one of the biggest hardships of all is when for some reason they do not have access to BigShotsNow the blog, which is published by The Institute and is the sole source of news and events for all the denizens of the park. Without it they don’t know the results of the annual park inspection report that determines where the individual animals will be stationed within the parks borders, or how much they’ll be making, or who’s baby was just born, or if you’re an elk or buffalo, whose baby was just eaten. Or of you’re a wolf and/or wolf pack, where the best place for elk and bison to hang out. So having the blog is a really big deal for them.

If you read the announcement a few days ago explaining our tale of woe then you know we’re having problems with our image storage system. We’re still having trouble. Big Trouble. NASA kind of trouble. Tesla kind of trouble. Third or Fourth ex-wife kind of trouble. Not mid-east kind of trouble that’s just over the top, but sometimes it feels like it.

We have double shifts working around the clock on it but even with all the help we have, it’s still slow going. We can’t do anything about the current or future news we report on but we can lead you towards our archives where we keep the news of the past. There are literally hundreds of articles and poems and handwritten prose, over eight hundred to be exact, and they are rollicking tales and ripping yarns filled with adventure and mis-stated fact, and thoughts that I bet you haven’t thought your ownself or even could if you tried. They’re all there just begging to be reread. Just go to the calendar and find a blue day, hover your cursor over one and it’ll tell you its name. What could be easier than that. Or you could scroll down under the search box on the far right hand side of the page where it says Archives and see that each month with its corresponding year is listed below and you can poke around in those until you feel funny and have to quit for a while.

We’re working hard and not just screwing off like we do sometimes when there is a problem but really working, so the best we can say is “Don’t be sad, little chicken. We’ll be back up with new pictures and words real soon.”

ANNOUNCEMENT!

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Woe !  Despair !  Agony On Me !

“Where has the blog gone?” you say. “What’s happened? Have they found you?” is another question we get. “Is The Institute under siege?” No nothing so dramatic but that doesn’t mean we don’t have dramatic crap happening around here, because we do. Lots of it, and it’s the really dramatic kind too.

It’s computer trouble. How many times do you hear that now days? “We’re sorry but our computer system is down and we can’t you the results of your brain transplant until our tech gets here and he’s helping the folks at Burger Bloat get their system back online. They’ve got big trouble over there with people demanding their Giant eleven pound AchyBurger and Soggy Fries. We should have your results in the very near future, Sorry for any inconvenience.”

As you know if you know anything at all about The Institute, is that we try to keep our computer room rat-free. This has always been paramount to the running of our Cray computer system, the fastest, largest super-computer system in the English-speaking world, and we’ve been moderately successful given that our Cray computer is set up in a Tuff Shed so the heat it gives off doesn’t burn down the main building. We’d really be in a pickle if that happened, and as we were in a hurry to get it set up we decided against pouring a slab under the building and chose to set it on the bare ground instead. This was a time saving decision because we wanted to get it plugged in so we could get email and stuff. We see now in hindsight that it would have been better to pour the slab, as those pesky rats can burrow like some kind of demented badger, but it easy to throw stones now. It seemed like a good idea when we did it.

Unfortunately the Cray is where we store all of our images on those new little 3.5 floppy disks that are so handy. Well to cut to the chase here and save you some valuable time, some kind of Super Rat or maybe even a bunch of them found that the cables leading into the Cray tasted just like chicken and during this last snowstorm chewed through many of them and even ate some of the capacitors we hard wired into the cable for extra power. Well that tore it. Now we are scrambling like one of those monkeys with his football to try and salvage what we can. It looks like we are going to be able to save all of them (we hope) and will be back on the air, or I mean the page soon.

We are hoping that the government, that would be our government, seeing our distress would step in and provide us with one of their cast off NSA computers that they just throw in the dumpster if they get too many of them, suitably erased of all secret stuff of course, so we could get back to providing you with all the news and exposes, and events of little importance that you’ve come to depend on. So far they turned a deaf ear to our pleas. Perhaps if you wrote your representative a long letter asking them to intercede on our behalf they would show us some mercy and get us a computer muy pronto. But it would take all of you with some of you even writing two, or maybe several hundred letters to get their attention. So if you’re not doing anything right now, sit down and write like a crazy person. It may help, or it may get you on one of those lists the government keeps, we don’t know, but the effort counts. Thanks in advance for your support and we hope to be back up and running like the well oiled juggernaut of information you’ve come to love.