Christmas Gift selection # 6 For 2017 – Your Very Own National Park

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Rocky Mountain National Park Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections at this time of year when we remember to do so, in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done as far as writing new stuff. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time taxing our limited sense of originality making that new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own National Park!!!

Here it is, your chance to own a National Park known the world over for its scenery and wildlife with no strings attached. That’s right, you would be the sole owner! Keep it like it is, Develop it, Scrape it and put up a better one, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. What an incredible gift this will make for that special person on your list. This National park has it all, towering majestic 14,000′ peaks, the mountains that scrape the sky, teeming wildlife populations that include huge free-roaming elk herds, black bear, owls, eagles, marmots and chipmunks, fish, 11 coyotes, some beaver, Bighorn Sheep, and a pika.

How can this be? you ask. Well what most people don’t know is that *The Institute has a real estate division that often contracts with the Federal government to dispose of property it no longer wants. We were contacted by the Department of Interior to conduct a sale of this National Park due to policy changes that no longer emphasized the focus on Nature and it’s attractions. Since the downturn and sequestering and the lack of attention to the American publics wants and needs it has been decided to liquidate some of our most popular Natural attractions to show our willingness to be fiscally responsible. While this may be disturbing to the few who actually like Nature it is an incredible opportunity for one of you, or a group if you decide to pool your lunch money, to own a huge part of American history, not to mention acreage.

This National Park, which we can not name at this time due to federal regulations, but whose initials are Rocky Mountain National Park, will be offered for sale beginning this week by closed auction. Opening bids start at $20.00 and will continue until we decide that’s enough money and close the sale. Since the Director will have the final say and this is a private sale open only to people we like or that have an impressive amount of money, foreign governments welcomed, any considerations made to the Director personally will be taken into consideration ( for clarification contact the Director at his private number, all offers confidential )  in deciding when to close the sale.

This sale includes the National Park, all 265,761 acres, it’s infrastructure including all buildings, roads, water rights, lakes, ponds and puddles and necessary fencing, any personal effects left by departing staff members, all wild life including any offspring born to said park wildlife outside the boundaries of the park, the food service court located at the visitor center on Trail ridge road, all other concessions connected to the park, anything with the name Rocky Mountain National Park on it, the right to charge admission to enter and set regulations regarding that visit, if you desire to continue allowing access by the public that is, the ability to retain any proceeds from the sale of items left in the lost and found department and other perks to numerous to mention.

Bidding begins at noon December 24th and ends at 12:00am December 31st. Winning bid will be announced January 15th, 2014. All bids are to be in cash or bearers bonds, presented directly to the Director of The Institute by the end of business on December 31st, 2013 and are non-refundable. The Director has sole authority to determine winner in case of tying bids. So here’s your chance to really suck up to the guy. Any inducements no matter how lewd will be entertained. Title will be conveyed by an act of Congress sometime in the future.

National Park bidding begins at $20.00

Take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and bid early and often. If you aren’t successful on this property there is the possibility that two more properties are on the block for later disposal. We can’t disclose which two but think Big Ditch and Geysers and you’ll be close.

Merry Christmas everyone!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

National Pretty Picture Day

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National Pretty Picture Day is a holiday we started here at The Institute to celebrate pretty pictures. “Don’t we have way too many freaking holidays now?” you might ask if you got them off without pay. But what would you say if every National Pretty Picture Day was not only a paid holiday but you’d get triple or even quintiple time for it. That’s right fellow workers quintiple your normal pay just because it was National Pretty Picture Day. Bet you’d like the hell out of it then.

That’s exactly what we’ve set out to do here at The Institute. Get you quintiple pay for a day where the only thing you’d have to do is look at least at one pretty picture hopefully here on the blog, and then send us one dollar via cash check or money order. We added the dollar to the bill that is rapidly dying a slow death in Congress right now, because we thought of the holiday first and it was hard work requiring a huge amount of time thinking real hard. And drinking highly caffeinated tea while looking out over the mountains that border the Institute grounds too. This caused a rapid beating of the heart muscle and blurred vision. A health risk to be sure but that’s how highly we think of you our readers that we’re willing to take some of the chances we take, just to bring you a better life.

Right now you are not allowed to submit your pictures for this holiday but that may change in the future depending on how this send us a dollar thing works out. If we got enough of those dollars and they weren’t that funny money from the monopoly game or hand-drawn pictures of dollars that are supposed to fool us, then we might change our mind. We have ex-bankers here on staff that are trained to spot that kind of thing, so don’t even think about it. If our National Pretty Picture Day bill can be snuck through Congress, a dollar will be automatically withdrawn from every living American’s paycheck and deposited in our overseas account in the Barbados to cover our costs and expenses. But look what you’ll be gaining. A day off. Quintiple pay. And most importantly a day filled with pretty pictures. Really nice ones that make it worth it.

We’ll be bringing you more information as we follow our bill through the Congress of the United States. Yes it is our great democratic system at work. Isn’t America great?

Somethin Ain’t Right

Problem1733Bull Elk Rocky Mountain National Park    click to enlarge

 

Rumors had been drifting down the mountainsides here in Colorado that there was something amiss in the elk community up at Rocky Mountain National Park. Many of the bull elk could be seen gathered together talking amongst themselves, glancing with a certain amount of defiance and suspicion at the people passing by in their cars. There was disquieting talk that something was different this spring and it felt as if there was unwelcome and threatening change in the air.

Finally the suspense broke and a declaration was made. The bulls put out a pronouncement. After lots of arguing, debating and head butting it was decided that this spring the bulls were not going to drop their antlers as they have done for countless springs before. Above is a three-day old image of one of the central participants in this new movement defiantly and nonchalantly still sprouting his year old antlers, defying age-old traditions as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Now some of you may not realize what an extraordinary, astonishing thing this is. This is equivalent to Congress suddenly announcing that they were not going to work together, or take a pay cut, or get things done that were actually beneficial to the people they’re supposed to be serving, or stop being stupid, or lower taxes, or care for the sick, well you know, an impossible expectation.

Well as you have come to realize, this is the kind of event that The Institute exists for. We immediately began centralizing our resources, pulling our stringers in from the far-flung corners of the globe, scrambling our mobilization team. We began deciding who was going to do what, cleaned and tuned up our gear, made certain our lines of communication were open and sprang into action. Our crack researchers began researching when was the last time elk had refused to drop their antlers, if ever. Our tame photographer was sent to take pictures of any elk that still had their antlers on and there were many, our archivists began searching through old copies of Outdoor Life, Sports Afield, Cosmopolitan, Boy’s Life the official magazine of the Boy Scouts of America, for any mention or reference to previous occurrences of this phenomenon.

It is an awesome sight to see an organization like The Institute bringing its full weight to bear on a situation like this. We immediately began hearing from the other major news gathering organizations, When did we first learn about this? Were the elk serious? Had there been any commercial repercussions from this remarkable situation? Would this affect the local economy? Is this a bunch of bull? Did this mean there was a new policy regarding the elks right to retain their own antlers or was this simply a splinter group seeking media attention? Had there been any official comment by the Fish and Game department as to what steps might be taken if the elk continued to refuse to shed their antlers? Was there going to be a show of force? Was it true there had been a run on hacksaw blades at the local Ace hardware store? Who were these new elk and who was their leader? Are there any connections to elk in other parts of the world, namely the middle east? Will you share your information with the world?

There it was. The question that made all of our efforts and pain and commitment worthwhile. Will you share your information with the world?  Of course we will world. It is our Prime Directive. It is why we constantly lobby our representatives in our lackluster congress for more funding so that we can continue to exist and bring important stories like this to you, our fellow citizens. When this question was related to our staff, there was a moment of solemn silence as the importance of that question began to sink in until suddenly a rousing cheer went up, coffee cups and copy machines, desks and our expensive new $28,000 dollar printer were thrown into the air in celebration and this outpouring of emotion lasted until we brought in the dogs to regain order. Then everyone quickly rejoined the frenzy of activity and work that is the heart and soul of our organization, The Institute. In the past we have had to take difficult measures with our staff to keep them focused on the task at hand. Not this time, we didn’t have to cancel the Sponge Cake Bonanza in the cafeteria that everyone looks forward to, we didn’t have to spike their coffee with Mad Dog 20-20 to keep them energized. This was a genuine heartfelt response and desire to get this information and get it to you, our loyal readers. This unbridled spirit of cooperation brought a tear to the eye of many a harden staffer I can tell you.

Well it is day 4 and counting since this dramatic situation developed. We are still hard at it. As you might expect we have our experts up in the park to constantly monitor the situation and if there is any breaking news we will be there to observe, record, and distribute the newest developments. Stay tuned world, important things are happening.