Notice! Important Rodeo News Announcement

This post has been moved to OpenChutes.com. All future postings of Powwows, Indian Relay Races, Rodeos and Rendezvous will be posted there from now on exclusively. So if you’re looking for new images and posts for all those events attended this year, plus all the old posts posted on BigShotsNow.com check out OpenChutes.com. See you there!

For Immediate Release:

No NDA; Full Dispersement All TV, Radio and Print

© The Institute Public Relations Department

New Breed of Rodeo Bull available immediately

The Institute announced today the release of a new breed of bull to be used in all general rodeos both public and private. A member of the Sanga species of cattle, the Ankole-Watusi or Ankole Longhorn is a 1200-1600 lb. animal with rather remarkable horns that grow to 8′ in width and have been measured at 12′ across from tip to tip in the truly larger specimens.

We see them as particularly interesting in events such as Steer roping, Steer Wrestling, Bull riding, kiddie rodeos etc. We do not recommend them for petting zoos, carnivals or arcades that feature cows doing tricks, or as a replacement for oxen, carabao, or other domesticated breeds of working cattle. Due to their unpredictable tendencies towards mayhem and property damage we do not sell, rent or lend them to private citizens or countries hostile to the interests of the U.S.

They are trail-able in open top trailers with four or more axles. They do not respond well to cattle prods but can be managed with portable Arc welders set on high. Tig welders work best rather than the spool fed Mig welder as you can more easily drop the Tig welder assembly and run away when necessary, where as many Cowhands have become tangled in the wire feeder spool of the Tig welder and been tripped up letting the irritated bull “Catch” them and stomp off their legs.

Imagine the excitement of watching the “Big Loop” ropers as they spin the big hoop to catch one of these fast-moving bullet train bulls. Or the size of the biceps, not to mention the Juevos, on those heavy duty Steer wrestlers as they try to bring down one of these bad boys. Bull riders will be “backing up” when they draw one of these huge fellows. Think Mike Tyson when they draw one of these guys and hopefully getting an ear bit off will be the least of their problems. They’ll probably need an ear bit off just to get on one of these. These are not just your typical African cows. As you may have already imagined, being a product of The Institute, we have genetically modified these bulls to behave just a little more aggressively and be a tad more murderous and quicker to become miffed at any one who tries to ride them.

These new “Rodeo Ready™ bulls are only available from The Institute and can be rented by the hour, day or season (with acceptable credit) from our Rodeo-Ready™ Supply store here at The Institute’s Rodeo Training™ and Physical Therapy department. Note: Due to liability issues we can not rent out more that 150 bulls to any one customer. Please contact Clarence “one Eye” McThompson in our prosthetics and Ass-Sling department for more details.

End of Press Release. All news outlets run as many times as possible. See below for further information on these great new Rodeo Bulls.

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These animals were usually owned by African Royalty and were called the “Cattle of Kings” and the Inyambo, “the cows with long, long horns.” As this breed is also known for its ferocious, aggressive tendencies and a unabiding hatred of humans, and a desire and an ability to mash much of the royalty that owned them to a thin paste under their hooves, plus their inability to get along generally, they are considered extinct in many parts of Africa today. This bull is an adaptation of a much older African species of bovine mutilators used by many tribes to decimate, or at least wipe out, their enemies by sending elven or twelve of them into their neighbors Enkang (village) to wreak havoc on their Bombas (homes) by first leveling the village then eating the materials used to build their huts. Thereby leaving their enemies homeless, penniless and dung ridden and easy to subdue.

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This close up of bull no. 8811 or “Little Bill” as he’s known around the bull pen, shows one of the new characteristics of our genetic meddling with their DNA. Look closely at the rings circling their horns and you will see that there are darker and lighter rings circling them. Each of those rings are a permanent encoded marker, or record, of their victories in the arena. The darker rings signify the number of cowboys or anyone else goofy enough to get too close to them that indicates the contest resulted in a successful fatality. The lighter rings show that a permanent maiming took place rather than a fatality. This is a handy way to easily see the bulls level of meanness which is helpful if you want to bail when you’ve seen you’ve drawn one of these to ride. Given the patented lighter/darker formula of indicating the outcome of individual contests the completely dark areas at the ends of Little Bills horns show that he was one of the original dozen bulls sent into a village and the fatalities were too high to count. This resulted in the blackout at the end of his horns. Don’t mess with Little Bill if you don’t have to.

Let us know if we can help you with your stock needs at any of your official, private, or backyard rodeos and we’ll be happy to send you one sample bull to try out. If you think he meets your needs we’ll be glad to work out a rental program to suit your requirements. Rodeo season is just around the corner and as the fatality record goes up these bulls will be hard to find. Reserve your stock now while we’re making deals. Otherwise expect to pay top dollar when all your regular bulls wimp out during the height of the season. Please direct all correspondence to The Director at the Institute.

 

Moms Behaving Badly

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We’ve all seen it. Moms behaving badly. This can happen anywhere, at the mall, on the playground, out in the church parking lot. You get kids playing, overprotective mothers watching, Little Snortle pushes Jim, Jim pushes Snortle, moms think one or the other is playing too rough, tempers rise and suddenly you’ve got full contact MMA going on.

This can happen at the speed of light. One little misplaced head-butt, a surprised squeal from Snortle and Mom goes ballistic. That kid is trying to hurt her baby. Her first impulse is to trample little Jim but Jim’s mom isn’t having any of that because Jim didn’t mean it, and besides that Snortle is an ugly-looking little snot, and before you know it there are enraged bellows, forehead to forehead mayhem, and nevermind what happens to the kids at this point. One of them has to die. Jim was bright enough to see this coming but little Snortle nearly gets trampled in the melee. He’s not sure if he’s been snake bit, or struck by lightning as the conflict escalates. All he knows is when mom gets like this it’s time to put your tail in the air and haul buns out of there.

Buffalo have often been accused of being a few bales short of a truckload and never does this seem to be more true than when these moms get it into their heads that they have been disrespected, humiliated, insulted, or just looked at the wrong way. Once that happens nothing but total destruction can resolve the issue. Snortle’s mom, Heather, has always been a little sensitive and Jim’s mom, Gwyneth has always been a little overbearing and this match has been brewing for quite some time now. They didn’t get along in school, Heather thought Gwyneth had been trying to poach her bull, especially since she caught her rubbing flanks with him at the last neighborhood block party, so it was inevitable that a confrontation was going to happen.

Well, it certainly wasn’t pretty but it also wasn’t deadly. There was some smudged eyeliner and one of them had her hair totally trashed but all in all there were no broken bones or gored underbellies. Unfortunately buffalo being buffalo it didn’t resolve anything either. There is still plenty of bad blood between the two moms and we can fully expect to see this played out again and again. The kids on the other hand have forgotten all about what started it and they’re off to run around and chase each other through the herd until they irritate some other mom and then…. well you know whats going to happen.

This just goes to show you that people are people whether they’re buffaloes, or Baptists, when the ladies get touchy you know you’re going to see moms behaving badly.