Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 9 The Wave Generator

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Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own “Wave” Generator

Our next Christmas gift selection is for the water lover on your list. Does your gift-ee love the water? Does he keep a surfboard on the top of his Hyundai year round? If he has shown up at your last get together wearing surfing shorts, his speech peppered with phrases like “hang 5” and “Gnarly, Dude” then this is the perfect gift for him and or her.

That’s right, it’s a Wave Generator! Another *The Institute Exclusive, this compact little one size fits all unit, is perfect for the backyard pool. It will turn the tamest backyard swimming hole into a raging category 5 tempest with the click of a button on the handy remote (batteries sold separately). Waves up to 70′ are easily produced by the powerful ½ h.p. Briggs and Stratton tri-fuel motor. Swim in the gentlest of currents or crank it up to the Tsunami setting and watch your neighbors scurry for cover. (Surfer, Boogie board and rope Not Included)

Whether they have a salt-water in ground pool complete with imitation lava flows or the Heritage Oval 33′ x 18′ x 52″ deep Platinum Above ground Pool available from your local Big Box store, they can enjoy the realistic pounding surf of a Hawaii vacation produced by this delightful add-on to their pool environment. For those unlucky souls who may live in a colder clime we offer the optional inline heater to bring the water temperature up to a tropical 104° the maximum allowed, so they can enjoy their pools year round. This is the gift that keeps on giving year after year.

Wave Generator Kit includes handy 4 color rigid cardboard storage box, a powerful ½ h.p Briggs and Stratton, UL approved, tri-fuel motor, runs on kerosene, whale oil, or handy natural gas. (On/Off LED indicator, ‘bright red means it’s wave ready’, powered by separate 220v line, check local codes before installing) one 3/4in. to 4ft. diameter chrome-plated heavy-duty plastic composite adaptor allows the motor and built-in pump to be connected directly from your garden hose to the 4′ diameter concrete pipe needed to connect to pool ( concrete pipe not included, purchase separately from your local plumbing outlet or hardware store ), the clever use of o-rings means no messy welding or soldering needed, and a no-rust stainless steel safety screen to go over 4′ diameter return water port located in bottom of pool, keeps those little tykes from being recirculated through the plumbing system. Plus three highly visible light reflecting stickers that can be applied to your pool walls warning of the danger of swimming alone in high surf, Handy translated (Mandarin to English) construction manual included, illustrated tips takes the guess-work out of those tricky plumbing connections.

Wave Generator Kit $28,150.95 cash, certified check or PayPal accepted. We do not accept credit cards for this product.

Other charges which may include heavy equipment rental, 4′ diameter concrete circulating pipe, contractor bribes, inspectors bribes, additional insurance premiums, o-rings, nuisance fence construction, security, and additional water bills are the sole responsibility of the purchaser. All parts except Briggs and Stratton motor made in China. Please allow 3 years for delivery.

Accessories available include: Inline water heater, sp40 sunscreen, Olympic rated inflatable water wings, lava rocks to place in bottom of pool to complete the illusion of being dragged over a reef by the rushing waves, safety rescue ring with attached nylon rope in Baywatch red, and owner’s manual with helpful CPR instructions on handy floppy disk for ease of reading on your computer or Palm Pilot.

Note: this is a ‘purchase and use at your own risk product’, the Institute, Its Director or shareholders, hangers-on, relatives and creditors are not responsible for any acts that may result in the death and or maiming of any individuals using this product. This product is sold as is with no claims made by the Institute as to its warranty, safety, usefulness, compliance with local building code regulations or durability. In fact, if I were you I wouldn’t buy this on a bet, unless there is someone you really, really want to get even with, then its perfect.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Feather Count

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This is, as many of you know who watch the Nature channel, a Golden Eagle. They are nature’s answer to the stealth bomber, or Italy’s Ferrari, or TV’s Christina Hendricks. I mention her only because of the similarity of her hair color to the color of the eagle’s feathers while soaring against the bluest of blue skies in the late afternoon sun. This must be how Christina’s hair would look as it caught the sun if she were flying around the cliff face here at the eagle nesting site in one of her tightest-fitting dresses…… but wait, did I just say that out loud, never mind, let’s just acknowledge that this is a Golden eagle and move on.

What many of you don’t know is that feather loss is a common but little known problem for birds of prey, particularly for the larger birds like the Golden eagle. The Eagle Observation Department (EOD) here at The Institute has a serious, but totally unnecessary, project in place where we have taken it upon ourselves to perform a periodic inventory of the overall health of this pair of Golden eagles, which includes a full exact feather count of each bird, if you will. We do this simply as a public service at absolutely no cost to you the taxpayer. Since the Federal government has repeatedly refused to fund our efforts in this endeavor we have had no other choice but to take this on ourselves and self-fund this project. Which is why you occasionally see members of The Institute approaching perfect strangers downtown and asking them for money, or canned goods, or checking the coin slots in public phones for quarters, or even, sadly, standing at corners with our cardboard sign saying “Give me money! I’m counting feathers for the community! Thank you, The Institute.” So far we’re barely making it but as this is a necessary project, we persevere.

Yesterday was one of our inventory days, so we sent a three-man team of scientists, photographers and security to our top-secret Golden eagle nesting site at Watson lake, outside of Bellvue, Colorado, 80512. The eagles were there and seemed eager to get this over with as they had mating to do so they could get the nest up and running for this years hatchlings.

Using our secret collection of eagle controlling hand signs, developed and patented here at The Institute, we were able to get the eagles to fly slowly back and forth as we counted feathers as quickly as we could. This is a much more difficult process than at first appears. As the feathers must be counted manually and in order, such as 8001, 8002, 8004 and so on, for accuracy. It is easy to lose count due to people walking up and asking you what are you doing or shaking your tripod leg. After answering you have to quickly reacquire the bird in your viewfinder and start over before it flies out of range. Add to that having to ask the eagle to fly upside-down so you can count the feathers on its back and you begin to get the picture of how difficult this process is.

This is why we have security on site as we inventory. Our crack security officer can keep the most persistent of onlookers at bay by slapping at their knees repeatedly with his attack dog’s leash. They howl and complain that they don’t have full access to events happening on public land but sacrifices often have to be made in the advance of science.  Besides they always want to look through your viewfinder and talk to you about how they once saw a bird that looked a lot like an eagle, and sometimes about their Aunt who suddenly and for no reason took off all her clothes and jumped laughing into the lake, scaring the Canada geese all to hell. We’re busy here people, we don’t have time for idle chit-chat.

It was a long, long day but we finally finished and everyone was relieved including the eagles that we had gotten through another one of these trying but totally unnecessary procedures. We made plans to meet back here again in a month to repeat our efforts and everyone was good with that, except the female eagle who had taken to pulling some of her tertiary feathers out and was threatening to start on her primaries when we made a joint decision to reschedule in six weeks instead. This seemed to placate her somewhat. Some of us remembered that expecting females were often difficult to manage during this time, so allowances were made.

Our tallies were much closer this time than during previous attempts. Our scientist came in with a count of 114,651 feathers for the male eagle, the photographer counted close to 3000, and our security person had a count of 9, but as he was quite busy with crowd control we understood the discrepancy. So added together and averaged that gave us a count of 39,200 feathers for the male. The females’ numbers were tossed after she started pulling out her primaries during the fourth or fifth hour of counting. We are deciding if we are going to keep her involved as one the test subjects or not, we may not, at least until after the chicks are born. She should be in a much more manageable state by then. And besides due to weight gain before she lays those eggs she’ll probably pop a few feathers anyway, but that’s a subject for another study.

In the meantime we’ll continue monitoring the site and observe whatever behavioral changes we see. If this is a study you can support we encourage you to send donations of many dollars, especially large denominations, if you can, to The Institute so we can continue our valuable work. We’re particularly looking for those supporters that don’t pay much attention to details and results but like to be known for supporting wildlife causes no matter what the reason. Remember, the more you give, the better you look. And looking good is great!