Christmas Top Ten Gift Selection # 9 The Wave Generator

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Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own “Wave” Generator

Our next Christmas gift selection is for the water lover on your list. Does your gift-ee love the water? Does he keep a surfboard on the top of his Hyundai year round? If he has shown up at your last get together wearing surfing shorts, his speech peppered with phrases like “hang 5” and “Gnarly, Dude” then this is the perfect gift for him and or her.

That’s right, it’s a Wave Generator! Another *The Institute Exclusive, this compact little one size fits all unit, is perfect for the backyard pool. It will turn the tamest backyard swimming hole into a raging category 5 tempest with the click of a button on the handy remote (batteries sold separately). Waves up to 70′ are easily produced by the powerful ½ h.p. Briggs and Stratton tri-fuel motor. Swim in the gentlest of currents or crank it up to the Tsunami setting and watch your neighbors scurry for cover. (Surfer, Boogie board and rope Not Included)

Whether they have a salt-water in ground pool complete with imitation lava flows or the Heritage Oval 33′ x 18′ x 52″ deep Platinum Above ground Pool available from your local Big Box store, they can enjoy the realistic pounding surf of a Hawaii vacation produced by this delightful add-on to their pool environment. For those unlucky souls who may live in a colder clime we offer the optional inline heater to bring the water temperature up to a tropical 104° the maximum allowed, so they can enjoy their pools year round. This is the gift that keeps on giving year after year.

Wave Generator Kit includes handy 4 color rigid cardboard storage box, a powerful ½ h.p Briggs and Stratton, UL approved, tri-fuel motor, runs on kerosene, whale oil, or handy natural gas. (On/Off LED indicator, ‘bright red means it’s wave ready’, powered by separate 220v line, check local codes before installing) one 3/4in. to 4ft. diameter chrome-plated heavy-duty plastic composite adaptor allows the motor and built-in pump to be connected directly from your garden hose to the 4′ diameter concrete pipe needed to connect to pool ( concrete pipe not included, purchase separately from your local plumbing outlet or hardware store ), the clever use of o-rings means no messy welding or soldering needed, and a no-rust stainless steel safety screen to go over 4′ diameter return water port located in bottom of pool, keeps those little tykes from being recirculated through the plumbing system. Plus three highly visible light reflecting stickers that can be applied to your pool walls warning of the danger of swimming alone in high surf, Handy translated (Mandarin to English) construction manual included, illustrated tips takes the guess-work out of those tricky plumbing connections.

Wave Generator Kit $28,150.95 cash, certified check or PayPal accepted. We do not accept credit cards for this product.

Other charges which may include heavy equipment rental, 4′ diameter concrete circulating pipe, contractor bribes, inspectors bribes, additional insurance premiums, o-rings, nuisance fence construction, security, and additional water bills are the sole responsibility of the purchaser. All parts except Briggs and Stratton motor made in China. Please allow 3 years for delivery.

Accessories available include: Inline water heater, sp40 sunscreen, Olympic rated inflatable water wings, lava rocks to place in bottom of pool to complete the illusion of being dragged over a reef by the rushing waves, safety rescue ring with attached nylon rope in Baywatch red, and owner’s manual with helpful CPR instructions on handy floppy disk for ease of reading on your computer or Palm Pilot.

Note: this is a ‘purchase and use at your own risk product’, the Institute, Its Director or shareholders, hangers-on, relatives and creditors are not responsible for any acts that may result in the death and or maiming of any individuals using this product. This product is sold as is with no claims made by the Institute as to its warranty, safety, usefulness, compliance with local building code regulations or durability. In fact, if I were you I wouldn’t buy this on a bet, unless there is someone you really, really want to get even with, then its perfect.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Finalizing Our Report

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Over the last few days we have been sharing items from our semi-annual inspection report of Yellowstone National Park. Every year we have made the arduous journey from The Institute compound, I mean campus, to our favorite national park to provide the public at large a comprehensive overview of the conditions and state of the various park elements. This year was no different. We worked hard to cover every line item on our report, no matter how small or large it appeared to be, we were up at the crack of noon, trudging into the park with all of gear, sometimes doing with only three or four cups of tea and a huge but hearty breakfast, to get everything done that we needed to do that day.

As noted in our opening post the park passed its inspection with flying colors, but as in every year we have produced this report, the park has been noticeably different each year. Some years, it is the year of the wolf, where you find yourself tripping over them as they scramble to be included in every picture. Some years It is the year of the bison where they deliberately have calves in plain sight, right in front of you, even though the park is rated G. Other years it is the year of the bear, that was this year with the bears so plentiful, some were being excluded from the many pictures taken because they weren’t deemed attractive enough by the more discerning viewer, who wanted only the most photogenic bears in their view finders. I know that seems unfair, but life is unfair, and often unkind.

This year the overall atmosphere of the park was, the year it rained forever. It rained everyday, sometimes three or four times at once. It was hard on our equipment, hard on our interns who had to sleep under the Mothership due to them smelling like the dumpster out behind our favorite Italian restaurant, hard on our ability to stay focused and get our work done. Hard to figure out a way of presenting this in a way that would engender sympathy for us doing a job that most folks would kill for, and whining about a little rain. Well quite a bit of rain actually, but even so.

But in many ways it was amazing. The weather in the park although volatile, is usually incredible. Bright blue skies, huge towering clouds, intense colors, incredible blooms of flowers everywhere you looked, everything approaching perfect nearly all the time. It was a  welcome change to see the park under different conditions. To see magnificent storms blow up in moments and have rain so heavy you couldn’t make out the buffalo herd standing twenty-five yards out in the meadows. Normally placid rivers became raging torrents of water, filling their banks, turning small waterfalls into Niagara’s, then just as suddenly stopping, leaving only the sound of raindrops falling from the trees. Places where the mist and fog changed into some kind of fairyland where sound was muffled and huge pine trees would suddenly loom out of the mist as you walked through the woods. It was different but magnificent.

It seems there is change in the park, but then that’s not surprising, seeing as how there is change in the world every where we look. The image above, taken along the Firehole  river as you traveled south towards Old Faithful, represents the endless changes in the conditions at the park this year. It is just clearing after a major downpour that had everyone pulling off the road as the windshield wipers couldn’t handle the amount of water falling. The sun is trying it hardest to break through the clouds, unsuccessfully this time, but long enough to get some of that late afternoon light to shine down on the herd as it grazed. The stark trees in the foreground add a melancholy look to the image but they are just symbols of the change happening every day here in the park. Tomorrow they’ll be gone but will be replaced by saplings that are sprouting around their roots. So will some of these buffalo grazing peacefully. Wolves, impossible winters, old age, all will take its toll but if you look closely you’ll see the bright orange of this years calves. They’ll be here next time, older, bigger, ready to take their place in the herd, filling in the spots that are vacant.

Although there has been a valiant attempt to show you the many different items on our inspection report we have been able to show you only a few of them. This is primarily due to space and time constraints, and partially due to the inability of The Director who will often start a project like this only to wander away and be found staring at a bug or something. Totally oblivious of his responsibilities as the chief creator of this report. But as in many other projects we have explored here at The Institute somehow it all gets done. You may be saying to yourselves ” Wait just a darn minute here. Does Yellowstone National Park really need to be inspected twice a year. Or are you just doing this because you get off on being up there, having fun, misplacing interns, watching animals, taking pictures, meeting new people, saying ‘Hey!” to those you already know, getting goose bumps while listening to the Lamar wolf pack howl. We want to know.” To that we can only answer “You figure it out, Einstein.”

Note : To those of you tuning in late the following posts will catch you up on preceding events. There is no extra charge for this service, it is included in the cost of admission. We know you don’t want to miss a minute of our fascinating but undocumented report.

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/the-words-out/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/yellowstone-passes-inspection/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/ghosts-in-the-darkness/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/you-dont-see-that-every-day/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/now-are-the-foxes/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/into-each-park-some-rain-must-fall/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/through-the-keyhole/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/reflectivity/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/resolvability/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/terminal-cuteness/

Some Days

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You know it’s going to be one of those days when the first thing that happens when you wake up is you step into the shower and there’s no hot water because the wind blew the pilot light out. It’s too late to go light it because its way down in the basement and you’re already wet, and late besides, so you freeze your cojones off and just tough it out.

Then your tea bag explodes in the microwave and you get a mouthful of tiny, little, gritty, microscopic tea particles that take you an hour to finally spit out and it was your last tea bag, so you wind up trying to strain the tea clean using a day old paper towel that had bacon grease on it. Luckily it was on the top of the stuff in the garbage bag and you didn’t have to root through the egg shells and ramen wrappers to find it. But you persevere because the hot tea raises your core temperature a half degree after your cold shower.

Then the zipper sticks on your jeans and it takes 20 minutes to find the pliers which are laying outside by the truck where you left them when you were trying to get the ball off the trailer hitch, and you almost took a header off the stairs trying to get down to them so you could fix your pants.

And of course you forgot to get milk and there’s only enough in the jug to slightly dampen your cereal and you hate to eat dry cereal but you can’t just throw it out because you don’t waste food and besides you’re really hungry, so you add a little water to the glutinous mess and you look out the window while you’re forcing it down and think of brighter days.

To top it off and bring your morning to its absolute perfect conclusion, the phone rings and it’s the ranger giving you hell because it’s your day to sit on the fence near Old Faithful so the tourists can take pictures and if you’re not there immediately you’ll be reassigned to sitting on the wet rocks up at Lewis falls, where the sun never shines and the cold drizzle mats your feathers together and you never, never get transferred back once you’re sent there. So forgive me if I’m not the picture of the bluebird of happiness today. Thanks for asking.