Tag Archives: ornithology

Spring Portraits

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2016-03-28SpringPortraits2183

March is “When The Bluebirds Get Here” month. So is February. And sometimes April if the weather has been particularly bad, but this year the month is March.

In the past we had to rely on natural migration schedules to get our quotas of Western Bluebirds. They can be in short supply due to their being the most popular of the bluebird species, and they have often been coerced into going to other states by handouts of Bluebird chow, favorable nesting sites and one state who shall remain nameless but their initials are Utah, tried to make it their state bird, thereby gathering some legal advantage of some sort. In the past we have had to offer some of our sister states to the West a premium of two Stellar Jays and a Clark’s Nutcracker to get one Western Bluebird.

As you know The institute has its own Ornithology department with trained and highly intelligent bird guys (and girls) studying birds, bird books, bird seed, bird brains, and lately bird genetics. That’s the big one. That’s the one that is going to put us on the map bird-wise. Genetics is the new thing. It’s like plastic was in the 60’s. Huge.

They found that they can yank the DNA right out of a bird, futz around with it, and stuff it back in and make big changes to how a bird works. Our problem had been that bluebirds don’t like the cold so as soon as the temp drops much below 60 degrees they haul their little feathered keesters south for the winter. That’s the problem. While they’re down there they can be swayed by any one of those unscrupulous Orno guys from other states and we lose our stock of bluebirds.

The problem was birds head south, then we lose them. Solution, and this is where genius comes into play, is we took that bluebird DNA and added a whole bunch of genetic stuff to it before we repacked it back into the bluebirds. For instance we added the anti-freeze gene to it so now our bluebirds are good down to about -126 degrees, we added a fixed route from anywhere South directly to The Institutes front door to their GPS gene, we added the Horsepucky detector gene so that they can tell when they’re being conned by those guys from Utah, and lastly we added an extra amount of Bluebird blue to their blue color gene so we now have the brightest Western bluebirds in the northern hemisphere.

Their was one more big change we are experimenting with and this is the first spring to see how our experiment worked out. We added an extra gene to the Anti-freeze gene to make a small number of bluebirds hibernational. Hibernational is a term we just made up here in our Ornithology department that means these particular bluebirds can lower their body temperatures down to the approximate temperature of one of those Big Gulp Slurpee’s you get at 7-11 and then be buried in neat rows in the snow over the winter to be ready to emerge at the first sign of Spring.

When the snow melts as it does every spring the snow bound bluebirds slowly awaken as they respond to the sun’s rays on their little beaks, and they pop up through the snow like Pasque flowers and start hanging around, getting an early start on Spring. It gives them at least a two-week head start on those Utah bluebirds so they are already hooked up with a bluebird chick, found a good nesting box, etc. and our supply of Western Bluebirds is guaranteed. Their GPS gene tells them they’re already here so they don’t take off and go cruising somewhere else so we got them locked. Our own inbred species of Western Bluebirds. Neat Right? Science is really cool.

We are photographing each of our newly altered bluebirds and tattooing an ID number on the underside of their tongues so that we can better keep track of them. Here is the first reconstituted Western Bluebird to emerge from its snow bunker. He seems in fine shape. We’ll let you know how he does in the reproduction department as the data come in. So far it looks great.

The Hairy Igloo Bird

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Ouzel3600click to enlarge

This is one of the classic mysteries of Nature. The Ouzel or Water Dipper is an evolutionary marvel. Thousands of years ago, maybe eight or maybe ninety, the jury’s still out on that one, these amazing birds were a native of the Great White North. To pick up their story we turn to our own *The Institutes’ resident birdologist, Dr. Lem Beakston, as he describes how this fascinating creature evolved.

He begins “Well in the beginning these weren’t the cute little birds they are today, oh no, they was roughly the size of a Yak and lived mostly in the snow, eh, and they didn’t do much flying around then neither because their wings weighed like two hunnert pounds each and was pretty heavy. They could jump some but not high as they was way too big, but it sure was noisy when they landed,” he chortled. At this point we pause in our story to let Dr. Beakston recover from his snorting fit. When he thinks something is funny, whether it is or not, these attacks can sometimes last for hours.

He finally continued “As it got colder there in the Great White North, like down to minus two million degrees sometimes, they had to save themselves from freezing because way too many of them was turning into great big Yak-cycles and stuntin’ their evolution. They was phasing their own selves out which as we all know is a dead-end evolution-wise. Now as they all was too big and tired from jumping all the time and they didn’t have a working brain between all of them except for one bright Dipper that figured if they made a round house out of ice, which they had more of than they needed, it being the ice-age and all, they could go in it and like stand there and not freeze. So they did, and that was the first igloo. They was way ahead of their time, trendsetters like, those dippers and an example to those late-comers the Inuits, who copied their round ice houses because they was freezing right and left too. So there it was you had Yak-cycles and frozen Inuit’s scattered all over the place until you couldn’t hardly walk without stepping on one them except for the ones in the round ice houses ….” We pause again as Dr. Beakston wandered off and was scratching in the dirt for something kind of worm-like. Oh no !. Man, he did not just eat that, did he? We need to break here for a moment while we try and get Dr. Beakston to spit that out.

Actually I was beginning to doubt the facts of Dr. Beakston’s narration and since he wouldn’t spit out what ever that was he ate, I’ll just paraphrase the rest of his explanation so we can on with this whole thing. It turns out, according to Dr. Beakston, that through lots of trial and error they got the whole igloo building thing down but were soon besieged with another problem, global warming. It got hot. It melted their ice houses and made them sweat. What with all the jumping around they did they got smaller and soon the ice was gone and they were the size of chickens. It also got wet, like  water everywhere wet, and they soon found that jumping in the water and catching bugs was a good way to make a living plus for birds they could hold their breath for about a day. They got smaller yet and very soon they were the size they are now, which is like the size of a robin. Maybe a little smaller. But remember that old bugaboo, evolution, well it burned into their DNA the fact that they needed to build round houses, because that is just what they do. So they did. Only now they used moss, and hair and make perfect little round houses to live in, not to keep from freezing, because as soon as it starts to get cold these guys bail and head for warmer places. Well Beakston was mumbling by now and picking at his teeth or I should say his tooth and I didn’t really get all the rest of what he was saying, but I don’t think it mattered by then.

You know the more I listened and thought about what Beakston said the more I think this whole story is a load of bull pucky. I don’t think this goofball has the slightest idea what he’s talking about. I checked up on Wiki-lies and sure enough he’s listed there. They even have his picture with the warning ” Hey! Do not listen to this guy. He is full of it. Walk away from him. Do Not Give Him Money!”  So there may not be much truth in his story except for the fact that these birds are called Ouzels or Water Dippers and they do build beautiful round little houses out of moss that look just like igloos but that’s it. The rest is just a load of crap. I need to look at Beakston’s resume again, he might have faked some of his credentials. I am now beginning to worry about the Institutes reputation.

 Anyway if you come across one of these little round houses built on a bridge abutment like the one above is, and it is very near a stream and you see a small bird dipping in and out of the water you’ll know what it is and you can amaze your friends and loved ones with your knowledge of the great out-of-doors. That’s what the Institute of Regained Knowledge or IRK does, it provides you with a learning experience that you can’t get anywhere else. Meanwhile believe half of what you read but most of what you see and you’ll do just fine.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.