Tag Archives: IRK

Roxanne LaRue

Posted on by

RoxanneLaRue911click to enlarge

Not too long ago we had a visitor here at the Institute. While that itself is not that unusual, we occasionally allow visitors onto the compound, I mean campus, after they pass our screening and background evaluation and they fork up, I mean pay the modest entry fee we impose, it was the visitor herself that was unusual.

She entered the grounds like she owned them and made certain that everyone she met was aware of just how special she was. Some women are like that, they just demand attention at the highest level and while not saying a word the unspoken message here is, if you’re extraordinary lucky I may pay you some slight notice, but don’t count on it. But in the meantime bring me something to eat and make the steak rare. I shall wait here.

One of the indentured servants, I mean staff researchers, made a politically incorrect comment that if she were a person she’d be a stripper and her name would be Roxanne LaRue, which was apparently the name of his high school health and development teacher. Well, as director of the Institute and chief policy maker, I was incensed at the massive insensitivity of his remarks. My immediate reaction was to have the miscreant flayed but in order to try to understand what would make this person say something that judgmental and disrespectful, and to stave off what I was sure was going to be an incredible sexual harassment lawsuit, I asked him as security was applying the restraints, “What would make you say something like that”. His reply was “Look at the way she’s dressed, that beautiful coat, those long elbow length black gloves, the ostrich fans in her luggage, she can’t be anything else.”  Horrified as I was, but thankful for the full news blackout we impose here at the Institute, I thought about the motivation behind his comment. I also made a note to myself to up the protein content slightly at the commissary as the lack of protein has been known to cause people to lose brain cells and appear sluggish and stupid. Seeing that there may have been overriding circumstances that would cause him to make that judgmental and sexist comment regarding womanhood in general, I commuted his flaying and just had his commissary privileges cut to one higher protein meal a day for the next three weeks.

It was fortunate for us that Roxanne, which incredible as it seems was actually her name, chose to be more than understanding about the entire matter and let it drop if we would conduct sexual harassment classes and sensitivity training for our staff. Seeing as how this could save us huge bucks, her suggestion was put into immediate effect. Now every morning at 6:15 our entire staff attends these classes and writes “I will not say rude stuff to women or accuse them of being strippers even if they look like one” 2200 times as reinforcement of attitudes that should be natural in the human male anyway.

As director I feel incredibly fortunate to have dodged this hot potato, the lawsuit, not Roxanne, and breathed a sigh of relief at her understanding and professionalism. Thankfully everything has returned to normal and I’m pleased to note that our income has picked up dramatically now that Roxanne is appearing nightly at the compound’s beer joint, I mean our staff recreation center. In fact reservations are required and we have been able to add a cover charge which goes into our find more strippers kitty, I mean Personnel Development fund.

A side note:  We must state that the name Roxanne LaRue is fictitious and is a stage name created by the performer herself and in no way alludes to, or is in fact a living breathing human who may or may not be a stripper. Any reference to anyone who may resemble this performer or her stage name is entirely coincidental. So don’t get any funny ideas. The lummox who started this entire thing has had his sentence fully commuted and now heads up our entertainment recruitment program. And He gets three high protein meals a day and appears to be noticeably brighter. This just goes to show that we all learn in different ways. Another step forward here at the Institute.

Butterfliticus Blackii

Posted on by

ButterfliticusBlackii1559click to enlarge

Those of you who are long time readers of our blog know by now that we here at IRK are interested in documenting, cataloging and identifying every form of wildlife we come across. This includes but is not limited to, butterflies. Butterflies are a type of insect, which is a part of a higher order of things such as elephants, emus, cantaloupes, and fish which is also known as the Animal Kingdom, so it falls under our auspices as allowable research. We don’t care if some know-it-all has already identified it and put their smarty-pants opinion out there as if he and/or she knows all about it and feels qualified to do so. We have even heard that there is a complete field of knowledge already in existence about butterflies. We don’t care. It has always been our creed to live and let live unless of course, they take an exception to what we know is absolutely the truth. Or perhaps more clearly what we think is the truth. Or even what we’ll accept as the truth whether we have any idea if it is or not. We’re flexible here. We have deadlines. Sometimes it’s just easier to go with it.

This butterfly, and I use the term with full confidence, was photographed in the Institutes wildlife garden which is part of our wildlife park, a gorgeous 8000 acre pristine wilderness unsullied by any kind of modern improvements, and conveniently located right outside our door. What luck, you may say, but no, we planned it. What the luck was, was that we were able to locate the Institute’s camera and get it turned on and ready to shoot before the miserable little creature decided to fly off. They do that. They take off just when you ready to shoot them and you’re left standing there holding the camera and looking like a dummy. That’s why we occasionally put super glue on some of the nicer looking flowers as it aids in keeping the insect there long enough so we can complete the photographic process. That’s just a little photographers trick to get pictures that look like something instead of a bunch of empty stems.

Due to the incredible amount of information that flows into our data banks on a daily basis we have developed a state of the art filing system. We have an entire library/pantry/paint storage room that is filled to bursting with things we know about. We’re talking lots of stuff. Our head information retrievel-ist, Edna, who is now in her 90’s but still feeble, is in charge of the whole thing. Unfortunately several months before this article went to press, Edna, bless her soul, left a window open during one of our frequent tornadoes and now we have 3×5 cards and post its scattered all over hell and back and it is a dog’s breakfast in there. It is a Chinese fire drill. You couldn’t find your butt with both hands behind you. Edna is at a loss as to how to deal with it as she spends most of her time napping now, at least we hope she’s napping. Note to self: Check Edna for vital signs.

One of our strong suits here at IRK is we’re nothing if not adaptable. Fortunately we have an intern/researcher/indentured servant who has stepped up and started to bring some kind of order to this problem. As she is one of our more trusted employees and has a background in reading, we know because her living unit is chock full of reading stuff, with People magazine and graphic novels and other techy kind of stuff all over the place, so we felt fully confident in giving her free rein. Unbeknownst to us, but luckily, she had purchased a book of Latin phrases with which she can puzzle out enough Latin kind of stuff to help us rename some of our creatures whose post it or 3×5 card was lost or maybe fell behind the compressor, we don’t know. Renaming this butterfly in time for the publishing deadline put a lot of pressure on Tonisha but she came through. This is one of her better efforts we believe, and we’re quite proud of our Latin-ist now and are considering her as a possible replacement for Edna should she be lacking in vital signs.

Butterfliticus Blackii has now been permanently added to our data base as we have since added a huge whiteboard and a lifetime supply of erasable pens so that nothing can happen to our priceless data or information as we call it here, in the future. Everyone on staff feels much better about the improvements. We have had to caution Tonisha about wearing those big hairy sweaters and rubbing up against the whiteboard. We don’t understand at this point why she needs to rub up against everything but I’m sure it will work out in the future. Butterfliticus Blackii, write it down, you’ll be hearing it again. Oh, and as near as we can figure out it means black butterfly with yellow stuff on its wings, Cool huh?

Cool Solutions

Posted on by

BeatHeat-0146

click to enlarge

There have been reports trickling into the Institute regarding heat and excessive amounts of it appearing over much of the continental US and affecting our naturally born citizens by causing them to feel hot. To many this is an uncomfortable feeling. The general question on everyone’s mind is ‘Why isn’t somebody doing something about this? The second question is ‘How come nobody’s doing anything about this?’ The third question is ‘Damn it I pay taxes, Why am I hot? Well, where IS the relief? Who IS doing anything about it? These are questions just begging for answers. Where are our elected officials now I ask you when there’s hot topics afoot. They’re in their air-conditioned lounges deep in the bowels of the earth under the house of Representatives building at a cool 64 degrees watching skiing movies and drinking mimosa’s with those little umbrellas in them, that’s where.

Feeling let down by those in charge? Looking for answers in all the wrong places? Well unlike some governments we could name we’re here to help. That’s right the folks at the Institute have stepped up and assumed responsibility for bringing you, our readers, some much-needed help and advice to solve this problem and bring you that needed relief. Many of you were unaware that the Institute for Regained Knowledge, or IRK, has a department full of heavy thinkers. They’re not only large, they think a lot. They’re known locally only as “The Thinkers” and work in our ‘Think Tank’, not to be confused with our ‘Drunk Tank’ located just down the hall, preferring to shy away from the lime light and remain anonymous. They do this because in case any of this BullPucky they spout backfires on them and gets them in jail, I mean, they get their accolades from doing their best to come up with original ideas and provide service to the community.

They have identified the problem by breaking it down, analyzing it and providing a working solution that anyone could implement in the safety of their own homes using the barest minimum of expensive equipment which luckily is available here at IRK for a modestly inflated price payable only by cashiers check or cash, we don’t take checks or credit cards and sent to you without a return address.

Here it is then. The Problem: Heat is hot. This makes you sweat and others to stand up wind from you. It can also cause you to collapse in a heap making you an obstacle and an impediment to traffic. Analysis of Problem: Reduce heat’s effect on the individual. Possible solutions: Lock them in large cold storage containers. Impractical, hard to trick more than a few of them when they see what’s going on. They scatter and become hard to catch. Everyone gets issued those suits that deep-sea divers wear that circulate water through the suit to heat or cool the individual. Impractical. Hoses needed to run suits restrict ones ability to commute. Productivity would suffer, markets would crash, hoses produce tripping hazard. Also could not tell friend from foe as everyone looks alike.

Then one of our most genius of big thinkers came up with a scientifically based solution that is so simple you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it your self, you big dummy. Heat is a function of height. The lower you are the hotter it is. If you’re really short you’re going to be a lot hotter than say, Wilt the Stilt will be. He’s like nine feet tall. If you look at a map you will see that every place that is red is hot and every place that is blue is cold. Mountains which have a lot more height than plains are blue so they’re colder. An example of a mountain top is shown above in case you are unfamiliar with them. These happen to be in Rocky Mountain National Park but they can be found in other places also. So reasoning would tell you that you should go to the mountain tops and you’d be cooler. Except if you’ve ever looked at a mountain top close-up you’ll notice there’s not a lot of room up there. ( See Image above ) You’re only going to be able to fit like four to six people on each mountain top. That’s not enough. But here’s where the beauty part comes in. Science. Science says you don’t have to go to a mountain top to get cool. You just have to go up. That’s the simple part. Just go up. How, do you say? Airplanes are expensive, balloons are unreliable but there is one sure-fire way to do it. Trampolines. Big fat enormous trampolines. Get your municipalities together and construct dozens of huge trampolines in the outlying areas of your community and gather closely those you can trust to keep the rhythm going and start to jump. Everyone hangs on to everyone else so you can all jump in unison and if the group is large enough you will gain heights you never imagined. Even modest gains in height will produce a cooling effect. Our experts here at the Institute figure that you can obtain enormous cooling benefits with as little as seven to eight hundred feet gain in elevation. More and you’ll need a jacket. The cost analysis breakdown proves conclusively that you can construct a suitable trampoline for much less that it would take to fly everyone to the mountains, rent guides, buy freeze-dried food etc. Think of it. Relief in moments from the wretched heat and even figuring in the travel time up and down on the trampoline you’ll still be reaching that rarefied, cool, clear air in less time than you can make it through security and you won’t have to deal with those fascist, I mean special individuals from the TSA. The ones that have vowed to make your travel experience a truly unique and special time.

There it is then, a simple, clean, non-polluting solution to a grave problem that will have you finding relief as fast as you can say “Wait, let go of me, I don’t think this is a good idea…” and it didn’t cost you a dime. This entire process that has been carried out by the Do-Gooding folks here at the institute is just one more service we provide to our fellow-man. You can thank us when you’re cooler.

Sun Spots

Posted on by

SunSpots9056click to enlarge

The area around the compound, I mean the campus here at IRK, is covered by a legally binding commitment between the Institute and its neighbors. This is a good thing and a bad thing depending on the problem at hand. For instance, if we’re trying to track down some of our indentured servants, I mean staff members, who have managed to get free of their shock collars, I mean left without signing out, and we need to run them down with the dogs, I mean  locate them, that runs a foul of the agreement. And that then, is a bad thing for us as it hampers our tracking ability, I mean it makes our locating them more difficult.

But on the other hand there is a small clause way down near the bottom of the agreement hidden in the legalese that states every day, every single day without fail the sun must shine somewhere on the property for an undetermined period of time. No matter if it’s snowing, or raining  or whatever the excuse is, the sun must shine. This is a good thing. This clause was put in early on by some forward thinking members of the organization who knew that if you didn’t see the sun at least  once a day you would very likely go nuts and wind up killing all or most of your neighbors. So far this little legal device has worked and there have been no fatalities to date. Knock on wood.

That is what you see happening here. It is very nearly sunset and the sun had not shone yet that day. It was a race against time to get it done before the clock ran out. No one knows what would happen if the clause wasn’t met, what the penalty would be or what the repercussions would be although we know they would be terrible indeed, because so far it has never happened. I got to tell you though there were some nail biters on this one. All of the spotters that were out driving the roads looking for some sign that the sun had shown heaved a collective sigh of relief and headed home for dinner secure with the knowledge that another day had passed and all  was well in the neighborhood.

Ambassador from Sirius the Dog Star

Posted on by

Ambassador4677

click to enlarge

We have gotten tons of letters here at the Institute of Regained Knowledge or IRK as it is affectionately called by our many readers who don’t like to read long names, asking “Why don’t you ever post anything about the ‘Power Centers of the Southwest’ and their role in the aid and assistance of intergalactic transport?” Well it’s funny you should ask because we were going to do just that very thing.

It is a little known fact that IRK  with its COWGFLOP ( Checking Out Weird Guys From Other Low-rent Places) scientific research division has long been involved with and assisted in the various programs by the Government and serious civilian organizations that reach out, assist, promote and monitor travel among the different folks in the Galaxy. We have on our staff several researchers that regularly speak to individuals in different star systems not to mention different dimensions who are much more advanced in their mode of travel than we are and are just looking for a fun place to go on their vacation. Mostly its Vegas but occasionally they want to see the sights. We’ve been accused of being little more than an intergalactic travel agency but we refute such accusations with really vehement denials. After all we have to protect our phony baloney jobs somehow, I mean we  conduct serious research here and will not be slandered.

One of our particularly gifted Adepts or ‘far reaching talkers’ as we prefer to call them regularly communicates with the Ambassador from Sirius, the Dog Star, and they have gotten to be quite good friends, having toured the Mall of America and other cool places together.

What you see above is the actual act of the Ambassador from the star Sirius nearly completing his trans-teleportation using one of the countries most top-secret power center locations. Its sort of like an interdimensional bus stop for the galaxies travelers. Unfortunately due to strict regulations and restrictions set up by our government, the one that’s here to help you, we can not legally divulge its name or location. We can tell you however that it is very near, within a few feet actually, of Upper Antelope Canyon which is just outside of Page, Arizona and is open to the public year round for a small nominal fee. Also any attempt to publish or make money off the exploitation of our galactic friends will result in huge fines, jail time and dismemberment, so we’re pretty darn careful not to do that for sure. Since all you can see is the beginning of his tail starting to become visible from the ‘beaming down’ part of the sequence we feel safe in displaying that much of the process. Plus we haven’t used his name which is unpronounceable in our tongue but  sounds a lot like the answer to that riddle when you ask a dog “What does sand paper feel like?” Or “What’s on top of a house?” We can’t get any more specific than that, see rules and penalties above, but we can say that our interpreter says it means “DownBoy”.

As stated previously we normally do not disclose any facts or itinerary’s regarding our travelers for security reasons but this one fact was leaked by person or persons unknown. (See WickiLeaks entry dated July 12th 2013) The Ambassador is here to spend their national holiday ‘Finding the Golden Bone’ by touring the largest Dog Park in the United States, “DogWood” near Jacksonville, Florida. This place is the DisneyWorld and every other major theme park rolled into one for those of the canine persuasion and the only one of its kind in the whole mapped Cosmos. We are very proud of our American entrepreneurial spirit. We can only hope that the Ambassador has an amazing time and brings back many more of his hairy brethren in the future. We Stand To make a Killing if this takes off, I mean we look forward to promoting good fellowship and intergalactic peace in the future for all species-kind. Happy traveling.

Here Lee-Zard Lee-Zard Lee-Zard

Posted on by

Lizard_4715click to enlarge

Many of our hundreds upon hundreds, if not thousands of loyal readers, I lose count, have written in to ask ” Well, What HAS the Institute of Regained Knowledge or ‘IRK’ for short, been up to lately, Mr. Director Guy?” Amazing things, is the short answer, just amazing things. Our biggest success story lately has been in the field of Nuclear Radiation Transuppository Immolation of smaller defenseless species that don’t normally bite when you handle them. It is spear-headed by the renowned reptileologist Dr. Lee Zard, lately of the research lab at the Bubba Johnson Alligator farm and Ladies Accessories Outlet on route 16 and County Road C just outside Beulah, Alabama. One of our earliest projects, seen above, is currently under investigation, I mean being researched for long-term negligible effects by the FDA and is well on its way to becoming infamous, I mean well-known in the scientific world. But more on that in a moment, first a short informational recap for those new readers who have just recently joined us and are unaware of who and what the Institute of Regained Knowledge or ‘IRK’ is.

The Institute was founded by a shadowy, mysterious, but incredibly handsome individual who is disgustingly filthy rich with no visible means of support and wishes to remain anonymous. I can tell you his initials, which are Dwight Lutsey, I mean D L and he is mostly known for his Paleoentropic, uh Philistinal, uh Prolapsic, what the hell is that word that means a guy that gives away money for no good reason when he should be saving it for when he’s homeless and out on the street in the rain living in a cardboard box, oh yeah, Philanthropist, that’s what I mean, and has dedicated his life to bringing the world new scientific knowledge that someone else has done the really hard work of developing and rehashing it so it looks original, I mean presenting it in a form that the normal Wal-Mart shopper can understand. We have a staff of highly trained, well documented people that have lots of letters behind their names and come from prestigious organizations that we couldn’t get into with a new fifty dollar bill. Our areas of research are nearly too many to list and if it weren’t for our ability to con the government, I mean apply for the numerous grants that are available to organizations such as ours, we would have trouble keeping up even with the support of our generous benefactor. The location of the Institute is a closely guarded secret known only to the County Assessment Office and some members of the general Public. This is to keep that group of itinerant researchers and other riff-raff from storming our gates to get in on the action.

But back to the subject at hand. The small reptile pictured above known as ‘Tyrone Lizardopticus’ was originally approximately four inches long, I’m not sure what that is in centimeters, (is that eight feet or nineteen inches, you just can’t tell, I seen grown mathematicians cry when they have to convert that idiot system to the real numbers we use, that’s why the good old system of feet and inches has made America the leader it is today), and kinda scary looking when it would open its mouth, but after treatment from Dr. Zard it is now about the size of a Buick and still growing, (this is the part that got the FDA interested), and it is mean. Really mean. Apparently the treatment, Nuclear Radiation Transuppository Immolation, is painful, even though Dr. Zard says it isn’t. Of course he has never undergone the treatment himself. Couple that with the fact that Reptiles have long memories and never forgive anything, and it makes for a nasty ill-tempered creature totally bent on world destruction.

So far the experiment had been tightly controlled with many safeguards in place and a definite well structured, monitored routine. We would let it, the staff has taken to calling it ‘IT’ out of its cavern to get the sun, feed it live chickens which soon became goats then the occasional Elk and now Dr. Zard tells me we are running out of options food-wise and by the way he has an urgent project starting up in the Sinai and will be leaving soon to head that up. The situation hasn’t become desperate yet but I have made a call to our friends at Cheyenne Mountain to track this thing if it begins to head for Tokyo. I have some of our researchers working on finding out what DefCon 4 means. All I’ve been told by the officials there is to make evacuation plans. With the amount of stuff this thing eats the last thing we need is some kind of evacuation plan. Cleaning up the compound, I mean Campus around the entrance to its cavern has become problematic already, we don’t need to give it any help, evacuation-wise. And this stuff glows. So far we have lost three members of our clean up team, we’re not sure if its radiation sickness or they been got. Storage has been troublesome but luckily the compound, I mean Campus is near a deep ravine called Nevergothere so we can use the Institutes’ D-9 to push it over the edge. Unfortunately the D-9 has begun glowing and the driver won’t go near it. He says his hair is falling out.

Not one to become depressed by life’s little set backs we still have high hopes for the satisfactory conclusion of this project. However we are a little dismayed by the fact that Dr.Zard took all of his notes with him which are the intellectual property of the Institute by the way and now we are unsure of the next feeding step. We have contracted with some of the locals zoos for obtaining their sick and dying elephant population but due to the fact that most of those elephants are disgustingly healthy it does not look promising. But don’t worry, the folks at Cheyenne Mountain have said that there will be plenty of warning for the general public if they have to go “Hot” whatever that means. So stay tuned, film at eleven.

Cloud Alert!

Posted on by

MarbleCyn2538-2549click to enlarge

Warning! Cloud Alert!  Clouds entirely too Low for Public Safety! Huge Shadows complicate vision!

We break into our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important Public Service Announcement (PSA to those in the warning others business). There are cloud patterns forming all over the Southwest that could present dangerous conditions to those caught unaware. Abrupt summertime meteorology cause clouds to form that due to their rapid origination are too heavy to stay high in the sky where they belong. Their weight forces them ever downward until they begin to bang into the higher features in the landscape like Buttes, Promontories, Spires and other tall stuff, causing damage and unsafe conditions. So if you have a Butte make sure to keep it low to the ground and if possible, make sure to cover your Butte for maximum safety. Occasionally this phenomenon will be accompanied by shadows which obscure the landscape causing a deterioration in viewing conditions and moisture of unknown composition to fall onto the ground and anything on it. The obvious danger here is wetness, which can dampen your clothes and cause spotting on your glasses if you wear them.

If these conditions form while you are out viewing scenery, immediately crouch as low to the ground as your waistline will allow and cover your eyes and ears to prevent serious if not harmful damage to your own self and others around you. If you need to return to your vehicle before the conditions change, or you notice the cloud getting closer to you, carefully run backwards staying as low to the ground as possible and taking full advantage of any available cover such as low lying shrubbery or overhanging rocks. Keep calm. In some instances letting out low moaning sounds or saying ‘Ooooooh Mannnnn” quietly under your breath will help you stay focused until you reach safety. Secondary warning: Watch for Snakes. It may be preferable to be caught by a cloud as opposed to being bit by a snake. That is a decision you will have to make depending on prevailing conditions. A factor to consider while making this choice is the current cost of hospital care and the slowness of insurance companies to make payments. This may be complicated further by the high number of uninsured that clog up the emergency rooms while you are trying to be treated for snakebite. A little dampness and the cold clammy feeling of cloud shadow may be  preferable to catastrophic hospital bills. This is always a personal decision. Some people will choose snakebite over dampness because for them money is no object.

We here at the Institute, that of course is the Institute of Regained Knowledge, or IRK, strive to help our fellow man and provide these needed services free of charge so that you and your loved ones can have a safe and happy experience in the out-of-doors. Making you aware of the dangers that lurk outside your very doorways that could ‘Get You’ if you were not completely informed, has been one of the top priorities of our organization. No need to thank us, really, we do this as a public service in the hope that it enriches your lives and in some small unknown way ours too. Please help us help others by passing this message on and informing them that they too could be saved unknown amounts of trouble if they only read and subscribe to our blog.

Remember, Be Safe out there and if this does help or prevent some incredibly huge personal catastrophe you can go ahead and quietly thank IRK, we won’t mind.