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The Dangers Of Hiking Thru The Woods

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2015-09-15HikingDanger-934

As many of you know *The Institute works closely with the Fish and Game departments of the various states here in America and elsewhere, as well as other Government agencies such as the Minerals Management services, the U.S. board of Geological Names, The Government Office of Procurements and Waste Disposal, the NSA, The Office in Charge of Telling People Important Stuff, The Department of Defense, The Office of Watching Movies to Find and Censor the Dirty Parts, The Office of Maritime Hijinks, The FBI, NCIS, The Mod Squad, The Government Office of Officially Forgiving People for Minor Offenses if They Weren’t Too Bad to Begin With, and the National Hikers Advisory Committee to name just a few.

It’s this last one, The National Hikers Advisory Committee, that we have been dealing with mostly these last few months. As you might have heard it can be very dangerous hiking in our National, State and International forests. So we are putting out our annual Hikers Advisory. The image above is a perfect example of some of the dangers the unwary hiker faces in the woods. As you can see there are fallen trees everywhere and they can pose a problem for those who aren’t smart or agile enough to pick up their feet when they’re hiking. Tripping hazards are rampant and there is always the risk of catching a sleeve on one of those sharp-tipped branches sticking out all over the place and ripping that new down jacket. Those puppies are expensive and you could be faced with huge repair bills or the humiliation of repairing them with duct tape which would indicate you can’t afford to get it repaired professionally. Either way it spells loser.

Also the forest is filled completely with trees and they all look alike. It is very easy to look around and get all over dizzy of a sudden and not know where you are. This leads to being lost and that leads to expensive search and rescue missions to find you and by then you are tired and thirsty and all out of sorts. You’ve had the same underwear on for eleven days and you’ve missed Jerry Springer. Todays show was on Lesbian Midgets Who Love Jane Fonda But Cheat with Male Strippers, Then Lie About It, (not that there is anything wrong with Lesbians, even really short ones) and you forgot to set your DVR.

There are birds that will sit and wait for you to enter the forest, then make alluring bird calls so you look up trying to find them and wrap your snoz around one of those trees the woods are full of that we mentioned earlier, and you’ll probably bust your Ray-Bans or get a nasty lump on your forehead. Our friend did that and got a lump on her forehead the size of a toaster. If that happens many times your baseball cap won’t fit anymore and that leaves your head and shoulders completely unprotected from the elements or worse.

There are plenty of dangers like this out in the woods and we have touched on just the most important ones. There’s more that you’ll probably find on your own or they’ll find you, so we won’t bother you with the minor stuff. We just wanted to cover the big ones. Our advice to you regarding hiking in the Woods is just don’t do it. Go to the mall instead, get a hamburger and a supersized jug of pop. Leave the hiking to those who are familiar with the woods and can recognize its dangers, or better yet to the people you don’t like. Send them out on a hiking trip. Tell them it’ll do them good and then make up some excuse why you can’t go along. That’s our advice and we hope you take it to heart. As always we here at The Institute want you to be safe, not sorry. Watch for further bulletins as we work diligently to protect you and yours from the ever-present dangers of the world. Remember, Be Careful out there.

P.S. We forgot ticks. There’s ticks out in those woods and if you think vampires are bad you haven’t been covered in hundreds of ticks just bloating up, sucking up your blood, giggling to each other as they drain you dry. They will get on you even if you haven’t done anything wrong and then bite you. The only way to get them off you is hold a lighted match up their rear ends until they fall off. Of course that is dangerous in this dry climate we’re experiencing. The Forestry department, a division of the USDA hates it when you drop burning ticks all over the forest floor and they will cite you if they find out about it. It’s better to avoid ticks whenever possible. OK then, Just saying.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Tough To Make A Living

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ToughToMake a Living5528Sparrow Colorado winter                                           Click to enlarge

The other morning during our 800th snowstorm of the month I heard the faint rustling of tiny wings. Since it was snowing and I was sitting watching it out of the window of the Audubon bird viewing room here at The Institute headquarters, I was unsure of whether it was a bird’s wing I heard or the muted sounds of snowflakes gently careening into each other as they jockeyed for position to land. My spidey senses were at maximum alert as I have found that there is incredible competition between the snowflakes to land in the most picturesque spot for viewing. After all they only get one shot at it and they want it to be perfect.

My visitors that day were a special field crew from the Audubon Society here to use the facility to make a short documentary on how winter birds cope. They were enjoying the 70 year old cognac and the scent of imported Olive wood mixed with the aromatic Pinyon pine burning in the fireplace. Along with the sensation of sitting on 300 year old leather wingbacks from the Hermitage’s Amber room in St. Petersburg they were completely overcome with the creature comforts offered here at the Institute. Most field assignments lack many of these comforts which are de rigueur at the Institute. After all if you’re going to spend the government’s money you should spend it well. Fortunately several years ago the Hermitage was having a yard sale and we were able to pick up a matched set of twelve of these chairs for a steal. One had a small crack in the leather on the armrest but a piece of duct tape fixed that. We also got a really cool tea samovar that was marked down, but that’s a story for another time.

The birds they were seeing outside in the most perfect pristine winter conditions were some of the same birds featured in the Audubon prints in the original Double Elephant collection of the “Havell Edition”. They hang here in the gallery section of the burled-mahogany library now a part of the Audubon bird viewing room. We are fortunate enough to have six complete sets in our collection. With 475 images in each set we often rotate them to keep the gallery fresh. We had seven sets but found that one of our interns had been using them for placemats when she took lunch here in Audubon room. Eating in the Audubon room is strictly prohibited. She is now assigned to our Syrian office.

I don’t mind extending courtesy to the different groups that ask to visit the Audubon room but I insist on proper decorum and these people were nearly out of control with their whisperings and gasping’s of astonishment and constant fidgeting. I was slowly losing patience and was close to sending them packing when this little sparrow that I had heard fly in earlier began posing as if it knew it would soon be seen in HD on big screens everywhere. Apparently realizing its effect on the viewers standing there spellbound it began flitting from one place to another until it found the most exquisite background available and began feeding on the last of seed heads still above the snow.

Now with everyone so quiet you would have thought this was an IRS audit I could finally hear the soft sounds of the snowflakes neatly sifting together to create the white blanket covering the grounds. The sharp crack of each seed being opened as the sparrow went about its work making certain it didn’t miss one kernel, the sound of its feather edges rubbing together as it fluffed up against the cold, and the faint punctuation of the 18th century grandfather clock out in the hallway as it played the final notes of Schubert’s Ave Maria chimes was a counterpoint to everyone’s concentration and made for the perfect balance of watcher and watchee.

I realized that both the sparrow and I had a tough way to make a living. It had to manage the conditions it worked in and so did I. It had to constantly look good, stay fed and healthy, and make sure it got plenty of screen time. Actually the sparrow and I had more in common than I thought