Tag Archives: Jerry Springer

Announcement ! Christmas Posts 2017

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Announcement !

Beginning December 14 we will be reposting our FAMOUS top ten gifts for the discerning gift giver.

That’s right readers, our famous Top Ten gifts will be brought back starting tomorrow as we have a few of them left over from our original posts back in 2013. Apparently they didn’t have the mass appeal that we thought they might when we first offered them. It turns out we might have misjudged the buying frenzy of America in 2013. Instead of buying mass produced trinkets like Bentley’s, or Lear jets, or Mommy’s Little Crematorium where Gwyneth or Towanda can tasteful dispose of their unalive pets, we thought for sure they’d line up in droves to purchase our offerings. Plus the fact that we only had eight readers that we knew of reading the blog at that time may have  impacted sales. We thought volume would take care of us.

Since the frivolous, but fickle general public couldn’t get their minds past Barbie’s, or things that squeak, discharge fluids and have small swallowable parts that require batteries, not to mention Chia Pets, etc. we’ve had to store these unwanted but still salable gifts. Which of course has required our having to take them out and wash them, count them, (I know even though there were only ten different items we had to count them anyway, there being some kind of government rule about knowing exactly how many gifts of a questionable nature we have on hand in America at any given time), rotate them so they don’t get lumpy or limp on one side, feed any of the still living ones and other problems too dehumanizing to mention, we had to make a decision. So, I talked to the Director of the now historic but defunct organization known as *The Institute and we decided to run them again in what has become a Christmas tradition here. I think we may have missed running them last year due to losing the key to the storage unit, but a tradition none the less.

The Director has informed me that there has been lots of mail winding up on the ground around the mailbox by the front gate and blowing up against the fence at the foot of the mountain where *The Institute was formerly located. In trying to read those that were the least water-logged and stepped on and generally legible he found many, ok a few, alright, actually one, that wanted us to run these specials again. To that person we say “Bully you! Thanks and if we can ask you a personal question do you have like, any funds that you could possibly buy one of our gifts. It’s embarrassing that we haven’t sold any of these incredible items that if you had all the money in the world, you still might buy only one or two. That’s how amazing and different these things are. Even as rich as, well, name any crooked politician, and you could only handle a couple of them.

However think about it! You or a close friend would own one of these special items. You! The Big Dude in the neighborhood! I mean, how freaking crazy is that. You might even make it onto Jerry Springer, course you may also have to tell about that thing where you found out that your Grandmother had Bigfoot’s baby and you married its illegitimate twin, but that’s for you to deal with. We try to stay out other people’s drama.

OK then, Gird your loins! Top ten gift ideas start tomorrow. Start thinking about cashing in those old 401K’s. Pre-address some envelopes. Find Your checkbook. And order while the ordering’s hot. We will have someone standing by at the mailbox to process your orders. Remember, Se habla Espanol and five other foreign languages. And also, NO Returns. No Refunds. No Uncertified checks. Absolutely NO Trying to throw them back over the fence. We don’t even live there anymore. And Remember it feels good to give so give a lot, we can use those Yankee dollars and Euro bucks.

Enjoy our sharing once again the Gift Giving Joy of the season and Happy Holidays. I know, we copped out by saying the Happy Holidays thing instead of saying something more suited to one of the major religions in the world like Merry Christmas because we know they have big, I mean, huge, Christmas spending budgets and there has to be something in this gift selection that a major religion would buy, if not for themselves then for some of the poor around the world. See you at the ordering desk, and remember it’s OK to buy something totally useless once in a while.

*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Never mind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

The Dangers Of Hiking Thru The Woods

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2015-09-15HikingDanger-934

As many of you know *The Institute works closely with the Fish and Game departments of the various states here in America and elsewhere, as well as other Government agencies such as the Minerals Management services, the U.S. board of Geological Names, The Government Office of Procurements and Waste Disposal, the NSA, The Office in Charge of Telling People Important Stuff, The Department of Defense, The Office of Watching Movies to Find and Censor the Dirty Parts, The Office of Maritime Hijinks, The FBI, NCIS, The Mod Squad, The Government Office of Officially Forgiving People for Minor Offenses if They Weren’t Too Bad to Begin With, and the National Hikers Advisory Committee to name just a few.

It’s this last one, The National Hikers Advisory Committee, that we have been dealing with mostly these last few months. As you might have heard it can be very dangerous hiking in our National, State and International forests. So we are putting out our annual Hikers Advisory. The image above is a perfect example of some of the dangers the unwary hiker faces in the woods. As you can see there are fallen trees everywhere and they can pose a problem for those who aren’t smart or agile enough to pick up their feet when they’re hiking. Tripping hazards are rampant and there is always the risk of catching a sleeve on one of those sharp-tipped branches sticking out all over the place and ripping that new down jacket. Those puppies are expensive and you could be faced with huge repair bills or the humiliation of repairing them with duct tape which would indicate you can’t afford to get it repaired professionally. Either way it spells loser.

Also the forest is filled completely with trees and they all look alike. It is very easy to look around and get all over dizzy of a sudden and not know where you are. This leads to being lost and that leads to expensive search and rescue missions to find you and by then you are tired and thirsty and all out of sorts. You’ve had the same underwear on for eleven days and you’ve missed Jerry Springer. Todays show was on Lesbian Midgets Who Love Jane Fonda But Cheat with Male Strippers, Then Lie About It, (not that there is anything wrong with Lesbians, even really short ones) and you forgot to set your DVR.

There are birds that will sit and wait for you to enter the forest, then make alluring bird calls so you look up trying to find them and wrap your snoz around one of those trees the woods are full of that we mentioned earlier, and you’ll probably bust your Ray-Bans or get a nasty lump on your forehead. Our friend did that and got a lump on her forehead the size of a toaster. If that happens many times your baseball cap won’t fit anymore and that leaves your head and shoulders completely unprotected from the elements or worse.

There are plenty of dangers like this out in the woods and we have touched on just the most important ones. There’s more that you’ll probably find on your own or they’ll find you, so we won’t bother you with the minor stuff. We just wanted to cover the big ones. Our advice to you regarding hiking in the Woods is just don’t do it. Go to the mall instead, get a hamburger and a supersized jug of pop. Leave the hiking to those who are familiar with the woods and can recognize its dangers, or better yet to the people you don’t like. Send them out on a hiking trip. Tell them it’ll do them good and then make up some excuse why you can’t go along. That’s our advice and we hope you take it to heart. As always we here at The Institute want you to be safe, not sorry. Watch for further bulletins as we work diligently to protect you and yours from the ever-present dangers of the world. Remember, Be Careful out there.

P.S. We forgot ticks. There’s ticks out in those woods and if you think vampires are bad you haven’t been covered in hundreds of ticks just bloating up, sucking up your blood, giggling to each other as they drain you dry. They will get on you even if you haven’t done anything wrong and then bite you. The only way to get them off you is hold a lighted match up their rear ends until they fall off. Of course that is dangerous in this dry climate we’re experiencing. The Forestry department, a division of the USDA hates it when you drop burning ticks all over the forest floor and they will cite you if they find out about it. It’s better to avoid ticks whenever possible. OK then, Just saying.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.