Tag Archives: Primary Colors

Riverwalk

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First off I have to apologize to Texas. Texas I’m sorry. Seriously. I had never been to Texas before although I had been to eastern New Mexico so I thought, like I hope many others have so that I’m not entirely alone here, that there wasn’t a stitch of color in Texas. At least no primary colors. OK so occasionally you’d see a splash of red next to an armadillo road kill, or possibly that incredible yellow that big-haired Texas women with names like Birdie, Emma Louise and Big Leg Kathy, can get in a fresh perm, but no real color. Man, was I wrong. Sitting in a roadhouse eating the worlds biggest Tex-Mex combination plate one evening I casually mentioned my misbegotten prejudice to one of those self-samed big-haired women. I was told politely but firmly in that way that only big-haired, but beautiful Texas women have, that “Honey, you’d best get yourself on down to San Antonio and take a stroll through the Riverwalk. Then y’all come back and talk to me about color. You go on now.”

Because I had never been there before my only experience of Texas was the occasional movie, like “The Last Picture Show”, or “Tender Mercies”, and that sleeper “The Stars Fell on Henrietta” where all you saw was endless stretches of no color, only a vista filled with a tan that shifted just enough towards grey that you’re stretching it to call it tan. A place where a dust devil gave you some occasional relief because it was a lighter shade of tan that contrasted with the rest of the countryside. But I was misinformed about that too, as the hill country in West Texas has a muted palette that grows on you as you travel down those endless highways. Filled with the paler darker greens of the low-lying mesquite, the more vivid lime green color of the yucca with its creamy ivory and pale yellow flowers as it bloomed along the roadway, hints of red in the stone where the road builders had deeply cut through the hill, it was colorful just different. And as we all know just being different doesn’t make you bad. It might make you a little weird but not bad.

I was headed south down to Brownsville which is the furthest south you can live and still be an American, to spend the Christmas holiday with some VIP’s that winter there. These VIP’s who would like to remain nameless (fat chance) but are really my sister Marcia and her partner Paul who I call my Brother-in-law because it’s easier than calling him “my sister’s partner-in-law” had promised that if I came down for the holidays she would fix me Spaghetti for Christmas day. I did, and she did, and Christmas was splendid. She is after all the world’s greatest spaghetti sauce maker and what better way to spend Christmas than with loved ones stuffing your fat face with Bolognese. Before I got there though I took heed of the advice given me by that gorgeous big-haired woman who told me to stop in San Antonio to see the color of the Paseo del Rio, or the Riverwalk, along the San Antonio river.

Now I could spend hundreds of words describing the Riverwalk, how it’s one story below the streets of the city, how it’s five feet deep, and every other fact that you need to know to be a proper tourist, but as you know, being proper isn’t one of my major priorities. If you need to know that stuff, Google it. They do a much better job than I would in telling you everything you need to know. Besides, I hear those kind of things, that fact stuff, and it’s going in one ear and out the other. I have the attention span of a 3-speed blender when it comes to facts and dates etc., but I never forget a color or a scene or the experience of participating in an amazing event like the Riverwalk.

As this was the night before the night before Christmas they had gone all out decorating the walkways that follow along the river. Lights of every color of the rainbow were strung along the shore with care, Mariachi wandered through the restaurants’ outside eating areas playing, the happy but surprised shouts of those unlucky few who toppled into the river and the resulting laughter of those nearby rang through the night. OK, I made that last part up. Nobody fell in the river although you could if you were determined enough. The tour boats came by every 20 seconds all lit up and filled to the gunnels with happy tourists. There was even a dinner boat that went by and we all got to watch 40 people drip green chili down the front of their clothes. It was by and large simply spectacular, the Riverwalk that is not the diners.

If you are color starved by the lack of them during the winter, or even if you just want to see one of the most amazing sights you can encounter, where you can walk in one end and come out the other gob-smacked, then you need to go to San Antonio and do the Riverwalk. It’s even pretty in the daytime.

The trip was successful. I have many, many images to show you and stories to relate, both fanciful and factual, but they are for a another time. Right now it’s good to be back.

Primary Colors

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Attention Readers: This is a Public Service Announcement !

The following is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The Institute and the Americans for Brighter Colors  or ABC as it is known amongst those who follow weird splinter groups.

As Americans we want the very best for our families, our communities, and our Nation. There is a tendency out there in the hinterland to think that somehow America is failing to live up to its expectations. To be falling into third place or even worse, second place, in many of the areas where we once excelled.

We hear from the media how we are now lagging in academics, and how our young people are going to hell in a hand basket what with tattoos and the piercing of private parts with strange but weird metal stuff. Where once we were first among nations in conspicuous consumption we are now sitting in the back of the Chinese bus. We now no longer have our own horrible diseases and have to import them from formerly third world countries at a high rate of cost so we can at least stay relevant in the disease ridden world. Even our fall colors are at risk of becoming third-rate with some saying they’re  “Lackluster”. Or even “Boring”.

Well we here at The Institute, and the folks at ABC say “Enough!” “Enough of this color shaming! Enough of washed out yellows and reds. Enough of making fun of our pathetic attempts to produce a strong vibrant orange. Enough!” We are a great Nation! We have done many incredible and world shaking things. Didn’t we create sensations like Miley Cyrus? What other country has a young woman making millions of dollars and can’t keep her tongue in her mouth? Or back in April of 1988 we had the song “She Drives Me Crazy” by the Fine Young Cannibals. Now there are much better cannibals in places like Africa and New Guinea and probably the middle-east and ours have faded from the glowing light of stardom here in this country. Or how about our ability to create drinking stuff that can be hand carried out of various vending establishments such as this incredible innovation. “Having been tested in a few outlets, 7-11’s gallon-sized Slurpee’s became available in all locations in 1967”. Now there are places in Poland and the Baltic states where you can buy a 55 gallon drum of greenish Slurpee-like liquid  for pennies on the dollar. They even throw in the small cart needed to wheel this around with. And an industrial strength straw!

We could go on and on listing our supposed failings, we haven’t even touched on things like war, where now there are people much meaner than us creating havoc all over the place. Yes, we’re looking at you ISIS. But enough of that. Let’s get back to the problem at hand. Our Fall colors.

Since there have been aspersions cast and no small amount of ridicule, on our national forests and private collections of arboreal treasures, we, The Institute and our friends at ABC, have decided to take matters into our own hands and turn this problem around. Consequently we have searched high and low and come up with a list of Primary Colors which we are supplying to the nation at large for whatever use they can best put it to.

Here it is.

blue

yellow

green

red

There are also secondary colors that can be applied to ‘Fall colors’. Due to space limitations we are only providing some of the better known and most useful of these helpful colors. They are, in no particular order

Crimson

Ebony

Clear

Neon

and Blue

and orange too.

With this list you can go forth and apply them to the colors you are witnessing right now as we head into the height of the color change period here in the western hemisphere, but primarily America. If all of you make a concentrated effort to apply these primary and some of those other colors listed above to our forests, (you can use the image above for guidance) it won’t be long until we regain our color supremacy and can hold our heads up proudly as our national god-fearing trees begin their color changes. Remember Canada is right across the border and they have trees too. Plenty of them. Let’s make America great again. Do your part.

This color list is available for the small sum of 80.00 dollars. Send a SASE with cash check or money order, or preferably all three to: The Institute, C/O The Director, P.O.Box, The Institute, Colorado, USA

Thank you. We thank you, the trees will thank you, and our nation will thank you. This concludes our Public Service Announcement. Thank you. Really.