Tag Archives: Claymores

A Bit Of Trouble

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Well we don’t know if you know this or not but things aren’t always calm and collected here at *The Institute. Occasionally there are little problems that crop up and get out of hand. We’re not sure if it’s the holidays, or the election, or just things bubbling up inside of people’s lower intestine and getting too much for one to deal with.

There was a commotion down at our Visitors Center a day or two ago and the telegraph line was cut before we could get a handle on what the problem was. We sent a couple of the guys down to check on things and when they saw the smoke they knew that something had hit the fan. We’re up at the top of the mountain which as you know is where the big house and all the main Institute buildings are located, and the Visitors center is down the hill aways by the main gate. This is usually a place of peace and harmony where we check passports, review visitors financials, give any needed medical attention to those who tried to get  over the razor wire, and do the required intrusive strip searches that generally determine who is good and who is bad. We like to think it’s a friendly place where we get to know you better.

We get a lot of visitors, and although we have an open door policy where every creed, religion, sexual preference, skin color, dress style, tattoo style, political belief and any other bizarre behavior you may favor is tolerated, in actual practice it’s not for everybody. It’s kind of selective policy. It’s sort of loosely based on what The Director can stomach. If you fall into any of the objectionable categories, loosely defined by what would gag a normal person’s Hinder, then there’s a darn good chance you’re not making it through the gate. If you’re a bill collector you’re not getting in. We have legal beagles for that down in town, go see them. If you’re a politician, or a politician wannabe, you’re not getting in either. We don’t want your kind here, this is America and we get to say who we like and who we don’t. So it’s Tough, deal with it. And if they did a better job there’s a slim chance they could get in, but of course the morality quiz would still apply to them.

Yes having a policy like ours sometimes leads to issues. The Institute isn’t a democracy, it’s a benevolent dictatorship. Some folks find that uncomfortable but then they weren’t invited in the first place so too bad for them. We’re pretty cheesed off that someone took it upon themselves to complain about our system here at The Institute and did some minor damage down there at the Visitor’s center, but just remember, when you first came in we got your prints and they automatically go into the database, we know who you are. Just so you know, we have taken steps to prevent anything like this happening in the future. We’ve got just one word for you. Claymore’s. That’s right, claymore’s. You won’t find them but they’ll find you. So watch your step.

If you find yourself angry and out of sorts, and feeling like taking it out on those around you, do it to someone else. We’re fed up with it. This is the season of good spirits, fellowship, with love and kindness towards all. Enjoy the holidays.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Wingmen

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Recently The Institute was successful in purchasing Padre Island on the Texas Gulf coast in its entirety for a top-secret project planned for next year. After a long but fruitful negotiation with the Texas state legislature we have assumed ownership of the island and plan to begin demolition of all structures on the island by spring. This as you might imagine has brought a certain amount of unwelcome attention down on us with some of the more raucous objections coming from the various fraternities and sororities that are currently abusing the island.

Although we aren’t going into the full scope of our plans we do intend to remove all access by the public from either the land based side or from the Gulf itself. Beginning tomorrow there will be no further access by vehicles of any type and by the end of next week any vehicles left on the island will be crushed and shredded. We know this will be unpopular but that’s what happens when you have big bucks and can do what you want.

The landward side has been fairly easy to close what with a few Claymores and erecting signs that say “Island closed. Go Away!” The Gulf side has been a little more troublesome what with enterprising college students going way west, jumping into the water, holding their breath, making their way back up to the island and staggering ashore. Many, Most, All of these students have been inebriated and become quite belligerent upon apprehension which is why we keep them in the internment facility we have hastily erected up on the east side of the island. As they sober up and act nice and realize no one hears them, they soon give up and deal with their hangovers, hoping that there will be someone to help them with their extradition papers I mean bail.

Since the island is sizeable we had had to resort to a program similar to the one the US Navy implemented with their Dolphin and whale training, where they trained normally docile friendly dolphins to become trained killers and blow up evil submarines and shrimp boats by carrying high explosives down and attaching them to hulls of those probably commie infiltrators. The Shrimpers weren’t commie infiltrators, in fact you’ve never met a more patriotic bunch, with every single one of them, except for this one guy Cletus that we’re not sure about, ready to give their all to the good old USA. But there was a small problem of teaching the dolphin the difference between an evil submarine and a friendly shrimp boat. Not wanting to make those same mistakes and incur further public wrath we have chosen a different subject for our purposes and it is the familiar fresh and salt water, yellow-headed, totally feathered Pelican. The very one of the fabled, “its beak can hold more than its belly can”, fame.

Since we have to watch the budget on this project, an added benefit has been that these pelicans will work for little to no pay, just all the fish they can eat, plus for every infiltrator they catch they get a free night’s stay at one of the high-rise hotels. Until they’re torn down that is. Above you see TIP-3050, one of our more successful efforts patrolling the shore. TIP standing for, ‘The Institute’s Pelican’. He is flying low watching for the telltale bubbles coming to the surface that these students make as they finally reach the island. When an infiltrator is sighted he, (TIP-3050), immediately sends one of his wingmen, the swift flying gulls surrounding him in perfect formation, to report the sighting at CADS* command and a squad is dispatched to make the pick-up.

We would like to take a moment to dispel one of the more troubling rumors regarding our upcoming project. That is the absurd notion that we are planning to form a new country, New Institutania, and secede from the United States. This is beyond absurdity, and couldn’t be more wrong. So don’t believe it if you hear it more and more, especially if Fox news picks it up and blabs it all over the place. There will be no New Institutania on the island formerly known as Padre. We intend to be a peaceful people.

More on this new project as activities proceed. Stay tuned.

*Catch A Drunk Student