Announcement ! Christmas Posts 2017

Announcement !

Beginning December 14 we will be reposting our FAMOUS top ten gifts for the discerning gift giver.

That’s right readers, our famous Top Ten gifts will be brought back starting tomorrow as we have a few of them left over from our original posts back in 2013. Apparently they didn’t have the mass appeal that we thought they might when we first offered them. It turns out we might have misjudged the buying frenzy of America in 2013. Instead of buying mass produced trinkets like Bentley’s, or Lear jets, or Mommy’s Little Crematorium where Gwyneth or Towanda can tasteful dispose of their unalive pets, we thought for sure they’d line up in droves to purchase our offerings. Plus the fact that we only had eight readers that we knew of reading the blog at that time may have  impacted sales. We thought volume would take care of us.

Since the frivolous, but fickle general public couldn’t get their minds past Barbie’s, or things that squeak, discharge fluids and have small swallowable parts that require batteries, not to mention Chia Pets, etc. we’ve had to store these unwanted but still salable gifts. Which of course has required our having to take them out and wash them, count them, (I know even though there were only ten different items we had to count them anyway, there being some kind of government rule about knowing exactly how many gifts of a questionable nature we have on hand in America at any given time), rotate them so they don’t get lumpy or limp on one side, feed any of the still living ones and other problems too dehumanizing to mention, we had to make a decision. So, I talked to the Director of the now historic but defunct organization known as *The Institute and we decided to run them again in what has become a Christmas tradition here. I think we may have missed running them last year due to losing the key to the storage unit, but a tradition none the less.

The Director has informed me that there has been lots of mail winding up on the ground around the mailbox by the front gate and blowing up against the fence at the foot of the mountain where *The Institute was formerly located. In trying to read those that were the least water-logged and stepped on and generally legible he found many, ok a few, alright, actually one, that wanted us to run these specials again. To that person we say “Bully you! Thanks and if we can ask you a personal question do you have like, any funds that you could possibly buy one of our gifts. It’s embarrassing that we haven’t sold any of these incredible items that if you had all the money in the world, you still might buy only one or two. That’s how amazing and different these things are. Even as rich as, well, name any crooked politician, and you could only handle a couple of them.

However think about it! You or a close friend would own one of these special items. You! The Big Dude in the neighborhood! I mean, how freaking crazy is that. You might even make it onto Jerry Springer, course you may also have to tell about that thing where you found out that your Grandmother had Bigfoot’s baby and you married its illegitimate twin, but that’s for you to deal with. We try to stay out other people’s drama.

OK then, Gird your loins! Top ten gift ideas start tomorrow. Start thinking about cashing in those old 401K’s. Pre-address some envelopes. Find Your checkbook. And order while the ordering’s hot. We will have someone standing by at the mailbox to process your orders. Remember, Se habla Espanol and five other foreign languages. And also, NO Returns. No Refunds. No Uncertified checks. Absolutely NO Trying to throw them back over the fence. We don’t even live there anymore. And Remember it feels good to give so give a lot, we can use those Yankee dollars and Euro bucks.

Enjoy our sharing once again the Gift Giving Joy of the season and Happy Holidays. I know, we copped out by saying the Happy Holidays thing instead of saying something more suited to one of the major religions in the world like Merry Christmas because we know they have big, I mean, huge, Christmas spending budgets and there has to be something in this gift selection that a major religion would buy, if not for themselves then for some of the poor around the world. See you at the ordering desk, and remember it’s OK to buy something totally useless once in a while.

*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Never mind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Brings Back The Past

Sometimes when you are attending an event like an Indian powwow you observe a participant that is so perfectly matched to the event, it is like time travel. Such was the case at the Shoshone/Bannock powwow in Ft. Hall, Idaho. This man so epitomized the spirit of the warriors of old that he seemed to be a conduit between the past and the present. One could easily believe that he was riding out of his camp that morning over a hundred and fifty years ago and rode right into this gathering today to the amazement of both him and ourselves.

He rode in on the tail end of the parade as one of the last members of the procession and as he appeared time seemed to stand still. It was as if he had just stepped through a portal from the past and found himself in the strangest of circumstances. He rode at the crowd brandishing his lance. He yelled in his native language, he chanted, he swung his horse around in circles lest anyone try to sneak up behind him. And people believing that they were seeing someone unbound from modern conventions scrambled out of his way. His actions appeared to be those of a mid-1860’s warrior rather than someone participating in a parade at a modern-day powwow.

It was a spectacular presentation of a person completely in touch with his history, his culture and the spirit of the event. It was as if he were chosen to be the one that Brings Back The Past.

Fights Not The Sun

Up on the Wind River Reservation where the Shoshone Arapaho hold their summer Powwow at the end of June the sun burns bright in the afternoon sky. The dancing has been going on for hours and it is nearing the time where dinner is calling. The bleachers around the arbor are full with dancers catching their breath and enjoying a much desired rest and break before the evening dancing and festivities begin again.

The sun being down near the horizon has a few moments to shine in on the people at the far end of the eastern seats dazzling those seated there with its magnificent power. It is still hot and direct and blazing in that last bit of glory before ending this day.  It seems to want to challenge those resting to one last battle before sliding down behind the mountains, calling it an end to this days sunshine.

Those at rest know that this last battle will be short-lived, so it is better to yield this last challenge to the sun and simply accept the loving warmth it provides as soon twilight will be here closing down the day with its soothing blues and purples and final darkness.

This elder has faced this challenge before and knows there is no shame in submitting. This small defeat is welcome. Tomorrow is another day.

Looking To The Past Living In The Present

Dancing at the powwows is one of the most important parts of the event. It is a time for addressing the spiritual needs of the dancers, displaying the regalia that is most significant to them and for pure enjoyment in participating in their culture.

Painting one’s face had great cultural significance and has deep meaning depending on which aspect of the culture the wearer wants to honor or display. It ranged from the simplest single stripe to several different colors each representing a different meaning and is one of the most important ways of stating their individuality.

This image of Raul Figueroa was made at the New Beginnings powwow held in Denver, Colorado in early May 2016. It is part of an ongoing project titled “Modern Portraits of North American Indians”, and is a celebration of the continuance of the Native American culture as it is being presented at this time in our society.

What’s The Worst That Can Happen

Yellowstone National Park

“Come On let’s do it.”

“Leave me alone Earl.”

“Come on boo, it’ll be cool.”

“No, You always do this. And I catch it big time because I listened to you. No, not after last time.”

“Come on… She’ll have forgotten all about that, it was days ago.”

“Yeah right she doesn’t forget anything.”

“What about that time she left us up in the tree all night. She forgot which one she sent us up.”

“She didn’t forget you doofus. Old Split Tooth was coming around. If you remember, you still got the marks on your butt where he tried to catch you. You were squealing pretty good if I remember right. He fell asleep right at the foot of the tree all night. Mama had a cow until he left.”

“Well that was a little serious. She won’t remember this because it’s small stuff. Mama don’t sweat the small stuff.”

“Just like she didn’t sweat the small stuff when you thought it would be funny to see how many nipples you could get in your mouth at one time. She carried you around by the scruff of your neck for two whole days. The skin on your neck is just now looking normal.”

“That was then this is now. I was younger and slower then. Let’s do it it’ll be fun. You bite her on that spot by her tail that she licks all the time and I’ll jump on her face and hold my paws over her eyes. She won’t even know it was us I bet. Then we’ll hide behind this log. Get ready and bite her. Come on, what’s the worst that can happen.”

We Need To Talk

Does this picture make my ears look big? Click to see more

Listen we need to talk. It’s about this clock thing, the setting it back an hour that you guys do every year when it starts to get cold. I know I’ve heard some humans talking about it as they walk by. How it makes it dark at 3:30 in the afternoon and it’s still dark when you get up in the morning. It really causes us a problem. See it doesn’t matter to us what your clock says. We get up when it’s light and we go to bed when its dark. It’s an agrarian thing. Unless of course we ‘ve been eaten by something during the night, then all bets are off.

I’ve got kids, three of them. Solenoid, Nodule and Edna, the triplets. Yeah I know, I was lucky, but even so that’s the last time I’m going out with that smooth talking buck from Loveland. The point is though, they’re all just one year old and don’t have the brains god gave a toaster, but they’re good kids. The problem is now that it’s night way early for you folks, you’re driving in the dark earlier, the visibility is dorked, and my goofy half-witted kids are standing on the side of the road, in the road, in the ditch ready to dart out whenever a synapse fires in their tiny little brains and you’re tooling along thinking about dinner or whatever and there’s my little ones in your lights.

Yes, the obvious answer is “Hey! don’t stand in the road.” There is an answer for that and it’s a function of what makes us Mule deer. We’re prey animals. We exist to feed other animals up the food chain. Cougars, they’re the really mean ones, Wolves, not too big a problem unless you live in Yellowstone, Wild dogs, a problem anywhere, and unfortunately you guys. Yes I know, you don’t start home with the idea of hunting and killing us, or even hitting us for that matter. Many of you don’t want to, just because of issues with your insurance companies. But because we are prey animals the safest places at night or the edge of it, dusk, are open spaces like meadows, those flat grassy places behind high schools with all the white lines on them, yards, yards are nice, and the open areas along the roads you guys use to get where you’re going. Shoulders, verges, bar ditches, medians, berms, especially at night, that’s when the creepy things are out to get us so it’s safer to be somewhere where we can see for along way.

I’ve been asked “Why then, do you run into the path of the oncoming traffic, I know you said your kids are dumb, but wouldn’t it be better instead to race back into the shadows of the forest, eh?”. Therein lies the very answer to that question. The forest isn’t safe at night. Safe from you maybe but not from the dark evil things that like to eat us. Some of you have also driven into the forest with what I believe has been the express notion of getting us, and if all those trees hadn’t stopped you, you would have. I don’t why you do that. The end result is still a broken vehicle and the same insurance issues, but you’re the smart ones, so we have to defer to your ultimate wisdom.

My little ones had a near death experience the other night by running out in front of this 18 wheeler. Luckily the driver was able to lock it up and not hit them. I asked them why they did that and their answer was, “the other side of the road was the only thing they could see in all that bright light so they went for it.” We don’t have the ability or the spatial recognition to judge the relative speed of an oncoming vehicle, especially in the dark, so our threat assessment is all screwed up and we become 100 lbs. of ground round before we can get out-of-the-way.

What’s the answer? Simple. Kill all the cougars, wolves, bears, and wild dogs so we can stay back in the woods. That would be cool. If that doesn’t work for you, slow down. Watch for those deer on highway signs. Did you know they were put there because a deer was killed there. We’re creatures of habit. One of us getting taken out doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been using that crossing since before a road was there.

Yes I’ll talk to the kids again. Nodule shows some promise, but the juries still out on Solenoid and Edna, so I don’t hold out much hope. But I will try. Meanwhile put yourself in my place. Cougars and wolves on one side. 3000 lb. unyielding metal monsters that wouldn’t recognize a Mule deer if it slammed through their radiators. Give us a break please. Seeya in the Spring when they put the clocks back to normal. If we make it. Ciao