Beginning December 14 we will be reposting our FAMOUS top ten gifts for the discerning gift giver.
That’s right readers, our famous Top Ten gifts will be brought back starting tomorrow as we have a few of them left over from our original posts back in 2013. Apparently they didn’t have the mass appeal that we thought they might when we first offered them. It turns out we might have misjudged the buying frenzy of America in 2013. Instead of buying mass produced trinkets like Bentley’s, or Lear jets, or Mommy’s Little Crematorium where Gwyneth or Towanda can tasteful dispose of their unalive pets, we thought for sure they’d line up in droves to purchase our offerings. Plus the fact that we only had eight readers that we knew of reading the blog at that time may have impacted sales. We thought volume would take care of us.
Since the frivolous, but fickle general public couldn’t get their minds past Barbie’s, or things that squeak, discharge fluids and have small swallowable parts that require batteries, not to mention Chia Pets, etc. we’ve had to store these unwanted but still salable gifts. Which of course has required our having to take them out and wash them, count them, (I know even though there were only ten different items we had to count them anyway, there being some kind of government rule about knowing exactly how many gifts of a questionable nature we have on hand in America at any given time), rotate them so they don’t get lumpy or limp on one side, feed any of the still living ones and other problems too dehumanizing to mention, we had to make a decision. So, I talked to the Director of the now historic but defunct organization known as *The Institute and we decided to run them again in what has become a Christmas tradition here. I think we may have missed running them last year due to losing the key to the storage unit, but a tradition none the less.
The Director has informed me that there has been lots of mail winding up on the ground around the mailbox by the front gate and blowing up against the fence at the foot of the mountain where *The Institute was formerly located. In trying to read those that were the least water-logged and stepped on and generally legible he found many, ok a few, alright, actually one, that wanted us to run these specials again. To that person we say “Bully you! Thanks and if we can ask you a personal question do you have like, any funds that you could possibly buy one of our gifts. It’s embarrassing that we haven’t sold any of these incredible items that if you had all the money in the world, you still might buy only one or two. That’s how amazing and different these things are. Even as rich as, well, name any crooked politician, and you could only handle a couple of them.
However think about it! You or a close friend would own one of these special items. You! The Big Dude in the neighborhood! I mean, how freaking crazy is that. You might even make it onto Jerry Springer, course you may also have to tell about that thing where you found out that your Grandmother had Bigfoot’s baby and you married its illegitimate twin, but that’s for you to deal with. We try to stay out other people’s drama.
OK then, Gird your loins! Top ten gift ideas start tomorrow. Start thinking about cashing in those old 401K’s. Pre-address some envelopes. Find Your checkbook. And order while the ordering’s hot. We will have someone standing by at the mailbox to process your orders. Remember, Se habla Espanol and five other foreign languages. And also, NO Returns. No Refunds. No Uncertified checks. Absolutely NO Trying to throw them back over the fence. We don’t even live there anymore. And Remember it feels good to give so give a lot, we can use those Yankee dollars and Euro bucks.
Enjoy our sharing once again the Gift Giving Joy of the season and Happy Holidays. I know, we copped out by saying the Happy Holidays thing instead of saying something more suited to one of the major religions in the world like Merry Christmas because we know they have big, I mean, huge, Christmas spending budgets and there has to be something in this gift selection that a major religion would buy, if not for themselves then for some of the poor around the world. See you at the ordering desk, and remember it’s OK to buy something totally useless once in a while.
*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Never mind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.