Looking For Mr GoodGrouse

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Apparently there has been a tipping  of the scales up in Yellowstone as far as the ratio of female grouse relative to male grouse. The cause of this is so far unknown but the effects are not. Back in the swinging sixties and surreal seventies there were like 27 male grouse to every female grouse and the ladies had their pick of the littler, or the flock as it were. Now the situation has reversed itself and the ratio has swung heavily to the right. And in the mating game it seems like every female is out looking for Mr. GoodGrouse.

Unfortunately this leads to a situation where the females of the species tend to take more and more risks to find a mate. They begin frequenting seedier and seedier nightspots looking for that one chance to find happiness and a future that leads to eggs and chicks and a warm stable nest to raise them in. The tawdrier the bar the lower the chances are of finding a good strong mate that knows where the best seed places are and has a willingness to stay close to the nest to provide the protection the family needs. But desperation overrules caution and common sense and poor decisions are made.

This young female grouse, Ms. Terry Done Flutterfoot has just left a very rough seedmill called The Cracked Shell that makes even the dating section on Craigslist look safe, where she met an unsavory character named Stoney the Nair Wingdrop. Stoney has a bad rep around a place where bad reps are as common as implants at an Adult Film starlets’ sleepover. He has promised to show her a place in the brush nearby where the nest sites are plentiful and the seeds last way into late March. What she doesn’t know and will probably never realize is that Stoney has an arrangement with several of the human bird hunters that lurk around the edges of this rough countryside and for a 10 lb. bag of wild bird seed will deliver a fresh young grouse where the hunters dogs will soon flush her out into the open and at the mercy of their double-barreled 20 gauge shotguns.

What you see above is where Terry suddenly realizes that not only has she not been told the truth, she has been put in grave mortal danger. Her disappointment at being misled is just dawning on her as she hears for the first time the sound of dogs bursting through the brush intent on locating her. She recognizes her betrayal but believes her flight will save her. She is unprepared for the sound of the shotgun as she clears the tops of the sage and mountain mahogany.

This is a sad tale to be sure, but all too true as it points out the risks of looking for love in all the wrong places.

Road Trip

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Every once in a while we take a chance here at The Institute and do something really nice for our employees. This year we shut The Institute down completely for the entire holiday season, banked the fires, put the computers in standby, turned off the electricity to the fence, turned our livestock loose to fend for themselves, gave all of our interns a bus ticket to the last place they remember being from and The Institute went into hibernation until the New Year’s bells rang.

Now we are ramping up again. Everyone is slowly trickling back from where ever they spent the holidays. Just yesterday the bright, shiny, baby blue bus that the Sheriff’s department uses to transport prisoners hither and yon, hither being County road 56G where they cheerfully spread blacktop for the entire fortnight of the holidays, and yon, back to the tent city up near the Soapstone Wildlife Preserve where they ate sagebrush and tried not to freeze to death, dropped off the interns and two of our PhD’s that had spent the Christmas holidays in the bosom of the Larimer County Work but not release program.

Fortunately our critical employees like our chef returned a day early to get the fires built back up again. Of course he returned because we kept the back seat out of his 1968 Buick Boattail Riviera as an incentive to come back. You can not find replacements for those anywhere, I don’t care if you look on Craigslist, eBay, AutoZone, or any junkyard from here to the Philippines, they’re just not available. It’s good to see that coal-black smoke roiling out of the commissaries chimneys again. It won’t be long before the scent of coal fires and Lamprey stew and frozen dinners will coat the buildings with a thin layer of grease again. I know some of our interns cannot wait. Which is good because they’ve already chewed so much bark off the aspen I don’t know what the elk are going to eat this winter,

Our Chief of Security was also an early returnee. She had to put new brushes in the generator that keeps the fence electrified and to test fire the AR-15’s that were stored in the gun locker. Plus she just likes shooting stuff and it’s difficult to find a place where you can discharge automatic weapons with impunity. Our med staff came back because there would be a lot of cases to treat amongst the returning interns due to their living rough as they call it. Rashes, bites, broken teeth, infected tattoos, malnutrition, loss of key parts of their bodies from unknown incidents, bruises from manacles and restraints, loss of body hair from attending New Year’s parties, colds, hypo and hyper thermia, hearing loss from listening to Mother’s and other loved ones telling them to get a real job, acute disorientation, many terrible nearly untreatable diseases from those who traveled outside the country to their home of origin, and sea sickness. Our med staff is ready, in fact some of them were walking around with their rubber gloves on already.

Our animals got time off also. The wolves went up to Yellowstone to visit friends, the grizzlies that watch the far-flung perimeter of The Institute had reservations at Sandals again this year. They just can’t get enough of the Turks and Caicos, Saint Lucia and Antigua. Our resident Elk herd made the short pilgrimage to Rocky Mountain National Park to see the in-laws. Our own Bighorn Sheep herd went to visit cousins and other extended family down in the Black Mountains near Kingman Arizona. They’re a little late checking in but they were sighted on Highway 34 near Allenspark just outside of Rocky Mountain National Park where they were going to stop for a night to see friends and drop off a few Desert Bighorns who wanted to see the park first hand, or hoof as it were.

It’s always a good feeling to get The Institute back up and running. Soon we’ll be having our meetings, setting agendas and summer trips schedules, putting the interns back to work with planting and watering and hoeing. They’ll be getting that lower 160 acres planted to Rutabagas again and be busy stirring up the carp ponds. Fresh fish again, they like that. We here at The Institute hope your holidays went well and you’re back in the grind with a fresh mind and rested feet. Drop us a line when you’re not busy. Let us know how your holidays went. We’ve already heard from Aunt Pheeb. Uncle Skid got out of Rikers in time to make it home for Christmas. She didn’t even know he was in New York, he had just gone out for cigarettes, but that’s a story for another time. Have a good New Year.

Flash Frozen

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What we have here is a very strange and unusual sight. Many of you out there in reader land, not being buffalologists, do not know that there are several type’s of Buffalo in Yellowstone park. The Institute in its quest for knowledge and a new way to twist the facts for our own ends, have discovered a hither to unknown variety of buffalo which we have named bison bison congelata which loosely translated from the Latin means “one frozen ass buffalo”. We apologize for the rude language but the Latin’s were a crude people, not withstanding the fact that they could speak Latin, which now-a-days would make them really smart.

What makes these buffalo different from your run of mill buffalo that brings traffic to a stand still while they lay in the middle of the road chewing their cud like big fat lumps? Well for one, they’re cold-blooded. That’s right, just like a lizard, or a snake, which in certain light and after a quart of Everclear they have been mistaken for. We have had interns screaming “Snake, Snake!” when it’s only been one of these buffalo. But then we have had that same intern screaming “Buffalo, Buffalo!” when it has been a snake so take all that screaming with a grain of salt.

Scorpions are also cold-blooded creatures which will sting you stupid with their poisonous tail but so far our researchers have not ascertained whether this new breed of buffalo can sting with its tail or not. We know for sure that when they’re active they can flat stomp you into the ground then hook you if they see you twitching. But so far no stings.

This particular buffalo has been caught in the classic dilemma facing all cold-blooded creatures. When your blood runs cold natures’ defense is to get you somewhere warm, otherwise your blood congeals to the point of peanut butter and it can no longer flow through your body and keep you active. As the blood cools and congeals cold-blooded creatures begin to get muddled and forgetful, often misplacing things like their car keys or that Post it note telling them to get somewhere warm before it gets cold. Then they become completely immobile, literally freezing in place.

That’s what has happened here. This cold-blooded buffalo had been crossing the Gibbon river to get to the warming shed before the temperature dropped any further when he made the classic bovine mistake. He stopped to eat some of the grass there along the river bank. Stuck his big fat head right into a clump of buffalo grass. There you are, game over, the temp dropped and that was it. Dumb mistake, but remember the muddled part, which probably played a big part in its becoming Flash Frozen.

There’s no fixing it now. These guys weigh in at about 2000 lbs so you’re not going to be dragging it off somewhere. Plus you’d have to get in that water which right now is very cold and if you didn’t bring waders and a come-a-long you’re not going to get much done. However all is not lost here. Being a cold-blooded creature as soon as the sun comes out in the morning he’ll start to warm up, finish chewing that mouthful of grass and be on his way. That is if the wolves don’t find him during the night.

This is a worrisome thought for the buffalo as he is not dead, he is just temporarily frozen, he can hear, probably even see even if he can’t turn his head, so the night is long and filled with terrors if you’re a flash frozen buffalo. We had heard the pack howling earlier but it seemed a long way off. They probably won’t find him.

The Moral of this tale is, “Pay Attention. Keep an eye on the weather. Don’t lose the damn Post it. And don’t believe everything you read.”

Before The Mist Clears

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Sometimes people will ask “Where’d all the color come from in that picture, then?” Or they’ll say “I was there. I never saw anything like that.” This is usually accompanied by a suspicious glare. Other times they’ll simply say “No way, dude, That is a load of condensed owl manure.” What they don’t know is they are not looking in the right places for these images, or at the right time.”

These images exist in nature by the quintillious millions. You are literally walking through them every time you are someplace like the Firehole river here in Yellowstone. The deal is, it takes some practice to see them in their full glorious color like this. For instance this particular image was lurking within the mist just waiting for someone to stop and photograph it. Think of it like this. You know how a movie is made with 30, 60, 120 frames per second and when it is played back the rapid display of the individual images or frames merge into a flow that shows the movement and creates the scene or movie.

Well that’s exactly what nature does. These images are lined up one behind the other into infinity and as you look at the scene they are speeding by you so quickly that you don’t see each individual frame. An individual image like this is often missed. It had already gone by so fast you didn’t have a chance to get your camera up to your eye let alone take a picture.

The secret to taking a picture like this, aside from a rapid dunking in Photoshop, is to kind of check out where the next image might appear, then slowly walk by the place being very careful not to glance at it directly. If you do look it tips the projector guy off that you have seen what’s coming, and he’ll speed the film up, so to speak, making it that much more difficult to take the shot.

While you’re fiddling around pretending you don’t see the picture coming up, surreptitiously set your camera to all the proper settings, then whirl around and snap the photo. That’s all there is to it. The settings for this shot were 1/800,000 of a second at f 2100. Make certain you have set the HISS (Hidden Imaginary Scene Selector) switch located on the lower left side of the lens housing on most professional cameras, to Automatic. If you don’t have this switch on your camera then it is time to upgrade as it is nearly impossible to catch an image like this without one.  Check with your local camera dealer for the most up to date information So there you have it. Photography made easy. You’re welcome.

The Visit

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Now listen we’re going to visit the Bovinos today and I want you on your best behavior, you hear me?

Yes, mom

Don’t be pulling any stunts like you did last time. What possessed you to head-butt Lawrence anyway? you know how clumsy he is. That coffee table must have cost twenty bales of hay. You’re lucky she didn’t ask us to pay for it, your father would still be tanning your hide.

He’s a twit mom. Why do we even have to go over there?

Because she’s the herd bulls cousin and your dad wants to be on the board of directors of the MRAMA. That’s important. That means he’d be in charge of the entire Western region of the Madison River Affiliated Meadows Association and we’d have the best grazing in the entire Madison river valley. So we have to go make nice with them and see if we can’t make peace with her. I don’t much care for them either but we can at least go there and eat hay and talk. You can play with Lawrence but so help me if you head-butt him again, you won’t get any milk from me for a week. You got it?

Geez mom, I do. Man. What !  Ma! Now what?, I said I wouldn’t head-butt the little dork.

Don’t you use that tone of voice with me William Johnson, I’m talking about you doing your business in the hallway instead of out on the grass. I swear I do not know what has gotten into that melon of a head of yours. Are your horns starting to come out, is that it?

God mom don’t talk about that kind of stuff it’s embarrassing. And Lawrence locked the bathroom door so I couldn’t get in, the little toad, there was no way I was going to get outside in time. He’s always doing stuff like that. That’s why nobody likes him in nursery school. I may head-butt the little creep just for good measure.

William if you do I swear…..

Ok, Ok, Ok. Lets not stay too long alright. I don’t how long I can be good. Besides my forehead itches something awful. If that stupid Lawrence says one thing about these bumps I’m getting I will show him what a head-butt is. I don’t care if I ever get any milk again.

William for cripe’s sake if I have to tell you one more time…. Ok there they are, behave yourself now please, and for god’s sake do not try to nurse from Mrs. Bovino again. I don’t know if we’ll ever live that one down. I don’t care if your dad did think it was funny. Do not do that again. Oh Hi, Evelyn, it’s so nice to see you again. Yes it is a lovely day.

Pancho And Lefty – Standoff At Cascade Creek

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As the tale goes the Cascade Creek pack had killed a cow elk a couple of days ago. The carcass lay upon a gentle rise out in the meadow about 150 yards away from the highway. It had been worked over pretty good by the pack, plus a grizzly that came in and stripped a lot of the big bones that were still heavy with meat during the night. A four hundred pound elk doesn’t go very far when the big boys start feeding.

Soon the carcass had flattened out so that it was barely visible above the snow it lay upon. It looked as If there wouldn’t’ be anything left for the pack when they came back to feed later in the day. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t still sustenance to be had. There was marrow in the smaller bones that hadn’t been carried off yet. The hide could be licked and chewed on for the blood. There were still parts left to eat.

Pancho and Lefty were the first to arrive. As young bucks in the pack they were always hungry and wanted to get in there and get what they could before the Alpha and his mate showed up. There wouldn’t be much chance to eat once he arrived, he’d decide who ate and when, or even if, and his mate wasn’t any easier to get along with.

As luck would have it the Raven Clan had moved in and assumed control of the kill. They were pretty amped up as they had just driven a Golden Eagle off the carcass and they weren’t about to give up their prize without a battle.

However, impotence cures in such a situation can be administered to determine if the man has decreased DHEA levels. free samples of cialis Also known as wolfberry, goji berries tend to be reddish in color and are viagra buy no prescription respitecaresa.org a bit elongated. I do an extensive exam to determine the root of the amaranth and cheap viagra chafed it in a great and sanitary location. Male redundant prepuce is too long or tight underwear excessively stimulate the side effects of viagra glans penis can cause the premature ejaculation. At first glance you would believe that it would be a pretty unequal fight, what with the wolves being 100 lbs plus and the ravens weighing about three, three and a half tops, but size can fool you. Sure the wolves had pulled down a four hundred pound cow with very little trouble and they could easily snap a raven in two with those powerful jaws, but first they had to catch them. And the ravens had one point in their favor. Wolves cannot fly.

The ravens also had those long pointed beaks. They could peck at a massive bone until they cracked it to get at the marrow inside. It would not be too troublesome to take out a wolf’s eye if it came to that. So there you have it. The wolves surveyed the situation deciding on how much energy they wanted to spend evicting the squatters and the ravens knew that if they were tenacious enough they could pester the wolves into leaving. It was the standoff at the Cascade Creek kill.

Finally the wolves decided that there was enough left on the carcass that it would be worth the battle. They charged into the flock repeatedly, the ravens would lift up just out of muzzle range and settle back just as quickly once the wolf went after another bird. It looked like they could do this all day, but the wolves being wolves were still hungry and they didn’t let up. Finally the Ravens called a truce and moved back out of lunging range, content with nipping in and stealing little morsels that were dropped by the wolves. The wolves tolerated this until the Raven would get too confidant, then they would make short lunges to run it off.

The one-sided battle went on for several hours until the wolves had eaten their fill and wandered off to find a resting place to settle in and sleep off their meal. The Ravens knowing this would happen moved back in on the carcass and went to work. This was just a battle, the war would go on for as long as there were wolves and ravens. Right now it was mostly a draw.

Pancho and Lefty were lucky. They had the kill to themselves for much longer than usual and they did not waste the opportunity. They ate as much and as quickly as they could. The Alpha and the rest of the pack had slept in and didn’t get there until much later in the day. By then most of the drama was over. The carcass was just about picked clean and it was another day in Yellowstone.

Ghosts In The Darkness

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Many people do not know this but buffalo do not emit light. They do not reflect light. In fact they absorb light. What one sees when one comes around a corner late at night is not the neon green eyes of the usual grass nibblers as you would if these were normal creatures, instead there is nothing, just a dark shape perhaps slightly darker than the surrounding light, a night-time shadow, a ghost in the darkness. They loom in the roadway, an almost formless mass that represents a 2000 lb. animal blocking your passage, somewhat irritated that you would be disturbing it as it goes about its life.

They also do not understand motor driven vehicles. This is not a proven fact yet but it appears that they do not see vehicles as a mechanical conveyance at all but simply as another large animal that needs to be confronted and dealt with. The Director has a large imprint, call it a dent if you must, in his old Dodge pickup,The Enola Gay, that was placed there by a bull who apparently didn’t like the color blue. That’s the only reason we can come up with that would explain why it would suddenly charge across the roadway and attempt to gore the Enola Gay to death. During circumstances such as these one doesn’t try to have meaningful dialogue with the enraged beast, there is no attempt made to explain that this is going to result in increased insurance premiums, body work, and some inconvenience, one simply drives away glad you were not the one with a big dent in your ass. They do not care that you may be weary and just want to get home after a long day of photographing them when they are visible. Note: Sunlight makes them visible and they are much easier to see so you don’t have problems seeing them during the daytime. But night, that’s a different story.

They wander through their lives completely oblivious to the needs and demands of humans. This is why they do what appears to be mind-boggling stupid things when you least expect it. Buffalo fall into the category of things and people that do not keep regular hours. This makes them unpredictable. They will leave waist-high grass, jump into the frigid water of the closest river, crossing it to eat the waist-high grass on the other side. They will stand placidly by the side of the road as you pass only to leap out into the road and stick their horn in your radiator the next time they see you. They will lie down in the middle of the road immediately around a hairpin corner because the asphalt is warm. Even going 45 mph, or less, the speed limit in most of the park, it is difficult to stop a vehicle on such short notice. Usually they will not even get up after nearly being struck. They require that you back up and go around them. One learns to drive very cautiously in buffalo territory.

Buffalo are travelers. They’re like Deadheads. One place is never good enough. They’re soon off to hear the next concert even if its exactly like the one they just heard. They have timetables that they do not share with the rest of the denizens of the park, human or otherwise. Migratory schedules that are important enough to them that they will set out at any time, cross any obstacles to get to a place that looks exactly like the place that they just left. That is what is happening in the picture above. This small herd was feeding on the new grass of the meadows in the Madison river canyon when the bell rang and they immediately started up the roadway through the Gibbon falls canyon to the lush meadows at the top of the pass. In the old days before macadam they had trails that they would walk in, single file, nose to tail like circus elephants but then humans came along and built them these wonderful wide flat trails that they could walk ten abreast on, and they use them. In fact they own them and only grudgingly share them if at all.

One has not lived until one has followed the herd the eight miles or so from the bottom of the Gibbon pass to the top where the Gibbon meadows are. Buffalo walk at about 2-3 miles per hour, less if they have calves along, and they always have calves along, so if you are fortunate enough to get behind the herd  be prepared to inch along behind it, carefully watching the temperature gauge on your dashboard, wallowing in the delightful scent of buffalo until they get to the top. Some people become so enraged by this that they blow their horns and try and push the herd by encroaching on their space. This is never a good idea. Buffalo can be very vindictive. Repair bills are the least of your problems if you try to impose your will on a buffalo herd. Just a word of warning.

This night everyone was lucky. There was a car in the lead full of people who had never seen a buffalo before even though they had been watching them all day, so traffic was at a crawl to begin with when everyone rounded the curve and came upon these ghostly travelers. You can get a small sense of the chaos involved when the cars slam on their brakes and the herd erupts into a darting frenzy, trying to make sense of what is occurring , protecting the wild-eyed calves, and maintaining their forward motion. This is a ‘good news’ photo as if you notice the direction we’re traveling and the direction the buffalo are moving, we will be through this buffalo jam as soon as they pass by us. The folks behind them traveling in the same direction however are in for a long night.

If you visit Yellowstone and you find yourself a long way from your lodging just relax, don’t try and race home, take your time, and be ever vigilant so you don’t meet the ghosts in the darkness.