Tag Archives: trollop

The Daily Reporter

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2015-10-03The Surveyor2967

Well another day and I’m wondering what’s on tap today. Yesterday was something with Phil and Carl getting in that big fight over that trollop Edna Marie. I hope Carl’s eye is ok. You would think those Elk would have more brains but I guess growing those big antlers doesn’t leave much blood flow into their little bitty brain sockets. I can’t see what those guys see in her. She has a calf every single year, sometimes twins. Everybody talks about it.

Then Vince came lumbering through. What a blivet. He is so fat that even for a Black bear he’s one jumbo burrito. He looks like a 55 gallon drum with ears. And dumb! he’s so dumb he thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.

And then that fox Clarita, and I don’t mean fox as in red fox those sneaky bastards, I mean that total hottie Chipmunk from down the meadow came by both cheeks stuffed with seeds. I mean Whoa….

The sad thing that happened in the afternoon was that nice old Mr. Lapinsky, the Ground Squirrel that lived in that stump next to where the bees were for a while until Vince dug them out that one time, who would do anything for anybody, got snatched by that Golden eagle. You could hear him screaming as the eagle took him up and out of sight. Mr. Lapinsky never liked heights.

There was one more incident that I can barely talk about even now, a whole day after it happened. I was up here on my rock, minding my own business not paying attention to anyone or anything when I heard a rustle just out there in the tall grass. God! It was Russell, that miserable misbegotten, hairy, flea-ridden, worthless piece of canine trash, even for a coyote, getting ready to jump up here and get me. He got my cousin Ed last summer, ate him right in front of his whole family and then tried for one of the kids too. What a… If I hadn’t heard him I would have been gone too. I’m afraid I embarrassed myself as I made one huge leap for the tree behind me, never, never go in a hole when a coyote goes for you, get up a tree. Those things can dig like crazy and I mean where you gonna go. No, always go up a tree. I’m still shaking. I can barely eat the rest of this seed.

Yesterday was a big day, but really, no bigger than most days . I see a lot of crazy stuff from up here I can tell you. Who’s that coming this way? Well I’ll be, I haven’t seen her in a while… What is that she is… Nooo, you won’t believe this.

Cows Behaving Badly

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This story like so many others starts innocently enough. We have a young girl just discovering her budding cow-hood. She’s young, she’s beautiful and like so many other young girls, she just wants to have fun. The herd is spending a lovely June afternoon at Sheep lake in Rocky Mountain National Park, the water is cool, there are snacks to nibble on and best of all she can see herself reflected in the mirror-like surface of the lake.

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Noticing some of the young bulls grazing nearby she manages to delicately display some hoof under the guise of removing some non-existent reeds.

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Since she has the lake to herself at the moment she unwisely decides to cavort in a most unseemly manner in an effort to become the center of attention. She notices that all the nearby bulls are now paying very close attention to her.

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So she coyly begins her dance by striking the water with her front hoof in a provocative display, all sense of decorum has now flown out the window and she gives in to her base desires to be noticed.

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Relinquishing all common sense she gyrates wildly in a pagan display of abandonment and casts off all modesty and proper ladylike demurement.

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Beginning to tire a bit and flush with the excitement of being the star of the afternoon she slows her dance and decides to reap some of the benefits of her endeavors.

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Thinking to rejoin the herd as the new queen of the meadow she approached the others with thoughts of “I feel pretty, I feel pretty, I feel pretty and witty and wise” running through her head.

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Until she meets mom, that is. Things are not going as planned. Statements of “Have you “completely lost your mind” and “What were you thinking” land on deaf ears.

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Seeing that she is not having the desired effect on this wayward child, efforts ratchet up. Harsh words are spoken. Words like “Strumpet, and “Hussy” and even “Trollop” are spoken out loud in an effort to bring this child to her senses.

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But unfortunately it is all to no avail. It’s back to the lake to show off again. She is not going to be treated like a child and be denied her fun in the sun, not today.

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Even more determined to be seen as a young cow of the world she puts on an even greater display of wanton behavior in a vain attempt to recapture that glorious feeling of being the center of attention and the queen of the meadow.

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However the moment is gone and her desperate attempts to recapture that former glory are just that, desperate.

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Now she reaps the bitter fruits of her rebelliousness. Rejected by the herd for her not quite lewd but certainly lascivious display she is shunned and sent to the far outer limits of the meadow to ponder her actions and hopefully learn that decorum is the rule to ladylike behavior and herd acceptance. Growing up can be hard during this time in her life but thankfully she has only been brazen and has not succumbed to dangerous and unlawful activities such as sneaking off and eating locoweed like some of the other young cows have done. So there is hope for her yet. After she realizes that her elders were only interested in her well being and if she is contrite she will be welcomed back into the herd with open arms. The  moral here is not “If you got it Flaunt it” but instead, be careful young cows, your reputation is all you have.”