Tag Archives: The Institute’s

The Final Frontier

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Space4205

We have received just under a zillion letters asking about The Institutes ongoing space program. Rather than post each one here we have chosen one letter out of the overstuffed mailbags left leaning on the gate post down at the bottom of the hill. It is from one of our many admirers in Oasis, New Mexico.

“Dear  Director, I just wanted to thank you for the lovely weekend we had. You were so gallant, bringing flowers, wine, reserving our table at Arby’s. I still remember the emergency room visit due to the carbon monoxide leak you had  in the jeep. I’m sorry you almost died but then we shouldn’t have been parked that far out of town. I’m writing this letter because I think we have a “little’ problem as I have not been visited by Mother’s natures gift to women in three months and thought you should (Note: The beginning of this note has been redacted due to its personal nature and continues below regarding our Space program.)

I know you have been working really hard on getting the launch vehicle ready for its maiden flight. I hope my small donation of welding the gantry, it was my first real welding experience since I graduated from County Tech, I gave you helps in your efforts to explore space and its time continuum thingy you talked about. That spark that started the fire and burned down the control center was unfortunate, but those things happen when you weld in knee-high grass. You were good about it though. You seemed so smart. That ‘s why I decided to let you (Note: Sorry, didn’t catch that the first time I reread this.)

I drove by the Space Port the other day and noticed that part of the gantry, is that the right word?, had fallen down, I guess I should have ‘tacked’ it more, that’s welding talk, hon, and one of the letters in America was crooked. When are you coming back down here to work on it? We really, really need to talk, I think that our little problem (Note: the rest of the letter doesn’t pertain to our Space program so I’m just going to leave it off. She ends with,)

I miss you terribly and hope that your extra government funding comes through so you can send this ship up into the heavens. I’m thinking about your offer to be the first woman in space from New Mexico and the honor that would be but I’m a little concerned about the rust around the  engine compartment, is that supposed to be there? Hoping to see you soon, and I mean soon, yours truly,

Spacey in New Mexico.”

Well, we don’t have an answer for Spacey as she obvious has us confused with some other space ship builder and cosmos explorer. Unfortunately we get letters like this periodically but that’s the price of fame. We hope everything works out ok for her and she finds the right space explorer to help her with her problems. But I have no recollection of anyone in New Mexico named Spacey and now that I look more closely at the picture I think that isn’t even our space vehicle. Ours had USA on the side, I remember, our letters were the really neat wooden ones with the routed edges because we got a deal on them from Home Depot, not those plastic cheap ones they used for America on this spaceship, and it was pointed up more. Anyway thank you for all your cards and letters and remember to include us in your last bequests when you make out  your will. We could use the funding for more programs like this one.

Into Each Park Some Rain Must Fall

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RainMustFallPano

Many years ago when Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was perhaps touring Yellowstone National Park he penned one of his famous poems titled “Rainy Day”. The last two lines of the poem are “Into each park some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary.” Well this was in 1842 and it is apparently still raining.

Later on the Inkspots were touring the park and covered the poem with their hit song “Into each Park Some Rain Must Fall”. This was back in the early 40’s and Ella Fitzgerald was so taken with it she joined them and together they brought out a jazz version of the song. It was raining that day too.

When we arrived at the park to conduct The Institutes semi-annual inspection it was raining and in fact it rained 15 days out of 17. The two days it didn’t rain we had some sunshine but it quickly turned to rain.

Upon questioning some of the park staff who refused to give us their names, we asked “Why is it freaking raining sooooo much?” We hated to sound like we were whining but enough with the rain already. They had several theories, the most plausible of which was that the animals after a hard winter, spent either hibernating, or standing around buttocks deep in snow, or laying in the dirt somewhere needed some sprucing up before the park officially sprang into high gear after Memorial day. We thought this theory had some merit after being downwind of the buffalo herd as it trudged up the Gibbon canyon. Three hours behind a buffalo herd will give you a new belief in the need for good animal hygiene.

But while some rain is good, great even, there might be too much of a good thing. These animals are now as clean as they are ever going to be. Sparkling, they look like they’ve had the best spa day ever. The Kardashians have never been as clean as these animals and we all know how long they spend at the spa. Weeks.

We thought that the animal washing theory was a little weak and conveyed that fact to the park representative we were speaking to but they adamantly defended this as a valid reason for the rain so, being as they are like official park officials we went along with it. After all if you can’t trust someone who works for the government, who you gonna trust?

So, comfortable with the reasons given for the seemingly endless rain we continued our inspection amongst the squeaky clean animals, enjoying the fresh fragrances of the buffalo and elk and even the grizzlies, although they had a slightly musty odor that went away later in the summer, we were told by the same knowledgeable official who had the rain theory. He said “Trust me, come back in August and smell one, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” We gave that assignment to one of our newest interns.

We have provided you with an image of a high country valley being rained on as we toured up to Mt. Washburn, one of the highest peaks in the park, where it was raining. But with sweet-smelling ground squirrels and Stellar Jays accompanying us we hardly noticed. The rain. I think that was day nine. That was a particularly rainy day.

Note : To those of you tuning in late the following posts will catch you up on preceding events. There is no extra charge for this service it is included in the cost of admission. We know you don’t want to miss a minute of our fascinating but undocumented report.

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/the-words-out/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/announcement-13/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/yellowstone-passes-inspection/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/ghosts-in-the-darkness/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/you-dont-see-that-every-day/

http://www.bigshotsnow.com/now-are-the-foxes/

Shades of Morning

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sunrise3734

Good Morning,  Daanzhonl da, Apache [Jicarilla] (Arizona USA), Egun on, Basque (Spain, France), Jo san, Cantonese (China), Oga’an maolek, Chamorro (Guam, Mariana Island),  God morgen, Danish (Denmark, Greenland), Aloha kakahiaka, Hawaiian (Hawaii),  Uvlaalluaqtaq, Inupiaq (Alaska), Ohayo gozaimasu, Japanese (Japan), Hinhanni waste, Lakhota (United States), L-ghodwa t-tajba, Maltese (Malta), Ma cualli tlaneci, Náhuatl [classical] (Aztec Empire),  Ungil tutau, Palauan (Palau),  Ziech chuknaen, Udmurt (Russia), and Umhlala gahle, Zulu (Southern Africa).*

You can say it in any language you want, in fact I have a very good friend, an old Africa hand, that prefers Ema Asubuhi, Bwana, nacaca taka wiski tena taharuki, Which I gather means Good Morning Bwana, I want whiskey again, hurry. But even he agrees that the best mornings come from right off The Institutes primary photography deck here in Colorado.

We have a morning every single day here and we haven’t missed a single one as long as The Institute has been in existence. This is a pretty good record considering we have been up against some pretty stiff competition. There have been a few rumors that mornings are nice in Hawaii and they’re not too bad from the edge of the Grand Canyon of The Yellowstone but if you want a really good morning then right here, right next to the corner post of our very own photo deck, is the best place to be.

There are more ways to say Good Morning than I have listed. The good folks at Jenny’s Language pages say there are more than 3000 languages and counting so if you need to express yourself in another language you have a lot of possibilities. I prefer Good Morning as that is my native language and I’m familiar with all 60 or 70 words of it so I use it without even thinking about it. Lately I’ve been thinking that I may switch to Inupiaq, what we know as Inuit, because the words just seem to roll off my tongue, but I’m not sure yet. In any event here it is another good morning brought to you by the folks at The Institute. You’re welcome.

* Jennifer’s Language Page at users.elite.net/runner or www.elite.net/~runner).  Jennifer’s Language Pages are  an extraordinary place to find out how to say Good Morning in any language you may want to. Check it out.

Sough Mang

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Sough Mang-1361

Many of you have been writing in asking if there are any recent additions to The Institute’s indoor petting zoo. Well yes there is and we are happy to announce that we do have a new member of our animal family. This is Sough Mang. She’s an 8-year-old freethinking, independent female from an unnamed Asian country that demands to remain anonymous. She is here because of some unruly behavior on her part at her last tiger refuge that caused her to be expelled from her country of origin, something about her going off the reservation and killing one of the local carabao, or buffalo, then eating some of the locals that came looking for it. The details are a little murky but we don’t believe it was too serious. These things can get blown out of proportion you know, what with everybody yelling, torches in the night, angry gestures and name calling, facts can get tangled. We’re just happy to have her.

As we mentioned before The Institute is all about lost causes, second chances, standing up for the under dog, or in this case the under tiger, and helping those that can be helped to straighten up and fly right. We love a challenge. We were able to pickup Sough Mang very cheaply, actually they paid us a few bucks to take her off their hands, plus they threw in a nearly full bag of Purina Tiger Chow. In fact everyone in the entire chain of command from the scratched up handlers at the tiger center, to the flight crew who had to put her back in her cage when someone forgot to lock the door, to the customs guys who had to feed her until we could get there and pick her up, all were more than happy to pass her down the line.

We still not sure what all the hassle was about. She seems to be settling into her new quarters with a minimum amount of fuss. Another stroke of luck was we had just reclaimed this area of the zoo after the previous tenants were found missing. The circumstances surrounding this incident were unclear, although there were some bones and reddish patches of hair found behind the dumpster near the kitchen, we can’t believe any of our cooks would have raided the zoo simply for an entre. Who would want to eat an entire family of Orangutans anyway. That just doesn’t make sense.

But what you lose in one hand you gain in another, and although it was tragic to lose our family of Orangutans it opened the way for us to have Sough Mang join our family. We spiffed up the enclosure with a little paint, some Astroturf, added some cat toys, a scratching post down near the water trough and it was ready. Fortunately as this enclosure was once a linen closet and part of the mud room here at the Institute, and had just had new sheet rock installed it was a pretty inexpensive retrofit.

We’re debating on whether to let anyone into her enclosure yet as she is still a little skittish but we’ve got a tour of wildlife management students from the local college coming this weekend and as this is a petting zoo we may just have to let things happen as they happen. We haven’t been able to feed Sough Mang since we got her last Thursday, she keeps trying to snag the handlers rather than the food they’re carrying in. Perhaps some of these college kids can help out with that, they’re supposed to be training how to manage wildlife. Lets get them some real life experience. Plus we could really use the revenue.

Another task that needs to be undertaken pretty darn soon is to tack up more sound-proofing on the ceiling of her enclosure. Nobody bothered to inform us of just how loud a hungry tiger is. This is worse than having a new puppy in the house.

So yes folks, thank you for all your cards and letters asking about our petting zoo and it’s occupants, they’re all fine. Since a certain part of our revenue here at The Institute is derived from our petting zoo we’d like to encourage you to come on down and bring the kids for a fun-filled afternoon in our basement petting zoo where you can have up close and personal interaction with some of the wildest critters in the animal world. It’s fun it’s cheap, 25.00 bucks for adults and 17.00 for children under 6.  Save some money*, it’s only 3.00 each if you would take Sough Mang’s food in to her. A personal picture of you in the friendly clutches of Sough Mang is provided absolutely free of charge to everyone who makes it back out of the enclosure. Come and join us soon.

* All volunteers must sign the following Waiver and Release of Liability

In consideration of the risk of injury while participating in the care and feeding of wild animals (The “Activity”), and as consideration for the right to participate in the Activity, I hereby, for myself, a person of little or no common sense, my heirs, executors, administrators, assigns, or personal representatives, knowingly and voluntarily enter into this waiver and hereby waive any and all rights, claims, or causes of action of any kind whatsoever arising out of my participation in the Activity, and do hereby release and forever discharge anyone, located at The Institute, Institute City, Colorado 80999, their affiliates, managers, members, agents, staff, volunteers, heirs, representatives, predecessors, successors and assigns, for any physical or psychological injury, including but not limited to illness, paralysis, death, damages, soiled clothes, economical or emotional loss, loss of limbs, head, parts of face not limited to ears or chins, involuntary bowel movements or embarrassment caused by same, projectile vomiting, loss of functional hearing, seeing, swallowing, loss or disruption of tendons leading to lower extremities, accrual of bite marks on iPads, or smart phones causing loss of functionality, loss of ringtones or personal photos, ability to reason, trauma, loss of teeth and connective tissue, loss of credit and lowering of credit score, inability to keep solid food down or diminished sexual functionality or ability to think about it, plus any and all other lame-ass claims you may think of in the future.

_______________________________________________ Participant

_______________________________________________ Witness

________________________________________________ Date