Tag Archives: Rocky Mountain National Park

Things They Are A Changing

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Every Spring The Institute sends one of our roving biologists to Rocky Mountain National Park to see whats new and they usually come back with a report that is fairly dull and boring. I mean how many new species of Chipmunks are you going to find ? None would be the correct answer. Or what about Elk? Any lime green ones this year? No, the correct answer would also be no. As far as the type of animals available in the park that’s going to stay pretty much the same.

So what we have to look for, if we’re going to have anything new at all to report, is changes in behavior. Trends, new styles, interspecies love affairs, technical advancements, etc. And we hit pay dirt right out of the chute. It seems as if the technical advances we’ve seen in the last few years outside of the park’s boundaries have finally caught up with some of our animals in the park. Also some real life style changes that are remarkable when compared to the way these animals have lived for who knows how long, years probably.

If it weren’t for photographic evidence and the fact that this was seen by one of our most dependable and sober researchers we might have dismissed this story out of hand. But as you know by now pictures don’t lie. People writing stories about those pictures might, but the pictures themselves don’t.

We have two, that’s right two, really remarkable things happening here. The first is that many of the Mule deer in the park who are constantly looking for a better life, have taken up living in heretofore unused housing. There is now a sizable number of them occupying the caves that abound in the sides of the mountains here. Yes, difficult as it may be to believe except for some of you more gullible types, we now have a group of cave dwelling Mule deer. They have begun moving into these caves at an incredible rate, actually causing cave prices to double in just the last year and a half. Low interest rates have played a part in this cave dwelling boom but the fact that they are now occupying caves at all is the real story.

The other amazing story is the adoption of wearable technology. This trendy young male, or buck, as the ladies like to call him, is seen wearing the newest Sony TrotMan mp3 player, radio and personal location device. This is actually the latest version (2.0) of this newly offered Animal Media delivery device on the market. Besides being able to pick up K103.5, the Mulie Music station of the Rockies, or K-Buck as it’s known throughout the park, he can receive weather reports, updates on the next hunting season, Oldies but Goodies, there’s even a swap meet show every Saturday morning and tips on where is the best recycling place to shed his antlers in the spring, and with the optional blue-tooth speaker you see mounted in his other ear, everything is incredibly clear so he can hear every word and sing along with his favorite artist. This is all in stereophonic hi-fi, and of course advertising free FM.

In speaking with park officials, those that would agree to make any kind of statement at all that is, actually no one officially employed by the Park Service or any of its subsidiaries would agree to make a comment, mostly they just rolled up their windows and drove away, but this guy that hangs around the trash cans at Horseshoe Meadow said that from what he heard, this is a test program being conducted at Rocky Mountain National Park and if it goes well and they get the subscription numbers they’re looking for, this program will likely Spread to Yellowstone, Bryce and Zion, and any other park that has a sizable number of Mule deer.

As always we want to make you aware of the latest stories and unusual news coming out of the wildlife world. We’re justifiably proud to be the first to bring you this latest breaking story and want to remind you that The Institute is always on  the lookout for the those news events that  keep you abreast and informed, so that when you relate this story to your coworkers around the water cooler you’ll sound as intelligent as any one else there. Check in with us often so you are always are up to date with the most intriguing news available. Remember We’re The Institute and we’re here to help.

Back In The Bushes

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Spring in Rocky Mountain National Park is usually a time when love is the center of attention. There is all that birds and bees stuff going on what with pairing up and nest-building and the place fairly reeks of love. For the Elk, love is for the Fall. Spring is for birthing babies. Elk mate and carry their young through the winter and in the Spring there is a frenzy of activity as the various pregnant cows decide important things. Like which clump of bushes to drop their calf’s in. It has to be far enough away from the main herd to keep busybodies away yet close enough to show off the little darlings after they arrive. Or what type of layette they will have to make their nursery complete, blue or pink, that kind of thing. One of the biggest decisions to make is which name to pick out if it is a bull calf.

Edith June and Loretta Clarisse are sisters and have always been fiercely competitive. They’ve been on the outs since last Fall when they found out they had both been with Big Daryl the herd bull. Big Daryl was one of the toughest, meanest, most belligerent bulls in the park which made him highly desirable of course, and the sisters both wanted to name their offspring some variation of Daryl, figuring this would give them an edge next Fall when the Rut, or mating season came around.

Edith June, the cow on the left, had made a grand announcement that not only was she carrying Daryl’s progeny but that she was carrying twins, both bull calves. She was going to name them Daryl, as in, this is my son Daryl and my other son Daryl. When Loretta Clarisse heard that gossip ripple though the herd she was incensed, not only incensed but furious, nearly out of her mind with anger and rage, her jealousy rampant, as she was only carrying  one calf and it was a cow. Holy Mackerel. Did the droppings ever hit the fan when she found herself bested by her sister. Not one to keep things to herself Loretta Clarisse cornered Edith June back in the bushes and made her feelings known.

Cows rarely get physical but when they do it is impressive to watch. Kind of like when two pretty, but shapely sisters fight over getting the same boyfriends name tattooed on their posteriors. There is head-butting, name calling, gnashing of teeth, baleful glaring, and hoof hitting. Hoof hitting is the one that causes damage. Their hooves are sharp and they hit with the full weight of their 450 lb. bodies, and cuts and getting an eye out are not uncommon.

Fortunately some of the older cows who have been through this many times before  waded in and broke them up before any real damage was done. Other than some bruised egos and a sharp pain in Edith June’s side from the exertion everything ended as well as could be expected. The older cows herded Loretta Clarisse to the other end of the meadow to cool down and Edith June’s friends commiserated with her, telling her how lucky she was to be having twins and how awful her sister was for being such a bitch. Cow elk use the word bitch having heard it from the many tourists that frequent the park so don’t be surprised if you hear them calling each other that if you visit. This is a good reason not to use vulgar language in front of our wild friends.

What you have just seen is not a rare occurrence here in Rocky Mountain National Park. Elk are a family and the family dynamics aren’t a lot different from that found in human families. One of the things to watch for as you view the Elk herd on your next visit is the sheer number of bull calves named Daryl. Elk are not very imaginative and tend to copy whatever the most popular cow does. So every bull calf born this year is likely to be named Daryl even if it’s father was actually named Steve. That’s just how things work here.

Road Trip

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Every once in a while we take a chance here at The Institute and do something really nice for our employees. This year we shut The Institute down completely for the entire holiday season, banked the fires, put the computers in standby, turned off the electricity to the fence, turned our livestock loose to fend for themselves, gave all of our interns a bus ticket to the last place they remember being from and The Institute went into hibernation until the New Year’s bells rang.

Now we are ramping up again. Everyone is slowly trickling back from where ever they spent the holidays. Just yesterday the bright, shiny, baby blue bus that the Sheriff’s department uses to transport prisoners hither and yon, hither being County road 56G where they cheerfully spread blacktop for the entire fortnight of the holidays, and yon, back to the tent city up near the Soapstone Wildlife Preserve where they ate sagebrush and tried not to freeze to death, dropped off the interns and two of our PhD’s that had spent the Christmas holidays in the bosom of the Larimer County Work but not release program.

Fortunately our critical employees like our chef returned a day early to get the fires built back up again. Of course he returned because we kept the back seat out of his 1968 Buick Boattail Riviera as an incentive to come back. You can not find replacements for those anywhere, I don’t care if you look on Craigslist, eBay, AutoZone, or any junkyard from here to the Philippines, they’re just not available. It’s good to see that coal-black smoke roiling out of the commissaries chimneys again. It won’t be long before the scent of coal fires and Lamprey stew and frozen dinners will coat the buildings with a thin layer of grease again. I know some of our interns cannot wait. Which is good because they’ve already chewed so much bark off the aspen I don’t know what the elk are going to eat this winter,

Our Chief of Security was also an early returnee. She had to put new brushes in the generator that keeps the fence electrified and to test fire the AR-15’s that were stored in the gun locker. Plus she just likes shooting stuff and it’s difficult to find a place where you can discharge automatic weapons with impunity. Our med staff came back because there would be a lot of cases to treat amongst the returning interns due to their living rough as they call it. Rashes, bites, broken teeth, infected tattoos, malnutrition, loss of key parts of their bodies from unknown incidents, bruises from manacles and restraints, loss of body hair from attending New Year’s parties, colds, hypo and hyper thermia, hearing loss from listening to Mother’s and other loved ones telling them to get a real job, acute disorientation, many terrible nearly untreatable diseases from those who traveled outside the country to their home of origin, and sea sickness. Our med staff is ready, in fact some of them were walking around with their rubber gloves on already.

Our animals got time off also. The wolves went up to Yellowstone to visit friends, the grizzlies that watch the far-flung perimeter of The Institute had reservations at Sandals again this year. They just can’t get enough of the Turks and Caicos, Saint Lucia and Antigua. Our resident Elk herd made the short pilgrimage to Rocky Mountain National Park to see the in-laws. Our own Bighorn Sheep herd went to visit cousins and other extended family down in the Black Mountains near Kingman Arizona. They’re a little late checking in but they were sighted on Highway 34 near Allenspark just outside of Rocky Mountain National Park where they were going to stop for a night to see friends and drop off a few Desert Bighorns who wanted to see the park first hand, or hoof as it were.

It’s always a good feeling to get The Institute back up and running. Soon we’ll be having our meetings, setting agendas and summer trips schedules, putting the interns back to work with planting and watering and hoeing. They’ll be getting that lower 160 acres planted to Rutabagas again and be busy stirring up the carp ponds. Fresh fish again, they like that. We here at The Institute hope your holidays went well and you’re back in the grind with a fresh mind and rested feet. Drop us a line when you’re not busy. Let us know how your holidays went. We’ve already heard from Aunt Pheeb. Uncle Skid got out of Rikers in time to make it home for Christmas. She didn’t even know he was in New York, he had just gone out for cigarettes, but that’s a story for another time. Have a good New Year.

Itchy, OMG Yes

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Many of you know by now that the Rut is coming up fast. We’ve got about 6-8 weeks before all hell breaks loose. For those of you new to the sport, the rut is when the bull elk go forth and begin to collect cow elk for the purpose of passing on their genetic fluids with the idea being that they will be improving the herd and the species in general. Think of it as being like Fight Game with elk sex involved. This may not be for the squeamish. But it is Nature so you’ll just have to deal with it. That or stay out of elk country for the next 2½ – 3 months, because it’ll be happening where ever elk congregate.

What you may not know is that The Institute backs several of these young bulls in the upcoming events. We stable them at our Spring training camp at Rocky Mountain National Park so it’s easy for us to keep an eye on them. We sponsor them, provide them with equipment and training, meds (but not steroid’s, none of our bulls have ever tested positive for steroids) bandages and wraps, unguents that help with velvet removal, antler polishing supplies, promote them both locally and nationally and try and position them so they move up through the ranks. Several of our better known fighters have been featured in the preliminaries at various MMA events and we hope to get one of our up and comers featured in an early ESPN covered fight mid-September. We need to cross our antlers on that one but it looks possible.

We stopped by the bull pen the other day to see how everyone was faring and found them in the usual state they’re in this time of year. Everyone is grazing like crazy trying to put on weight. They’re doing the calisthenics necessary for rapid antler growth, and they’re checking out their competition daily. Some of these guys have known each other since grade school but this will be their first real fight and the stakes are high. Not only do you get bragging rights for being the bull of the hour but the chicks, man, the chicks. They are foxes, stone cold foxes. These are the choice cows of the herd and they know it, they only join harems where the bull is Numero Uno. So the incentive is very high.

Right now though everyone is in a heightened state of awareness, full of self-doubt and insecurities and worried about how they’re going to perform.  Besides that those velvet covered antlers are itchy, like really itchy, like drive you bat-crap crazy itchy. That’s where we can help by providing that special proprietary, patent applied for, unguent developed in our labs here at The Institute. It takes the itch right out of those antlers and lets these guys get some sleep and yet enhances their strength and vitality through the proper use of chemicals. it helps them put on weight and develop incredible muscle tone and gives them that little extra edge of madness they need to really go out there and kick elk butt. It’s our job to buck them up, give them the support they need, convince them that they’re the best, and we take that very seriously.

The young bull pictured above, Twitchy, was very glad to see us. Nearly in tears in fact. He needed the unguent bad and could barely stop himself from scratching his antlers down to a nub. Of course we provided it to him, for a slight increase over our normal cut of the gate but then unguent doesn’t grow on trees you know. We’ve got expenses too.

Otherwise the prospects look pretty good for this season. There’s some big bulls out there and a lot of them got their cans kicked last year so they didn’t get a chance to spend any quality time with the ladies so they’re pumped. It won’t be long before the preliminaries start with the bulls matching up, shoving and pushing, seeing who looks weak and who they have to watch out for. This looks like a promising Rut. Now if we can just get some of those heavy-duty agents in here so we can sign some of these guys we’ll be set.

Temporary Tattoos

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It is now the accepted thing to permanently decorate your skin with a design etched into its surface with ink. These are called “tats”  or “Ink” or even “Tattoos” by those who aren’t quite with it. That would be anyone over 60 or someone raised by weasels deep in the forest. The design can be anything, from tiny little flowers and butterflies placed delicately on one’s ankle to raging south sea islander markings that cover half of one’s body. There is a trend towards getting words in Asian languages that say things like peace and tranquility in Kanji symbols. There was a story where one hapless soul wanted to get the symbol for love placed on a prominent portion of his body and when he had the resulting tattoo translated later found that it actually said “Hotel Bicycle”.

There was also a well-endowed lady who thought it would be cute as well as necessary to identify her prized possessions by placing the words “Left” and “Right” on them, of course the labels got placed on the opposite ones but apparently her need for attention got answered as she spends most of her time now explaining the situation.
What separates a spammer from a regular marketer is the way that they acquire mail addresses to mail to and how they send the mails. 

Nature has been creating tattoos for a very long time, but hers are usually temporary and transitory. Using dappled sunlight filtered through the canopy of the trees above she places the delicate tracery of leaves on a set of boulders. The stream sends its flow over the rocks surface in a vain attempt to wash them away but it is a futile gesture. Later when she is bored with her work or turns her attention to other pursuit’s the design will fade and be gone. Since there is a lot of ‘skin’ for her to work on there will be never be a shortage of new work for us to see and wonder at.

This design appeared at a small creek that found its way down the mountain next to Old Fall River Road in Rocky Mountain National Park. You can see it and many more like it anytime the sun is out.

Ma Bone

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Here is one of the legendary characters that made Rocky Mountain National Park so interesting in the 40’s and 50’s. Those of you who follow park politics will have no doubt heard of the famous Ma Bone, herd organizer, wily politician and party line enforcer who ran the 5th ward with an iron jaw and sharp front hooves. The 5th ward as you know extends from the rich area of Horseshoe meadow, south through Beaver Meadows and encompasses most of Moraine park and is considered the prime grazing land of the park.

She got her name from her habit of carrying a bone around in her mouth and was seldom seen without it. There are many stories floating about as to what was the origin of the bone habit. Some say it is part of a leg bone from an early opponent, others say she got the habit because she was hooked on calcium. What ever the real reason was Ma Bone never said. And you didn’t ask Ma Bone twice.

During the turbulent heydays of the 40’s Ma Bone controlled the distribution of hay that was fed to the nearly starving elk herds in the winter and access to prime aspen groves in the summer. Payoffs were common and fortunes were made for her and her cronies at the expense of the rank and file. Those who objected to her iron rule often found themselves blacklisted to the poorer grazing areas along the park’s borders and if they fell out of favor far enough were often forced out onto public lands during hunting season. This was tantamount to a death sentence and just the mention of it had most elk towing the line.

She was considered a Kingmaker and many high-ranking herd bulls owed their status to Ma Bone patronage. They came to Ma asking for favors which she may or may not grant. This came at a price however and many bulls were forced into acting as Ma’s enforcers when rivals threatened.  Ma bone controlled the lucrative distribution of cow elk and even the largest bulls would tip their antlers to her for the most favorable picks of the herd. Whether they kept them or not depended on their skills in the arena but first they paid homage to Ma Bone.

She was a force to be reckoned with throughout her tenure which lasted for nearly twenty years. Towards the end of her reign a collection of young cows formed a cabal and decided that Ma Bone had outlived her usefulness. Jealous of her power and greedy for the money that could be made they formed a plan, telling Ma that there was a meeting of the heads of the different districts about redrawing the lines dividing the park and redistricting it into new configurations, and it looked like Ma was going to lose a large part of the Moraine. Incensed that someone might try and reduce her influence and power she headed to the proposed meeting site, forgetting that it was opening day of gun season for anyone with a cow tag. Before she realized that there was no meeting and this was a trick she was gunned down by a first time hunter who had no idea of who she was. An ignoble end to a larger than life character.

As you might imagine there was a huge amount of turbulence and upheaval after her death, and in the resulting chaos the park department stepped in and through judicial fencing and relocating portions of the herd there was never an opportunity for another Ma Bone. Her time had passed nearly as quickly as she did, and now there are few elk in the park that even remember her name. Fortunately The Institute owns this last known image of her and it resides in our archives. It is brought out occasionally as a centerpiece for our Unusual Characters show in the South gallery. Stop by and see it in person if you’re in the area.

Elk Don’t Just Happen

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Many times while walking through Rocky Mountain National Park I have heard children ask “Mommy, where do elk come from?” and mommy would reply “Uhmmmm, Just a minute honey.” while she thought up a good explanation. But mommies, while good-intentioned, often have their facts mixed up. Especially city mommies. The ones that think that milk comes from the 7-11. So they reach out there and pull something out of their Mother’s Book of Tricks handbook they all carry with them everywhere.

She will often hesitate to answer for a while thinking that junior or junioress will get sidetracked or because of their short little attention spans will simply forget they asked the question and mommy is off the hook. However there is always that one little precocious child that will say “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!” at the top of their shrill little voices until mom has to choose between infanticide and answering and will come up with a plausible, if off the wall answer.

In this case her response was “well honey, elk just don’t happen you know…” as she launched into her tale of where elk come from. She began by telling about how elk were a natural occurrence in the park but occasionally due to accidents, murder, kidnapping, being lured away for better jobs at higher pay by some of the bigger parks, yes, we’re looking at you Yellowstone, or simply falling over dead from a heart attack, they had to be replenished.

This is done by a  process called “New Elk Appearing Out of Thin Air Kind of Magically” and is a secret way the park Rangers have of ordering up new elk to replace the ones that go away. “Remember how Flatus, your goldfish went away while HelloKitty was playing with him? Well it’s kind of like that.” But the Rangers have a way cooler process they use. They have planted special trees throughout the park so that when they need new elk they water the tree with some special water, and soon big pods form on the trees and when they’re ready, the pods fall on the ground and pop open, and guess what comes out? That’s right new elk! As you can see over there by that big green tree they have just hatched six new elk.

I listened in awe as this woman, whom we shall call Mommy, completely pulled this story out of her you know what and told it to the munchkin with a completely straight face. She was incredible and I was completely smitten with her intellect. When I had the chance I told her how I admired her ingenuity she looked at me and said “What, it doesn’t happen that way?” and walked away.

Now I’m not sure if she was kidding or telling the truth so I asked the Ranger about it and he said “Oh Yeah, that’s how we do it. ” then went off to ticket someone who was trying to feed one of the elk a pop tart. I’ve thought about this quite a bit and it all seems a little glib to me so I’m asking any of you Moms out there for your thoughts on this. Was she telling the truth or was this an elaborate mommy thing done to avoid having “the Talk”. Please send any responses to The Director, at The Institute as soon as you can. Thanks