Christmas Gift Selection # 9 For 2017 – 5 lb. Ham

ham   5 lb. Ham

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections when we remember to do so in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time making new stuff up. Enjoy.

The Original One Of A Kind, Never before offered to the American Public, still in its original metal wrapper, It’s *The Institutes very own

5 lb. Ham

This is a very special item for the next to last gift choosing day. You’ve all heard the old joke about the guy who comes to his boss and says “I have to attend a ( Polish**) wedding and I need the weekend off.”

The boss says sure and two weeks later the guy comes into the office and the boss says “hey, you asked for the weekend off to got to a wedding and it’s two weeks later. Where you been?”

The guy says “They had a drawing and I won 2nd place, which was two weeks in Hawaii with the bride.” The boss says “Two weeks with the bride! Geez! What was first place?”

The guy says “A 5lb ham.”

Well, this is that ham! This is the original 5lb. ham awarded to that 1st place winner at that Polish wedding way back then and we got it! What are the odds? It was never opened because the winner knew that this was going to be history. That ham, that 5 lb. ham, would eventually be enshrined in the halls of legendary humor. Our gift researchers found it on eBay and bought it just for this round of gifts. This makes Monet’s Bridge look like a stocking stuffer. There is only one of these and it’s only available here.

Now each of has that one joke that we heard, probably way back in the pre-sexist, pre-politically correct era of humor, before every knee-jerk, thin skinned, I need my fifteen minutes of fame even if it costs you your right to free speech, humor regulator started whining about their feelings getting hurt. Some were about people, some were about sex, some were political or religious things, some were rights of passage things that taught you about life in general even if they were offensive to someone. They were funny, shocking, stick in your mind jokes that etched themselves indelibly into your humor center. Ever been somewhere people watching and you see someone start laughing for no reason at all, then look around guiltily to see if anyone was watching, they’re remembering a joke exactly like this. We all have them. So if you laughed at this one just before your politically correct monitor kicked in, you’re not a bad person. You’re just normal.

Man! You got to be excited about this one. That joke has had to have been told for 50 years. I remember snorting milk out of my nose the first time I heard it. It was in the mess hall at the Naval hospital on Guam. We were fighting one of those wars that wasn’t that funny and needed anything that would make us laugh to take away the days horrors. This is like one of those moments when someone asks you where were you when Kennedy got shot. You remember. If we seem a little excited about this gift choice it’s because we get a lot of stuff in here that is one of a kind, or really special, or unique even fancy, but this, the original 5lb. ham from that wedding, well it’s priceless. In fact you know what? I’m not even going to sell it to you. I’m keeping it. I just wanted to show it to you so you tell your grandkids you saw the original 5lb. ham.

So there you are. NO gift today, just history.

Original Legendary 5lb Ham   NFS    because it’s priceless.

Note from the Director: I would like to take this moment to let you all know that we here at The Institute, and that of course includes me the Director, the head PooBah, do not condone any Politically Incorrect humor at all. We realize that what may be funny to the majority of Americans may cause some individuals with a limited sense of humor to feel uncomfortable. If Polock jokes make you feel kind of weird like you might want to laugh when you hear them, but you think you really shouldn’t, we want you to know that we feel your pain. Just know that in some parts of the country like “Wisconsin” the Pollock’s tell Belgian jokes, but they’re not nearly as funny as Polock jokes. In fact in Chicago and other parts of Illinois they tell “Cheesehead” jokes but those, those are really not funny and should be stopped at once. As an ex-Wisconsonian I can tell you those are mean, humorless jokes and should be banned. The joke related above is simply a reporting of humorous fact as it was presented back in the heyday of humor, like when we were kids, when you could laugh at whatever you wanted to and it wasn’t meant in a mean-spirited way, which reminds me of another story about when A Rabbi, A Priest and a Duck walk into a bar….. but then that’s a story for another day.


** Insert the nationality of your choice here that you’d like to slander, I like Polish because I’m part Polish on my sister’s side and proud of it, but you can use any nationality you think is funny.

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

Last Hole




It was late in the afternoon and we were approaching the 18th hole of the Grand Canyon Industrial Golf course when Guillermo Louis Alejandro Marquesas-Expando approached the tee and set up to take his shot on this 975 yard par 3 hole. The sun was setting quickly and we had a small bet on who make it to the green at all, par not withstanding.

Guillermo or Ed as we called him, was the director of our Spanish division of The Institute. He had been selected for his experience, intelligence and primarily because he spoke Spanish reasonably well and worked cheap. Due to some unresolved legal difficulties with the Spanish government he was unable to find employment elsewhere, something to do with unexplained expenditures of funds allocated for public works or something. It was hard to understand him sometimes when he got nervous. But we chose to look at his largest contribution instead, which was his ability to speak Spanish. Many of our previous directors had not had this advantage and it caused no end of difficulties with the locals. It’s hard to get things done when you’re yelling firmly directing your research people in Polish or Vietnamese and they only speak Castilian. Things began to run smoothly after we acquired Mr. Marquesas-Expando and proper research began to stream out of the former Francisco Franco School for Wayward Spaniards that is now known as El Instituto. We felt lucky to have him.

Ed completed his set up, took a few practice swings and then leaned into it getting a good solid hit that unfortunately took a severe slice to the left and into the rough. This was a tough break because as you can see above the rough was really rough. We had been playing by strict rules and the rule was you played the ball from where it lay or lose a stroke. Since our little bet was if Ed won he went home first class, but if he lost he went home in a crate down in steerage. Ed chose to play the ball where it was.

That was back in December of 2009 and as of now we haven’t heard from Ed. Every once in a while we get a report of some one hearing a faint shout of “Fore!” echoing up out of the canyon but that could just be the wind. Every year since we go back and play a round in memory of Ed or Guillermo Louis Alejandro Marquesas-Expando as he liked to be called. Some of us, well I guess it’s only me, believe that one day we’ll see that shiny white Titleist with his name engraved on it, come sailing up over the edge of the rough to land on the green. So far it hasn’t. It’s a nice outing anyway.