Christmas Gift selection # 6 For 2017 – Your Very Own National Park

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Rocky Mountain National Park Colorado

Note: This is a repost of one of our Top Ten Gifts for the discerning buyer originally published in December of 2013, a year that will live in infamy. In what has become a half-assed tradition here at The Institute we have been irregularly reposting these now famous gift selections at this time of year when we remember to do so, in a lame attempt to create a Holiday Tradition and mostly because we suddenly realize it’s Christmas time and we don’t have squat done as far as writing new stuff. It’s fun and we don’t have to spend the time taxing our limited sense of originality making that new stuff up. Enjoy.

Your Very Own National Park!!!

Here it is, your chance to own a National Park known the world over for its scenery and wildlife with no strings attached. That’s right, you would be the sole owner! Keep it like it is, Develop it, Scrape it and put up a better one, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. What an incredible gift this will make for that special person on your list. This National park has it all, towering majestic 14,000′ peaks, the mountains that scrape the sky, teeming wildlife populations that include huge free-roaming elk herds, black bear, owls, eagles, marmots and chipmunks, fish, 11 coyotes, some beaver, Bighorn Sheep, and a pika.

How can this be? you ask. Well what most people don’t know is that *The Institute has a real estate division that often contracts with the Federal government to dispose of property it no longer wants. We were contacted by the Department of Interior to conduct a sale of this National Park due to policy changes that no longer emphasized the focus on Nature and it’s attractions. Since the downturn and sequestering and the lack of attention to the American publics wants and needs it has been decided to liquidate some of our most popular Natural attractions to show our willingness to be fiscally responsible. While this may be disturbing to the few who actually like Nature it is an incredible opportunity for one of you, or a group if you decide to pool your lunch money, to own a huge part of American history, not to mention acreage.

This National Park, which we can not name at this time due to federal regulations, but whose initials are Rocky Mountain National Park, will be offered for sale beginning this week by closed auction. Opening bids start at $20.00 and will continue until we decide that’s enough money and close the sale. Since the Director will have the final say and this is a private sale open only to people we like or that have an impressive amount of money, foreign governments welcomed, any considerations made to the Director personally will be taken into consideration ( for clarification contact the Director at his private number, all offers confidential )  in deciding when to close the sale.

This sale includes the National Park, all 265,761 acres, it’s infrastructure including all buildings, roads, water rights, lakes, ponds and puddles and necessary fencing, any personal effects left by departing staff members, all wild life including any offspring born to said park wildlife outside the boundaries of the park, the food service court located at the visitor center on Trail ridge road, all other concessions connected to the park, anything with the name Rocky Mountain National Park on it, the right to charge admission to enter and set regulations regarding that visit, if you desire to continue allowing access by the public that is, the ability to retain any proceeds from the sale of items left in the lost and found department and other perks to numerous to mention.

Bidding begins at noon December 24th and ends at 12:00am December 31st. Winning bid will be announced January 15th, 2014. All bids are to be in cash or bearers bonds, presented directly to the Director of The Institute by the end of business on December 31st, 2013 and are non-refundable. The Director has sole authority to determine winner in case of tying bids. So here’s your chance to really suck up to the guy. Any inducements no matter how lewd will be entertained. Title will be conveyed by an act of Congress sometime in the future.

National Park bidding begins at $20.00

Take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and bid early and often. If you aren’t successful on this property there is the possibility that two more properties are on the block for later disposal. We can’t disclose which two but think Big Ditch and Geysers and you’ll be close.

Merry Christmas everyone!

* Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.

No Solicitations

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Owls are *day sleepers, which means they work at night and sleep during the day. Because it is difficult to get to sleep during the day and then stay asleep once you do, they are very unforgiving of interruptions. That’s why they post signs all around their nests saying things like “Do Not Disturb” or “Hey! I’m Sleeping here!” or “Beware of the Dog” or “Owl Resting. Don’t even Think about it.” and other notices to make sure it is not disturbed. Because once you disturb an owl it gets, well, owly.

Owly, is a phrase my grandmother, the big one, or big grandma as she was known in the family, compared to little grandma, the small one, who ironically was actually the larger of the two size-wise, (their names had more to do with the volume of said grandmas more than anything else, but never mind that’s a story for another time), would use to warn us that she was aware of our chronic inability to behave, and that she was about to inflict some form of punitive action if we didn’t just stop it. Whatever it was. “You kids are too damn owly. Stop it or I’ll shave your heads again!” One tried but usually failed to behave enough to not get tagged with the owly accusation. I think that may be why I have difficulty maintaining a full head of hair today. Or to be able to look a straight razor in the eye again.

This owl lives in a cemetery where one would think that there would be a surplus of quiet. However that’s not the case. First, lots of people know that the owl lives there and will stop by regularly thinking that whatever they had on their minds was of sufficient importance that it warranted letting the owl know what it was. It wasn’t and the owl being by nature owly, let them know about it in no uncertain terms. So you’re saying to yourself  ” Uhm, hey. That owl is looking directly at you.” and my reply is “Yeah, but…”  I didn’t wake it up I just happened by right after a bunch of Moonies had rung the owl’s bell and tried to convert it. That and the playing of those drums and singing the same thing over and over again did nothing to improve the owls mood. Owls have their own religious beliefs and do not take kindly to zealots trying to change its mind, especially at two PM in the afternoon. Which as you know is their middle of the night. This was taken right after it had hacked up one of those big hairy owl pellets that it can spit with unerring accuracy and scattered said Moonies in every direction. It did look directly at me but having been a day sleeper in another life, I simply gave it the secret hand sign used between all day sleepers and went on my way. I know how hard it is to get great hairy owl pellet stains out of your cashmere sports coat.

Word of caution then, if you happen to stumble onto an owls nest in the daytime, take heed of those signs, leave that owl be. It has no interest in what you have to say. No matter what you may think. It means it when it says No Solicitations.

*For further information on “Day Sleepers” please see the following posts. http://www.bigshotsnow.com/day-sleeper/  and  http://www.bigshotsnow.com/day-sleepers/ 

 

 

They Eat Turkey, Right?

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A dialogue about Thanksgiving between Gary and Dick, the Red Canyon owls.

You know what the day after tomorrow is, right?

No, What is it?

It’s a day the humans call Thanksgiving.

So what

Don’t you know what they’re thankful for?

Un unh

They’re thankful because it’s a day they get to eat birds.

What! They eat birds? Holy crap! I just made a white spot on this rock. Umm… so like what kind of birds

I’m not real sure but I know Turkeys get real nervous about now.

You think they eat Turkeys? What about other birds, they don’t eat Owls do they?

I don’t think so but if they start handing out extra mice, don’t take any.

How do you know all this stuff?

Mom told me. She said they all get together, get a turkey, cut it’s head off, pull off all of its feathers, then cook it whole. They burn them until the skin crackles.

Get the  out of here. You’re just trying to get me to wet my feathers.

No bro, mom said. Go tell her you don’t believe they eat birds on Thanksgiving. See what she does. She’ll have your goofy butt out there stacking pellets so fast.

I’m really scared Gary. What if they want to eat owls.

I think we’re ok Dick, just don’t make any gobbling noises or wear that fake wattle you were screwing around with the other day. Also we can fly real good and Turkey’s can barely get their fat butts off the ground.

I know, but let’s go hide anyway. Where’s mom?

I may Be A Pig But I Love You

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“I may be a pig, but I love you”. That’s what we heard, that and other porcine endearments that were floating in the air at Bosque del Apache wildlife refuge as these two Javelina displayed their affection for each other in open courtship. It was a surprise to find them at the refuge as Bosque del Apache is primarily known for birds. Snow geese, Ross’ goose, Sandhill cranes and the occasional Tundra swan, not to mention every variety of Hawk and eagle, egret and duck, owls, pigeons, goatsuckers and songbird you can imagine.

But not Javelinas. Especially not Javelinas in love. It was unmistakable, they were unabashedly involved with each other, rubbing their flat little pink snouts together, snuffling, standing side by side and stroking each others back with their necks, giggling and muttering little piggy names to each other as they made plans for Javelina trysts.

As we watched they continued as if we were not there, oblivious to everything but each other. When their passion reached a fever pitch they would discretely move off into the brush to be alone then come back out trying to act as if nothing had happened. Yeah, right, we knew. They couldn’t hide it. Like we couldn’t tell that they were Javelinas in love. Occasionally they would stop and watch us for a moment or two, pose for pictures, then become enraptured with each other again and head for the brush. Finally it just became embarrassing and we left.

Spring is slowly coming and with it signs of love are everywhere. If you go south from Colorado in a straight line you will eventually encounter Spring. It will be a solid line that stretches roughly east to west. On one side of it, usually the south side, you will see flowers, and bees messing around, and song birds making suggestive sounds to each other, and lots of love, and on the other side, normally the north side, you will find snow and cold and brown grass, grumpy people and very little love. Right now that line is about twenty miles north of the Mexican border, however each and every day it moves north a little bit. But soon, uh huh, soon it will make its way north toward us and maybe you even, and it will be bringing you-know-what with it. That’s right, Pigs in Love.

Now before you get the wrong idea, it’s not just pigs that get in love, it ‘s everything. Name a creature and when spring hits it, it’s in love. You have to be careful your very own self when you go outside in spring because it doesn’t play favorites, if you’re in the way it’s going to hit you, and before you know it, Whammo Sammo you’re in love and probably out in the bushes somewhere. You’ve been warned, if it can get pigs it can get you. So watch out.

Bryce Canyon Forest

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I’ve been meaning to show you the forest at Bryce Canyon National Park for a long time. It won’t take very long because this is it. Yup, all of it. 10 trees. And three of them are dead. You would think with all the taxes we pay to maintain our national parks that they could afford a few more trees. Jeez, Home Depot and Wal-Mart have sales all the time. In fact Home Depot has a Black Hills Spruce Evergreen in its own pot for 7.97, and a Cleveland Select Pear tree for 89.98, and a one quart Canadian Hemlock Christmas tree for 6 bucks on sale. Even Lowes has a 3-gal Southern Magnolia that will grow to 80′ for 24.95 and it comes with a three-year guarantee.

I mean, this is just embarrassing. To have one of our showpiece National parks with its own National forest and it only has 10 trees. You have got to be kidding. I guarantee if you go to Russia right this minute and look at their biggest National park, Siberia, they have over a gazillion billion quadrillion trees. They have so many they cut them down just for fun. They have a whole village called Bogorodskoe, I am not making this up, devoted to making wooden toys out of trees for like the last 600 years and they’re nowhere close to running out of trees. You’d have a hard time making a good supply of toothpicks out of our 10 trees.

OK, I didn’t mean to go off like that, it’s just whenever I see injustice I have to stand up and call a Ponderosa a Ponderosa. This is a national embarrassment and no one seems to be concerned about it. And to make matters worse, as if that could happen, I’ve been told that the big timber companies are lobbying Washington right now to log in Bryce Canyon. That’s right, to log in Bryce canyon. They feel with the price of lumber being what it is they can go in there with their big logging trucks and bulldozers and their hairy lumberjacks with their gang-saws and lunch buckets and take out those 10 trees and make a profit. Well I don’t know if that scares you, it scares the hell out of me.

We don’t even have any owls, spotted or otherwise, that like to live in these trees here in Bryce because they are too far apart. Owls want togetherness and neighbors to hoot at. So if those timber companies win we don’t even have an excuse to try and save those trees. I’m glad I got a picture of the forest when I did. Who knows how long it will be before there won’t be even those 10 trees to photograph. If things keep heading this way before you know it we’ll be friends with the Cubans again. No, that’s probably going too far, I mean, that could never happen.

Wish I had better news folk, but we call them like we see ’em here at *The Institute. If this makes you mad go to Home Depot or Lowes and buy a tree. Any kind of tree. Ship it to Bryce and say “Plant it.” maybe they’ll get the message. We can’t let those ex-commies have all the glory. Let’s make America great again.

*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled The Institute on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining regarding The Institute after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Never mind. Return to your daily activities. Thank you for your support.