Yeah I Ate The Peaches

This being an Instrument of Recording of the Interrogation of Private William K Norrich, known also as Billy the Grip, a devious peculator and boundless defalcator who did on June 27, 1864 make his way surreptitiously and with malice aforethought to enter the food storage area for the Colorado 11th Regiment, 5th Company, 3rd Platoon, to steal supplies for the regiment for his own nefarious ends. Namely four (4) 5 gallon tins of peaches reserved for the officers mess, the entire supply for the regiment.

This enlisted man, Private William K Norrich, who has a record of many infractions and disciplinary notations in his personel file, including being AWOL during encounters with the enemy saying he did not understand the commands of his platoon leader believing that the command to charge meant run away; being drunk on watch; raising dissention in the ranks by complaining of the food served in the enlisted men’s mess by voicing loud and boisterous derogatory remarks about the lack of peaches for the troops; refusing to obey lawful orders from his superiors by pretending to be deaf and incontinent; plus numerous other infractions, did enter the food storage area and pilfer the containers of peaches taking the entire supply, depriving his Officers of their expected deserts.

Private William K Norrich was discovered after he reported to the camp surgeon complaining of gastrointestinal distress. The Officer of the day, LTJG Millard K Ordom was notified after it was determined that the private’s symptoms were due to being impacted by peach pits. He was remanded to the brig after recovering from a treatment of lemons, figs and castor oil to obtain the evidence of his crime. When asked if he was the culprit of the theft his only reply was “Yeah, I Ate The Peaches.” also stating “They was good.” Due to the lack of remorse of the charged we recommend a Summary Court Martial as soon as the prisoner can walk.

Signed as investigating officer, LTJG Millard K Ordom this day June 29th, 1864

Bear In The Saddle

It’s Spring time here at The Institute and the land is waking up. The grass is greening, there’s fresh new leaves on all the foliage, there is warmth in the sunshine as it lights up the meadow floors, and our resident Border Patrol members are checking back in.

As we have mentioned in the past we use a highly trained specialized group of Ursus Americanus or the American Black bear to patrol our inner borders around the campus here at The Institute to discourage tourists, intruders, interns from leaving, and anyone not authorized to be on the grounds. All of the other members of the team had checked in and were patrolling their territories except for our bear that patrols the western edge of the campus.

This would be Edith Halfway Jones. Edith was supposed to have checked in back on May 5th but she was a no-show and was placed on our AWOL list and was scheduled for termination, of her job, not of herself, had she not shown up by the 15th.

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This is what the innermost border of the campus looks like from the main building of The Institute. This little saddle is a little over ¼ mile away and is the closest boundary that protects the main campus area. There are several more boundaries that extend out to the utmost edge of The Institute’s grounds many miles away. One of interns on watch yelled down from the observation tower “Bear in the saddle!” excitedly, then “It looks like Edith!”

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We quickly went to the primary optical bear recording device set up to keep watch over our Border patrol and extended it to its fullest reach of 800mm and could see that it was indeed Edith and  that she was busy stuffing her face with new grass and looking rather fatigued. Normally she would be in a focused no-nonsense pose with an attitude of “Don’t  even think about coming in here.”. But that wasn’t the case today.

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She was acting peculiar since she had been spotted and we were concerned that perhaps she was off her feed or in some sort of funk, or maybe just burned out. That happens in a high-stress job such as hers. She kept looking over to a stand of trees and we thought, OK here ‘s our first contact with a trespasser this year, and bets were already being made on the number of pieces we’d find in the morning.

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Then she went over to one of the trees next to the saddle and we were saying to each other “Hiding up there ain’t going to help that guy. Edith can climb like a Rhesus when she wants to” and sure enough up the tree she went. We were focusing our sound recorders on the tree waiting for the screams that usually followed Edith climbing into the tree, but instead we got a big surprise.

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She came back down with a little bear. A very small one in fact. “Where’d she get that ?” one of the interns asked. We sent him down to the Nurse who explained very clearly where Edith got that and he was properly mortified. Some of the young female interns were picking at the buttons on his shirt and talking quietly to him which seemed to make matters worse for the poor soul, especially when they would say something then giggle. This explained a lot of things. Why Edith looked peaked and run down. Why she didn’t act like her old self. Why she was irritable and impatient about turning in her reports. We wondered how it was going to work out with a single mother doing a full-time job and caring for little Fleabert too, but we needn’t have worried.

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Edith is a trooper and a dedicated employee. She found a place to hide Little Fleabert, stopped to test the wind and get the lay of the land, then went off to make her rounds. Everyone gave a quiet but heartfelt cheer and watched as she went over the far side of the saddle to quietly but efficiently do her job. We all slept better last night.

Virgin Morning

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If you’ve noticed your spirits lagging behind you lately, or perhaps they’ve simply gone AWOL, you’re due for a trip to Zion and the Virgin river. It doesn’t matter what time of year you decide to go, the important thing is that you do. Maybe you’ve been cooped up in a tiny little place that is filled with nothing but work, or you’ve been restricted to going from one boring but ugly place to another and haven’t lifted your head up lately because it’s just too depressing, if so don’t despair there is help nearby. Just jump in the car and go to Zion. Hitchhike if you have to. Call your crazy Uncle Skid and say “You up for a road trip?” He will be. But go. It’s for your own good.

This image was taken a little later in the morning, like nearly 11:00. The canyon here is so deep that it takes that long for the sun to climb high enough to light up the river. This is perfect if you OD’d on pizza the night before and could not get your big butt out of bed for anything short of maybe more pizza. The magic of Zion takes into account all the reasons you might have for not maintaining a proper schedule as it says “Look, it’s ok if you slept in. It’s ok that you feel like the ass-end of an ape. We’ve saved something really special just for you.Be happy.” and here it is.
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As an  extra bonus Zion will throw in the quiet murmuring of the river as it glides between its banks, the cool feeling of the boulders as you sit and listen to the songs of the birds, and the rich deep colors of the sun on the water. How you going to say no to that. Come on, you know you want to. See you there.

 

 

Announcement !

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It’s that time of year again here at The Institute, Christmas time, when we send out our roving reporters to find out what the flora and fauna are doing over the holidays. This year we find that we don’t have any roving reporters to send out and rove because the reporters we sent roving last year haven’t come back yet. We thought at least a couple of them would make it back and although it’s only been a year, I’m beginning to think we may have lost them. You know what that means. The Director, in the form of yours truly, will have to go in their place and do a job of work.

I know there was a lot of discontent amongst the troops after the Pulitzers were given out this year and we were ignored yet AGAIN! by the establishment press but that’s no reason to not only go AWOL, but to stay that way. That’ s like AWOL and a half, or AWOL². But as they say in show business, damn it to hell those rat bast…, I mean, the Blog must go on, and so it will. It may be a little more disjointed than usual, perhaps some days where there won’t be any posting at all, but one way or the other we’ll try our mediocre best.

Because I’m going to have to go out and actually work that means I won’t be here to wish you all the very Merriest of Christmas’s and the Happiest of New Years. The plan is to be back right after the 1st of the year but that depends on whether or not any trouble happens, and since we don’t seem to be able to walk across the street without trouble happening that may be a crap shoot. But we’ll try.

So again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Sincerely, The Director.