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We’ve had some distressing news recently from our resident photographer who is trapped in the confines of Yellowstone National Park due to the furloughing of all the park gatekeepers and with them their keys to the gates.

Our young photographer, a marginally compensated researcher, who had never been further into the wilderness than City Park has been left to fend for herself amongst the wild hungry creatures that share her plight. Les Firgotin, who is named after her great-uncle Lester B. Firgotin, is worried that no one will remember she is stuck up there in the wilds of Yellowstone and that she will suffer the same fate as that of her great-uncle, old what’s his name, who unfortunately was forgotten and never heard from again.

Les had regularly been sending photos and dramatic descriptions of her trials and tribulations via her cell phone until we advised her to knock off the whining and just use her limited battery to send us images of the wild animals that may be attacking her. After all she was getting paid to take pictures, not waste our time and battery power describing her minor misfortunes. As pitiful as her situation became, and to hear some of her outlandish stories they must be pretty miserable, we need images. We have to make a buck here or we all get fed to the wolves.

This is the final image she sent and completely disregarding our instructions she included a fantastical story about being reduced to eating the red leaves of this shrub to stay alive. Unfortunately for her it was also the favorite meal of this large, hairy, slavering creature. According to her she had to fight this bear for the grazing rights using nothing but her nail file and a .357 to protect her only source of nourishment, these red leaves of the “Inritus Irritus” plant. We put little stock in this story because we have checked her inventory list that all of our field people have to fill out before they head out into the field and there are no cartridges listed for a .357. Consequently we think this is just  a ruse to get us to send her food or something.

All of us here at the Institute think very highly of our field agents, unless they whine too much or try to play on our sympathy, and we want them to be safe and moderately well-fed. This furloughing and possible shutdown of our government has got to stop. Things are getting serious if you can believe Les Firgotin, who has been apparently reduced to eating leaves and bugs and stuff and having to fight off hairy bears for her very subsistence.

After having our security people run some forensic tests on the voicemail that accompanied her last image we have determined that there may be some validity to her claims of hunger (we’re not buying into the bear story yet though) and so we have contacted some do-gooders up in West Yellowstone to go to the main entrance gate and throw a sandwich over the barrier for her.

Hopefully this misbegotten bunch of yo-yo’s running our government will end this fiasco soon. We can’t keep calling up to West Yellowstone to get this photographer of ours fed. We’re maxing out our minutes on our calling plan as it is and we are not equipped here to pay overage charges. We work on non-existent government funds too.

This whole mess puts us in a hell of a fix, we may have to begin going into our archives for images if this keeps up rather than posting fresh new pictures. And you folks deserve better than that. So if you see old fuzzy nasty grainy pictures appearing on this page you should immediately stop what you are doing and write your representatives in Washington and tell them to knock this crap off. You’re sick of it, we’re sick of it and enough is enough.

Update: Apparently someone flying a civilian drone over parts of the park has found a message stamped into the snow saying “Feed Me”. We can only hope it is Les. We know you join us in our concern and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it too if she lives. Thank you on her behalf.