The Thousand Yard Stare

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Well, it’s time to go see Loretta again. She’s in that burrow out there near the tree line. Man I wish that wasn’t so far away. I still have the scars from that Redtail the last time I went there. It took nearly all winter for the hair to grow back. If it was any one else but Loretta I’d say screw it but I been thinking about her all Spring and she has been flicking her tail this way every time she sees me.

Everybody has been saying that coyote, Ringo, has been crossing through the area nearly every morning. Arrogant bastard, calling himself Ringo, that jerk doesn’t look anything like a drummer. I heard he ate Constance just a few days ago. That’s pretty pathetic she could hardly move anyway, what with that arthritis. He must be slowing down if he’s taken to eating grandma’s now. I think I can out run him if I get a fair head start.

Ok then, that’s it, I’m going for it. Wish me luck.

Back Then

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Back then, when it got Summer, really Summer, when everything was green and hot and you were out of school until months away, like September, the middle of September even, and you were too young for a job, you did really cool stuff.

You had buddies, not hundreds like you get on Facebook now but never see, but maybe two or three and they were your best buddies, BFF hadn’t even been invented yet but what you had was even better, you knew these guys and you’d do every thing with them. You were in the same class with them at school, you rode the bus together and you lived within a mile of each one of them. You didn’t text them about getting together, you jumped on your fat tire, repainted with a brush because you didn’t have enough money to buy spray paint, Roadmaster single speed bike and you headed over to their house to get them. A lot of times you met them on the road as they were coming over to get you.

Your bikes were your transportation. They were the magic vehicles that gave you the freedom to do anything you wanted to. Like meet up with your buds and ride the five miles into town and go to scouts. Everybody that was cool would be a Boy Scout. Going down the big hill into town when you were going like 85 miles an hour your uniform neckerchief would be streaming straight out behind you and you were Parnelli Jones or Mario Andretti and nobody could catch you. If was cold out you would pull your neckerchief up over your nose like some body from  the Hole-in-the-wall gang. Coming home at night afterwards was always an adventure. It’d be dark and if you tipped your generator down so it rested on your front wheel you’d shoot a beam of light out 30′ or so. If you pedaled fast that is. We’d normally get home a lot faster than we had going down there.

Our bikes were not just any old bikes. They were an extension of yourself. You could read a guy and size him up just by checking out his bike. If he didn’t have streamers on his handle bars and the light and generator package and a very cool paint job. He was a dork and we’d pedal away from him so nobody thought we were dweebs too. Because we lived in the country we all had BB guns. The three of us even had scabbards set right behind the seat so we could carry our guns with us on expeditions. Mine was a Daisy Model 25 Shotgun Pump Lever model where you poured almost half a tube of bb’s into the tube under the barrel and then pumped it up until you couldn’t pull the lever back once more. At that point you could have dropped a Rhino at 20′ if you’d a found one. The other guys had Daisy Red Ryder lever-action model 1938 style BB guns. In fact I had one before my pump-action but I traded it to my buddy for a bull whip which I used to promptly break my glasses because I hadn’t learned to snap it right. We all had a much greater respect for Lash LaRue after that. My mom told me I coulda lost an eye until I was way into my 20’s after that one.

But the very best of times were when we would put together a pack and tie our big old Army surplus kapok sleeping bags on the back of our bikes and head off into the wilderness, or what passed for it in Northern Wisconsin at the time. We’d take off and find a creek somewhere, we had a good one where there was a little bend in it and it got deep enough you could actually paddle around for a few yards yet stand up quick if water got up your nose, set up camp in the trees where there hadn’t been too many cows and be Mountain Men until the food ran out, or somebody got hurt, or the farmer caught us and ran us out of there. But those were good times. The best actually.

We’d build a fire pit with rocks all around it and use dry twigs and limbs for the fire, we were scouts after all, we had this stuff down. Then we’d get in our sleeping bags and talk way into the night about all the stuff we were going to do when we got big. Tim was going to be a guy that traveled all over the world exploring and finding neat stuff, except that as it turned out he joined the Army, deserted, holed up with his girlfriend and had a shoot out with the Army cops and was sent to Leavenworth. That made the National news, Don’t know where he is now. Glen wanted to be a farmer like his dad, but wound up being a teacher in a grade school somewhere, as the milk prices tanked and they had to sell off the herd, and me, I went off to find my fortune out in the world. The jury ‘s still out on how that turned out.

But back then things were different. We read comics on Saturday afternoons. Going over to one another’s houses to see the new ones that each of us had gotten since the last time we were together. We had stacks of them, huge stacks, so many our mom’s would threaten to burn them if we left them out. We’d hang out after supper until it was so dark your mom would come out and yell into the neighborhood. “You better get home if you know what’s good for you.” That usually meant you had another half hour. If your dad came out and yelled. You went home right then. Running. We hadn’t had much to do with girls yet, but we talked about them non-stop. What we thought they did when they were home. Why they were so weird. Did you think you’d ever hang out with one and if so which one. Lots of fist fights almost happened over that one as you brought up a name of someone your buddy secretly liked..

But mostly we just hung out. You had your buddies. Somebody to laugh with, tell your strange thoughts to, walk down the over-heated blacktop roads to school with, the pavement so hot it stuck to your tennis shoes and you finally had to walk in the grass along side of the road so you didn’t burn your feet up. Going to the store and getting a twin pop that you’d break in half and give half to your bud. We’d flip for who was going to pay the nickel. Sharing that you couldn’t wait to get to high school so you could get girls but you were secretly pretty scared about that. After your buddy teased you for being a wimp until you almost punched him in his dumb face he would admit that it scared him too. But you each swore you’d never tell anybody else that.

It was different, back then.

How Avocets Drink

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*The Institute just got word that were Avocets up at Hutton Lake in Wyoming and they were drinking. Now to most of you this is a so what, snore, yeah, kind of thing but to us it’s a really big deal. We have an entire department devoted to all things birds. How they work, what their middle names are, can you eat them, what makes them different from Homo sapiens or web-footed ungulates. Anything and everything birds. We’re like the CNN of this stuff.

Our bird or Ornithology department was busy when the information came in about the Avocets drinking. We had them out near our final perimeter fence installing those new ultra-powerful hydrofracting transformers to run the 880 amp tri-ithulim fencing we installed to keep trespassers out of the sensitive areas we have over there. That’s why we had to send a cobbled together team made up of one of our cooks, the guy that passes out the shovels and hoes to the interns as they go to work in the morning, our senior cartologist as he’s the only one of the bunch that can string two sentences together and our staff photographer.

Our staff photographer is the one that made it possible to understand how the Avocet’s manage to drink. Unbeknownst to us he had developed, completely on his own, an App-like device that can be retrofitted on digital cameras called the SloMoStill. This is a revolutionary device that can be coupled to a camera with large fat rubber bands and duck tape and with the additional software provided cause light to slowdown as it passes through the camera’s lens, thereby stopping the action in the shot so it can be recorded on the sensor. You can see that at work as you look at the water droplets suspended in air in the image above. See they’re not falling back into the water as gravity demands. Genius. Because of the new ability this invention provides us we can now see in perfect clarity how Avocets drink.

Look at that long recurved bill. That is not a straw. The end of its beak is way out in front of where its mouth is, so the Avocet when it wants to drink has to stuff its whole head and mouth underwater to accomplish this, thereby risking drowning or being pounced on by a predator that does not have its head stuck underwater, or so we thought. But because the new SloMoStill camera App was at work our crack photographer has proven this is wrong. Instead we can see that the Avocet does not stick its whole head in the water and risk getting it in its nairs (bird nostrils) making it cough and/or choke in an embarrassing manner. What it does instead is smack the water’s surface smartly with that long thin beak and as the drops of water rebound into the air, grabs them one at a time to let them roll back into the Avocets mouth. If you look closely you can see a drop of water in the Avocets bill in preparation of being swallowed. Pretty darn clever, eh.

There you have it, another mystery solved by the scientific folks at The Institute. A few short minutes ago you didn’t have a clue as to how an Avocet drank. Now you know it all. Go ahead share it at the water cooler, astound your friends with bird lore that they never thought you knew anything about. Be the envy of the Animal channel watchers as they will never see anything like this there. And it’s all free for the reading. Pass that on to your friends too. Check out *The Institute at BigShotsNow.com and be smarter than everyone else. It’s an American thing to do.

*Note: For those of you unfamiliar with The Institute and what it does, please see the page labeled “The Institute” on the Menu Bar above. That should explain everything. You shouldn’t have one single question remaining after reading it. None. For those of you favored few who already know about the Institute, Nevermind.

Icarus Rising

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Sandhill cranes are known for being steady, unadventurous birds that tend to go about their lives with a minimum of disruption. They make their migration to and fro and get it done with workman-like precision. They seem to be humorless creatures rather like one of those farming societies that believe work is the joy of life. They dress in gray because that is the least colorful color they can find and they cover their heads with a small cap of red, which signifies the heat of eternal damnation unless they fill their waking hours with productive endeavors. They form small groups of closely knit family members instead of the giant flocks of thousands as the gypsy-like Snow geese do. They are steady, capable, unimaginative birds. They are a plain bird.

But, and you knew there was a but, there is always one that thinks differently, wants more, needs excitement in his life, needs to capture that thing that is missing in his existence. He isn’t aware of what that thing might be he just feels it all the time, gnawing at his complacency, urging, no demanding, that he go and find that which is missing in his life. He ignores the pleas and gentle warnings that he is putting his standing with the family at risk. Even stern remonstrations do not sway him. He must live the way he feels,which in this case is away from the confining, stifling structure of his peers.

He is known by those who observe these things as a bird that does not keep regular hours. He is Icarus and must fly to the sun. He will try and try until he has no strength left, then he will try once more. I kind of like the guy.