Bull Elk Rocky Mountain National Park    click to enlarge

Rumors had been drifting down the mountainsides here in Colorado that there was something amiss in the elk community up at Rocky Mountain National Park. Many of the bull elk could be seen gathered together talking amongst themselves, glancing with a certain amount of defiance and suspicion at the people passing by in their cars. There was disquieting talk that something was different this spring and it felt as if there was unwelcome and threatening change in the air.

Finally the suspense broke and a declaration was made. The bulls put out a pronouncement. After lots of arguing, debating and head butting it was decided that this spring the bulls were not going to drop their antlers as they have done for countless springs before. Above is a three-day old image of one of the central participants in this new movement defiantly and nonchalantly still sprouting his year old antlers, defying age-old traditions as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Now some of you may not realize what an extraordinary, astonishing thing this is. This is equivalent to Congress suddenly announcing that they were not going to work together, or take a pay cut, or get things done that were actually beneficial to the people they’re supposed to be serving, or stop being stupid, or lower taxes, or care for the sick, well you know, an impossible expectation.

Well as you have come to realize, this is the kind of event that The Institute exists for. We immediately began centralizing our resources, pulling our stringers in from the far-flung corners of the globe, scrambling our mobilization team. We began deciding who was going to do what, cleaned and tuned up our gear, made certain our lines of communication were open and sprang into action. Our crack researchers began researching when was the last time elk had refused to drop their antlers, if ever. Our tame photographer was sent to take pictures of any elk that still had their antlers on and there were many, our archivists began searching through old copies of Outdoor Life, Sports Afield, Cosmopolitan, Boy’s Life the official magazine of the Boy Scouts of America, for any mention or reference to previous occurrences of this phenomenon.

It is an awesome sight to see an organization like The Institute bringing its full weight to bear on a situation like this. We immediately began hearing from the other major news gathering organizations, When did we first learn about this? Were the elk serious? Had there been any commercial repercussions from this remarkable situation? Would this affect the local economy? Is this a bunch of bull? Did this mean there was a new policy regarding the elks right to retain their own antlers or was this simply a splinter group seeking media attention? Had there been any official comment by the Fish and Game department as to what steps might be taken if the elk continued to refuse to shed their antlers? Was there going to be a show of force? Was it true there had been a run on hacksaw blades at the local Ace hardware store? Who were these new elk and who was their leader? Are there any connections to elk in other parts of the world, namely the middle east? Will you share your information with the world?

There it was. The question that made all of our efforts and pain and commitment worthwhile. Will you share your information with the world?  Of course we will world. It is our Prime Directive. It is why we constantly lobby our representatives in our lackluster congress for more funding so that we can continue to exist and bring important stories like this to you, our fellow citizens. When this question was related to our staff, there was a moment of solemn silence as the importance of that question began to sink in until suddenly a rousing cheer went up, coffee cups and copy machines, desks and our expensive new $28,000 dollar printer were thrown into the air in celebration and this outpouring of emotion lasted until we brought in the dogs to regain order. Then everyone quickly rejoined the frenzy of activity and work that is the heart and soul of our organization, The Institute. In the past we have had to take difficult measures with our staff to keep them focused on the task at hand. Not this time, we didn’t have to cancel the Sponge Cake Bonanza in the cafeteria that everyone looks forward to, we didn’t have to spike their coffee with Mad Dog 20-20 to keep them energized. This was a genuine heartfelt response and desire to get this information and get it to you, our loyal readers. This unbridled spirit of cooperation brought a tear to the eye of many a harden staffer I can tell you.

Well it is day 4 and counting since this dramatic situation developed. We are still hard at it. As you might expect we have our experts up in the park to constantly monitor the situation and if there is any breaking news we will be there to observe, record, and distribute the newest developments. Stay tuned world, important things are happening.