Monthly Archives: July 2013

The Answer is Art Galleries

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There has been a lot of speculation about the ancient ones and their buildings. What were they used for and why so elaborate. After many hours of close inspection and sifting through countless clues we have determined that their buildings were actually art galleries. And what’s more we have conclusively determined that their medium of choice consisted mainly of stones, rocks actually.

We wondered at the fact that everything they built was constructed of rocks, really pretty ones, apparently picked out for their color and texture and then stacked one on top of each other until an entire pile of rocks was formed. The art itself was seeing how many shapes and styles of buildings or constructs if you will, they could make using this technique. Once they completed a pile that satisfied them they would move on and start another pile. Entire village-like displays were created using this method. We have mistakenly identified them as cities but now we know better. There is an old, old word that these people used to describe their constructs, Be-Bih-Zihde, which loosely translated might mean Art Gallery, or possibly deer liver, we’re not sure because there aren’t that many of those old people left to ask.

As you can see by the layout of these Art Galleries, the people who lived there would enter and slowly make their way through the various galleries, oohing and ahhhing as they went, traveling from room to room or gallery to gallery as it were, until they got sick of it and went outside for a smoke. What they smoked was something called peyote or as it was known to the non-existent white man at the time as white mule, devil’s root or Indian dope. Ingesting even small amounts of this Chihuahuan weed made them silly, but hungry for more art, and back into the gallery they would go. That’s why there is such a profusion of these ‘dwellings’ scattered all over the place. It may also indicate why we can’t locate any of these Anasazi’s today. Apparently prolonged use will make you forget your own belly-button and they just wandered away and were never heard from again. We will take that theory up for further review at a later date. We have been told in interviews with that fringe element that lurks near the edges of our society and who regular use this dangerous but illegal drug, that viewing these rocks that make up their art galleries while under the influence of this psychoactive narcotic was groovy. We are still investigating ‘groovy’ and it’s implications to this study.

We do know this however, and we cannot stress it enough that you should never ever take any of this ‘peyote’ if you want to live a normal life. It is a dangerous, misunderstood drug that will get your lame ass thrown in any number of Mexican jails and is expensive to boot. One of our informants stated that he personally had tried this drug and threw up all over his new corduroys. That alone should be a warning to you. Just say no.

Solving one of these great archaeological mysteries has been very rewarding for us and we welcome the opportunity to do more work in this area. Before taking on another project however we still have to find two of our researchers, both of whom did not listen or equally important understand our warnings to avoid this peyote drug at all cost. One we know is in a Mexican jail near Ensenada and the other dipstick was last seen heading off into the desert looking for his shoe.

No mystery is too big or too small for us to take on. We welcome all challenges and face the unknown fearlessly ( if you don’t count going to a Mexican jail or losing a shoe, fears) and look forward to our next adventure. See you there.

MoonBirds

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There has been a lot of talk lately about these new kind of moons, these Super Moons, that have appeared over our countryside. It’s unclear exactly where these new moons came from. Personally and it is the prevailing thought here at the Institute that we, as a country, were out of the moon making business. We had a perfectly serviceable one that had been performing adequately for years and now suddenly we have a bunch of new moons hanging around and we’re supposed to just accept them without question. Well I have a question. How much did all these new moons cost? Wasn’t this something we should have voted on? Who asked for a new moon anyway? Does this new moon have anything to do with the erosion of our personal liberties, not to mention our privacy.

One of the largest concerns we have and you should have too, is that this new Super Moon that has begun slinking through the night sky, and sometimes the day one too, acting as if it has a perfect right to be here, is already here, apparently we cannot take it back. So, if it is larger does that mean it is closer, and if it is closer does that mean that anyone on it can see us better? Are they using this new moon to monitor our night-time activities? Who exactly is in charge here? If they can just run a brand new moon past us without any warning What’s next ?!?

Where is the public outcry, the demonstrations, the indignation of the people? I haven’t seen one sign holder down on the corner of College and Mulberry shaking their signs in nearly hysterical frustration saying “Honk if you hate the new moon.”  “Super Moon Sucks!”  and “Old Moon First-ers”. People you can not get this complacent. ‘They’, and you know which ones I’m talking about, will not be content with just fleecing us for a new moon, oh no, there’s plenty more in their liberal bag of tricks. They think because everyone is more energy conscious these days that we’re going to roll over and buy this feeble excuse that ” The new moon is greener, the new lighting involved in illuminating this new Super Moon saves Americans huge amounts of money by being more efficient. 50% savings every full moon.”, etc. Well I’m calling BullPucky on that crap, so to speak.

Where are all the EPA studies? This new Super Moon for those of you who don’t read or understand fully what you see on TV, is a larger, like really huge, moon that is much brighter and more arrogant than our old perfectly good moon is, or was I should say. And because of these new aspects of this moon there are some huge environmental problems involved here, and we here at the Institute have been documenting some of them for an exclusive expose we are planning in the near future. We’re telling it like it is, black helicopters be damned, because you the reader deserve to know.

In the image above you can see one of the tragic repercussions of this wanton disregard for Nature. Who are we to think that we can just alter conditions that have been in existence for millenniums, or at least for a long time. The Sandhill cranes pictured above are having to fly a minimum, by our calculation, of 30% further to fly past this new Super Moon than they have had to do for countless years before with our old perfectly good moon. Yes this “New” moon, this Super Moon is so large that these poor exhausted birds must flap their huge wings over and over again to simply get past this new moon. No wonder the Sandhill Crane population is dwindling. They no longer have the energy required for mating, or as it is known in the birding world as “bumping their uglies” and other nighttime activities that they exercised so freely and ribaldry before. Everyone responsible for this whole mess should be made to stand out here in the cold bitter night and hear the pitiful cries of these magnificent birds as they grope their way past this new phenomenon into a lower wattage future. Our arrogance will bear bitter fruit I fear.

Take a stand. NO more new celestial bodies without a full feasibility study and public input. No more changing the environment by unfeeling, inexperienced, progress at any cost, bureaucrats. No more. Like my Dad used to say “Just leave it the hell alone.” a philosophy that has stood the test of time. The next time they float one of these new Super Moons past you, just say no. Don’t look. If enough people don’t look they’ll get tired of it and take it down and then where will they be, out on their fat, pork fed hineys’, that’s where. Stay tuned for further updates, we’ll have more on this dangerous trend in moon shifting in a month or so. Remember, Be Vigilant and if you’re passing by those Sandhill Cranes’ breeding ground some Supermoonlit night, give them some privacy, don’t look.

Cool Solutions

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There have been reports trickling into the Institute regarding heat and excessive amounts of it appearing over much of the continental US and affecting our naturally born citizens by causing them to feel hot. To many this is an uncomfortable feeling. The general question on everyone’s mind is ‘Why isn’t somebody doing something about this? The second question is ‘How come nobody’s doing anything about this?’ The third question is ‘Damn it I pay taxes, Why am I hot? Well, where IS the relief? Who IS doing anything about it? These are questions just begging for answers. Where are our elected officials now I ask you when there’s hot topics afoot. They’re in their air-conditioned lounges deep in the bowels of the earth under the house of Representatives building at a cool 64 degrees watching skiing movies and drinking mimosa’s with those little umbrellas in them, that’s where.

Feeling let down by those in charge? Looking for answers in all the wrong places? Well unlike some governments we could name we’re here to help. That’s right the folks at the Institute have stepped up and assumed responsibility for bringing you, our readers, some much-needed help and advice to solve this problem and bring you that needed relief. Many of you were unaware that the Institute for Regained Knowledge, or IRK, has a department full of heavy thinkers. They’re not only large, they think a lot. They’re known locally only as “The Thinkers” and work in our ‘Think Tank’, not to be confused with our ‘Drunk Tank’ located just down the hall, preferring to shy away from the lime light and remain anonymous. They do this because in case any of this BullPucky they spout backfires on them and gets them in jail, I mean, they get their accolades from doing their best to come up with original ideas and provide service to the community.

They have identified the problem by breaking it down, analyzing it and providing a working solution that anyone could implement in the safety of their own homes using the barest minimum of expensive equipment which luckily is available here at IRK for a modestly inflated price payable only by cashiers check or cash, we don’t take checks or credit cards and sent to you without a return address.

Here it is then. The Problem: Heat is hot. This makes you sweat and others to stand up wind from you. It can also cause you to collapse in a heap making you an obstacle and an impediment to traffic. Analysis of Problem: Reduce heat’s effect on the individual. Possible solutions: Lock them in large cold storage containers. Impractical, hard to trick more than a few of them when they see what’s going on. They scatter and become hard to catch. Everyone gets issued those suits that deep-sea divers wear that circulate water through the suit to heat or cool the individual. Impractical. Hoses needed to run suits restrict ones ability to commute. Productivity would suffer, markets would crash, hoses produce tripping hazard. Also could not tell friend from foe as everyone looks alike.

Then one of our most genius of big thinkers came up with a scientifically based solution that is so simple you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it your self, you big dummy. Heat is a function of height. The lower you are the hotter it is. If you’re really short you’re going to be a lot hotter than say, Wilt the Stilt will be. He’s like nine feet tall. If you look at a map you will see that every place that is red is hot and every place that is blue is cold. Mountains which have a lot more height than plains are blue so they’re colder. An example of a mountain top is shown above in case you are unfamiliar with them. These happen to be in Rocky Mountain National Park but they can be found in other places also. So reasoning would tell you that you should go to the mountain tops and you’d be cooler. Except if you’ve ever looked at a mountain top close-up you’ll notice there’s not a lot of room up there. ( See Image above ) You’re only going to be able to fit like four to six people on each mountain top. That’s not enough. But here’s where the beauty part comes in. Science. Science says you don’t have to go to a mountain top to get cool. You just have to go up. That’s the simple part. Just go up. How, do you say? Airplanes are expensive, balloons are unreliable but there is one sure-fire way to do it. Trampolines. Big fat enormous trampolines. Get your municipalities together and construct dozens of huge trampolines in the outlying areas of your community and gather closely those you can trust to keep the rhythm going and start to jump. Everyone hangs on to everyone else so you can all jump in unison and if the group is large enough you will gain heights you never imagined. Even modest gains in height will produce a cooling effect. Our experts here at the Institute figure that you can obtain enormous cooling benefits with as little as seven to eight hundred feet gain in elevation. More and you’ll need a jacket. The cost analysis breakdown proves conclusively that you can construct a suitable trampoline for much less that it would take to fly everyone to the mountains, rent guides, buy freeze-dried food etc. Think of it. Relief in moments from the wretched heat and even figuring in the travel time up and down on the trampoline you’ll still be reaching that rarefied, cool, clear air in less time than you can make it through security and you won’t have to deal with those fascist, I mean special individuals from the TSA. The ones that have vowed to make your travel experience a truly unique and special time.

There it is then, a simple, clean, non-polluting solution to a grave problem that will have you finding relief as fast as you can say “Wait, let go of me, I don’t think this is a good idea…” and it didn’t cost you a dime. This entire process that has been carried out by the Do-Gooding folks here at the institute is just one more service we provide to our fellow-man. You can thank us when you’re cooler.

Some Days

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Every once in a while you get up in the morning and the sun is shining, the weather’s great and you just feel like crap. For some reason you’re mad at the world. Someone whistles good morning to you and you want to go over there and yank out every tail feather they have one by one, asking them ‘Are you having a good morning?’.

As a young bird, mom would say to me “If you’re going to be like that go over in the corner and eat worms.” which I’d do, but then I’d think ‘This is dumb, I like to eat worms.’ and somehow the day would magically get better.

Now that I think about it, ‘What the hell am I mad about? I’m going to go find some worms.’ Oh, and nice to see you, Good Morning!’

Rosie – Queen of Mt. Evans

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I’ve always thought that Mountain Goats were one of the more stylish animals in the animal world, along with Penguins and Polar bears. They always look like they’re ready for any event at a moments notice. Their long white coats in winter are a constant fashion statement and look perfect whether they’re facing into a fierce northern gale or simply standing on a ledge watching the Northern lights. Their quiet elegance plays well to their haughty, unobtainable appearance and is unmatched by most other fashion conscious species.

Rosie, shown here with young prince Nozzle, has chosen to add her namesake, a decorative white rose as an accent.  This season with simply everyone wearing white, it’s a clever choice to add a bit of understated formality to her casual summertime ensemble. This carefree, devil-may-care attitude shows why she has been crowned Queen of Mt. Evans for the last seven years in a row and is the envy and often imitated ideal of the other young goat-ettes aspiring to fashion greatness.

We would like to thank Queen Rosie for allowing us into her realm for this exclusive fashion shoot and all we can say is “Long May She Reign”.

Sun Spots

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The area around the compound, I mean the campus here at IRK, is covered by a legally binding commitment between the Institute and its neighbors. This is a good thing and a bad thing depending on the problem at hand. For instance, if we’re trying to track down some of our indentured servants, I mean staff members, who have managed to get free of their shock collars, I mean left without signing out, and we need to run them down with the dogs, I mean  locate them, that runs a foul of the agreement. And that then, is a bad thing for us as it hampers our tracking ability, I mean it makes our locating them more difficult.

But on the other hand there is a small clause way down near the bottom of the agreement hidden in the legalese that states every day, every single day without fail the sun must shine somewhere on the property for an undetermined period of time. No matter if it’s snowing, or raining  or whatever the excuse is, the sun must shine. This is a good thing. This clause was put in early on by some forward thinking members of the organization who knew that if you didn’t see the sun at least  once a day you would very likely go nuts and wind up killing all or most of your neighbors. So far this little legal device has worked and there have been no fatalities to date. Knock on wood.

That is what you see happening here. It is very nearly sunset and the sun had not shone yet that day. It was a race against time to get it done before the clock ran out. No one knows what would happen if the clause wasn’t met, what the penalty would be or what the repercussions would be although we know they would be terrible indeed, because so far it has never happened. I got to tell you though there were some nail biters on this one. All of the spotters that were out driving the roads looking for some sign that the sun had shown heaved a collective sigh of relief and headed home for dinner secure with the knowledge that another day had passed and all  was well in the neighborhood.

Little Cat Feet

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When Mr. Sandburg was writing about fog coming in on little cat feet he had obviously never been to where I live. When we get fog, which is not all that often, there’s no little cat feet involved. It comes in like a freight train and slams into your house like a kid home from college. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, what your politics are or whether you like Jesus, you’re going to get treated like all the rest which is total involvement on your part. There’s no sitting this one out around here.

One thing about the mountains, we don’t get little weather. We get big weather. Some might argue the fact that sometimes it tries to rain a little but doesn’t quite get the job done, or clouds might build up and pretend to look threatening, but that’s not weather, that’s just meteorological foreplay. When the real deal hits, you know it. If you want a real rush come stand on the deck here while a thunder and lightning storm rolls through the valley at tree top-level, or when our wind will kick up and hit 80-90 mph on the wind gauge, that’s when the weather comes right into your soul and you become part of it. It’s a test of will power to see how long you can immerse yourself in it before you have to give up and run into the safety of the house like a frightened school child. There’s no shame in that folks, this can be some scary, scary stuff, but man, what a rush.

Mountain living can be the best of times or the worst, but it is rarely boring. That old adage about ‘If you don’t like the weather wait 5 minutes and it will change’ is not true. Actually the span is about 3 1/2 to 28 minutes, maybe a little more if its going to be the storm of the century, those seem to come around every two or three years. People tend to live in the mountains because everything that happens here seems to fit the scale of the mountains. Big, larger than life and it is never the same, but then why would you want it to be.